Warning Signs: Ignore at Your Peril

We're experienced hikers. We research trails before setting out, pack sufficient food and water, and try to set out early in the day. We usually listen to the weather report as well. We're very knowledgeable, right?

Knowledge doesn't help unless it leads to action.

That's what I learned on our last hike.

We set out a little later than usual because we had not prepared our packs the night before. No worry. We were going to a trail that was close by. The sun was shining and, although somewhat humid and thunderstorms were predicted later in the day, we had full confidence in our ability to beat the odds and return home well before the storm.

We reached the summit in good time and relaxed at the top, enjoying the 360 degree view. It was fairly hazy in the distance and we promised ourselves to return on a clear autumn day. Then we started the downhill trek.

We walked along, feeling good about our achievement, unworried that we had somehow taken a different trail than the one by which we had ascended. This one was more difficult and involved scrambling down the rocks instead of circumventing them. It was rough going and I was getting anxious: I heard thunder in the distance.

"Let's get down any which way," I exclaimed. "Hurry, before the storm hits!"

We managed to reach the bottom and found the correct trail once again. By this time the clouds had overtaken the sun, the sound of thunder was growing and the wind had picked up. We picked up our pace, trying to keep ourselves from slipping on the loose rock.

It didn't help. We got soaked. Despite the weather report, we had left our slickers behind. We also did not have any emergency first aid, which worried me more.

Suddenly, the lightning flashed so close by and thunder clapped so loudly that I screamed. I put my hands to my ears and trudged forward, not daring to think of the danger of trees falling in the storm. All I could do was focus on the trail and pray that we'd reach the end without any mishap.

We did so, fully drenched and feeling ashamed that we had ignored all the resources at our disposal: the weather report, guidelines for hikers and our own common sense.

Why does one ignore the warning signs, deny the evidence and assume that all will be well? Why do keep going and pretend that we will somehow escape the consequences of our own irrational behaviors?

Denial is a powerful mechanism. It protects us from the shock of tragedy. But when it's used to avoid reality it can be deadly.

Don't get caught in the storm. Examine your life and determine if you're on the right path. It's so easy to get lost.

What is your legacy?

There's a poster of my door that gives one pause. It states

A hundred years from now, it will not matter what your bank account balance was, the sort of house you lived in, or the kind of car you drove, but the world may be different because you were important in the life of a child.

What do you want to be remembered for?

Some people ask themselves this question too late. Bernie Madoff, who swindled millions of dollars from his victims, belatedly realizes that ""I have left a legacy of shame -- as some of my victims have pointed out -- to my children and grandchildren."

Most of us are not criminal in thought or deed, but are we actively using our talents to accomplish something meaningful with our lives? Or are we living on the outskirts of infinity, accumulating temporary pleasures and goods that will not endure beyond the grave?

Enjoyment of this world has its place. But it is not permanent.

Taking Time Out

I've taken time off these past two weeks to take care of grandchildren. And I plan a mini-vacation next week. This time out from my work leads me to ask, "Why do Americans work so hard, both at work and play?"

Our work ethic seems immune to economic factors. Even when the economy is good we work long hours, reasoning that we need to do so to advance in our careers and/or make more money. Lawyers are a good example. As associates in law firms they work 70+ hours per week, striving to become partners. However, once they become partners, they may work even longer hours to meet client deadlines!

Lawyers are not the only ones who work such long hours. Especially during these difficult economic times people are nervous about keeping their jobs and will work as long as necessary to satisfy their bosses.

The result is an unending cycle of work and worry.

It is only when we take time out that we realize what's truly important to us.

Time out from work, mentally as well as physically, enables us to renew our ties with our families and friends. In the process we restore a healthy balance to our lives. The result is a feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Then we can return to work with the ability to give it our best. That's true success.

Unseen Whales

The children were part of a group visiting Antarctica. A writer and marine biologist were on board the boat with them. Suddenly, someone cried out, "Look! There must be a 30 whales out there!" The biologist, writer and others ran to see the phenomenon, one that none had ever witnessed before.

Except for the boys with the gameboys. They were too engrossed to stop and look out the window.

How sad that many children are so hooked into the artificial world that they've forgotten the thrill of natural wonder. Unlike previous generations, they're not roaming the neighborhood in search of adventure or using their imagination to soar to unseen places and live fantasy lives. Peter Pan has become an anachronism for much of today's youth.

Some children, who for various reasons are psychologically vulnerable, become totally dependent on external rather than internal sources of fulfillment. They no longer gain satisfaction from academic achievement or social success. Eventually they may become so maladjusted that they need an Outward Bound adventure to bring them back to health. Deprived of everything but their most basic needs, they learn to fend for themselves and thereby appreciate their own strengths and resources.

