Gift-Giving

This is the season of gifts - giving and receiving gifts that are fraught with expectations and disappointments.

So why do we go through this agony every year?

One reason may be to maintain good relations. The Bible quotes Jacob (Genesis 33:10) as saying to his brother, Esau, "I pray thee, if I have found favor in thine eyes, then take my present from my hand." Jacob wanted to avoid a war between brothers. He used his gift to change Esau's attitude from one of hostility towards one of brotherly love. His present was meant to repair prior damage to their relationship.

Giving gifts, however, may do more damage than harm. The Bible recounts the consequences of Jacob favoring his youngest son, Joseph, with a "coat of many colors." By rewarding one child and not others, Jacob exacerbated the rivalry between Joseph and his brothers when he openly favored him. Joseph became isolated and endangered, causing much misery to himself and his father before their eventual reunion.

A contemporary description of the perils of giving gifts is reported in today's Wall St. Journal, in The Gift That Needs Forgiving.
In this article, spouses - most of them wives - describe their disappointing experiences of receiving gifts that they deem inappropriate; that is, practical, mundane or just wrong (e.g., an extra-large robe for a small woman). The women remember these disappointments long past the time that their husbands would choose to forget them, if their wives would allow that to happen.

My question: Is a disappointing gift better than no gift at all?

Power of the Mind

I faint at the sight of blood. At least I used to. I'm not sure anymore.

Blood phobia, like other phobias, is an extreme and irrational fear. In my case, I've been known to faint at the sight of blood (my own or someone else's).

I would fear blood tests, especially because many technicians had difficulty finding my veins and extracting the requisite amount of blood.

Last week I went for a long-postponed routine blood test. A tired-looking, middle-aged woman of foreign birth mumbled the room number I should enter. As I entered the room, I noticed the empty vials sitting on the counter with a metal chair beside it. The chair faced forward, so that when one was sitting in it one's arm would be contiguous to the counter. There was a padded bar that could be lowered in front. "Good," I thought. "At least I won't fall forward."

When the technician entered, I advised her that I faint at the sight of blood. She didn't seem phased by the announcement and wasn't concerned about my sitting upright in a chair. "Does she understand what I'm saying?" I wondered.

As I sat down, I prepared myself for the worst. The last time someone had taken blood at this facility I had indeed fainted and the technician was upset that I hadn't warned her. What would happen this time?

The woman on my left seemed business-like and without empathy. As she silently applied an elastic rubber tourniquet to my left arm, I looked at the book I had brought along, looked the other way, out the window... anywhere but at what she was doing. She touched the needle to my arm and I tried desperately to think about other things. Then she began asking me about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. "Do you celebrate the holiday?" she asked. "What are your plans?" Being naturally curious and wanting to be polite, I asked her in return if she celebrates Thanksgiving. She answered me briefly and then asked me some more questions.

When she was finished, I thanked the woman for talking to me during the procedure, which had passed without incident. She replied, "That's why I did it."

Language is no barrier between minds. This technician understood what I needed and "tricked" me into tolerating what I was unable to handle until this time. My first impression of her as lacking skill was based on factors that had nothing to do with her medical expertise; namely, her imperfect command of English, my previous negative experiences and my fear. My further condemnation of her as lacking empathy was based on her not responding to me in a fashion that I expected and deemed necessary. Her subsequent actions proved me wrong.

By distracting me, this kind and capable woman "tricked" me into concentrating on something other than the object of my phobia. As I answered her questions, the logical, verbal part of my mind became active, and the emotional, fearful side was silent. Although I knew what this woman was doing, the minimum effort required to answer her questions was sufficient to move me from a place of weakness to one of strength.

The past need not predict the future. With the proper guidance, one can change.

Thanksgiving Tips

As families sit around the table, enjoying the delicious food, they have the opportunity to feel grateful for being surrounded by their loved ones.

Sounds ideal. More often than not, however, you will recall past hurts or feelings of neglect. Your emotional pain could then easily outweigh your enjoyment of being together again.

Therefore, here are some guidelines to help you make the holiday celebration a truly joyous one.

Strategies for Celebrations

Strategy #1 for all family celebrations is to “leave the past in the past.” Family get-togethers are the worst times to “clear the air.” Everybody’s already on edge; whether from the excitement of the day, the tension from hosting it or the effort to get there on time. Bringing up a remark or a telephone conversation from your last encounter is like adding fuel to the fire. So swallow your pride along with the food and keep mum.

Strategy #2 follows from #1. Do not carry a “hidden agenda.” Remember that family events are public gatherings. Discussions of a personal nature should take place only in private.

Strategy #3: Examine yourself in the mirror. Are you slipping into old patterns of behavior? Endeavor to respond in new ways to old triggers. This time, when your brother teases you, laugh along with him. Try to show your relatives the side of yourself that your business associates would recognize; your calm, professional manner works well in private, too.

Strategy #4: Similarly, examine your relatives in light of who they are, not who you’d wish them to be. They may be fatter, balder, greyer or less accomplished than 20-30 years ago. But so are you. Accepting others can help us accept ourselves.

Strategy #5: Look for the positive and communicate the positive. Although it may be difficult at first, concentrate on whatever’s going right and ignore or play down the problems. For example, make an effort to give compliments to as many people as you can, especially the host and hostess.

Strategy #6: If you have young children, strive to keep them busy and well-fed. That achievement alone would be immensely helpful to your extended family. Above all, don’t get involved in someone else’s crisis. Remember, your nieces and nephews are not your children and you do not need to discipline them. If the stress becomes overwhelming, take a break from the tumult and find refuge in another room.

Strategy #7: Prepare for this get-together as you would for a business meeting. Know the personalities that you’ll encounter, bring something interesting to the table discussion, and put your best foot forward. Hopefully, you’ll walk away with a stomach full of food and not bile.

Boy Soldier

He marched down the corridor, head held high, with his own version of a soldier's helmet. A tub used for carrying around blocks was reincarnated as a red helmet with a plastic chin strap. How proud he looked as he marched in tempo to his own drum! This boy was out to win the war.

How do we feel when we see a child play soldier? We recoil as we think of the untold numbers of young boys killed on the battlefield.

As a result of our adult fears and experiences, we may try to steer our children into forms of play which we deem acceptable. "That tub is used for blocks, put it back;" or "I don't want to see you playing soldier again!" We project our feelings onto our children and, as a result, may limit the type or quantity of play in which they engage.

That is a mistake.

Play is crucial to children's development. As research at the University of Gloucestershire demonstrates, play "helps children to develop their range of responses to situations, experiences and relationships. By playing... children develop resilience and the ability to adapt."

When we limit our children's imaginary play we prevent them from exploring their full range of emotions. Indeed, the children's classic picture book and recent motion picture, Where the Wild Things Are, depicts some of the monsters that figuratively fill our children's brains. Should we censor these media because we - not our children - are afraid of them?

Similarly, when we limit the time given for spontaneous play because our children's days are filled with structured activities and technological bangs and whistles, we impinge on their ability to cope with common life stresses. Play gives them the opportunity of "being in and out of control." They become masters of their own universe in which they test out various strategies to conquer their enemies.

We as a society may have forgotten how to play. We have become so obsessed with external achievement, success, and recognition that we abandon the gems that can be found within. Children haven't yet lost that treasure. Don't bury it for them.

The Way She Walks

Her shoulders catch my eye. Thrust back with the confidence of the young, they bridge a petite body which looks firm and healthy. Her white blouse reflects the bright sun while her chin-