Parents who rush to give their children "every opportunity" and the newest technological antidote to boredom may in fact be depriving their children of their greatest resource; namely, their brains.

For no matter how interactive the game nor how exciting the computer program, there is no substitute for real-time interaction with the ups and downs of reality.

Falling Asleep

Soon after the first speaker at graduation began his speech, the father of the valedictorian closed his eyes and fell soundly asleep. It was not surprising; he was reportedly able to doze off in any venue. Once he even tried a device to wear around his neck so that if he fell asleep at the wheel an alarm would sound and he'd avoid driving the car off the road or into another vehicle.

He suffered from undiagnosed sleep apnea.

Tuesday's Wall Street Journal described some of the causes of sleep deprivation and strategies to remedy them.

The first step of course is to recognize the symptoms: Poor concentration, daytime fatigue and drowsiness, irritability and unexplained appetite.

For example, like children who complain of hunger at bedtime, many adults feel hungry at 11 pm when instead they are tired and in need of sleep. The next morning they resort to caffeine to prop themselves up during the day. This habit exacerbates their twin problems of falling asleep and staying asleep throughout the night.

The further we get from our natural body rhythms the more likely we are to adopt unhealthy life styles.

It's noteworthy that as infants we cried as a means of expressing our discomfort. We expected our mothers to understand what we needed - food, clean clothes, comforting or simply being put to bed. A happy baby was one whose mother met those needs and did not confuse them.

Similarly, we are most content when we are able to differentiate among our various emotional and physical needs and not try to satisfy one at the cost of another. Then and only then will we be able to live life to its fullest.

Teens See Parental Hypocrisy

Sherry Turkle, a psychologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, studied texting among teenagers in the Boston area. As described in the NY Times, "Teens feel they are being punished for behavior in which their parents indulge,” she said.

Parents berate their teenagers for texting at all hours of the day and night. Yet how often do we multitask in front of them? We forget that children learn what they live when we talk on the cellphone while driving our children to their various activities.

Furthermore, as Dr. Turkle points out, teens - like all our children - want our undivided attention. Teenagers text an average of 3,500 messages a week, but "when they walk out of their ballet lesson, they’re upset to see their dad in the car on the BlackBerry. The fantasy of every adolescent is that the parent is there, waiting, expectant, completely there for them.”

So be careful not to ask your children to fight an addiction of which you are a victim, too. If you want to develop a relationship with them, do the unthinkable and at crucial times of the day shut off your cellphone, computer and blackberry. Use Caller ID to screen your telephone calls and let your answering machine pick up any but the most essential.

But “my teen doesn’t talk to me!” you exclaim. True, your child may not say anything in the moment and you are not required to maintain a boring silence. There’s a difference, however, between being engrossed in a conversation with another person and listening to a CD or radio station that can be easily shut off.

Your teen, unlike your toddler, may have the self-control to refrain from interrupting you. But that doesn’t mean your older child feels any less frustrated than your younger one at being ignored.

Remember: Your teen is your baby. Don’t waste the few years left that your child is still living at home. Be available. Let your child know that - within reasonable limits - you’re happy to be on call.

Stuck in Traffic

Have you ever felt totally frustrated, blocked and upset? On Sunday afternoon I was stuck in traffic on my way into NY City. Major bridges, tunnels and highways were all laden with cars and I was in the middle. I had no way out. My only recourse was patience. It was not an easy task because I was not alone. I had my young grandchildren and my elderly mother with me and I felt highly responsible for their well-being.

That's how life seems at times. We get caught in situations that are beyond our control. We feel totally helpless and uncertain as to what - if any - steps we can take. It's easy to panic, to feel like fighting or fleeing when neither is possible.

I've experienced several such situations in my life. A traffic jam is a minor annoyance in comparison. And each time, after my initial shock and panic, I've asked myself, "How do I want to be in this situation?"

It's not an easy question to answer.

In essence, we do not determine much of what happens to us. Life at times seems to be ruled by the same chaos theory that underlies traffic jams.

So how should we react to chaos? Will we be caught up in it or, like the eye of the storm, find peace and quiet within?

While we are not in charge of life, we are in charge of ourselves. We can decide how to react in any situation, even the most horrific ones, G-d forbid. As Victor Frankl notes in Man's Search for Meaning, "Everything can be taken from a man but ...the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

There were a few moments on Sunday when I lost emotional control. I was driving down yet another ramp to another highway and found it jammed. I banged my hands on the steering wheel and practically cried aloud. My young granddaughter started crying. Until that point in time she was dealing quite well with the long extended journey.

Seeing what happens when I fall apart, I quickly recouped and started singing. We stopped at the next gas station, visited the rest rooms and bought the children a snack.

After many hours we reached our destination. Eventually we all do. It's how we get there that counts.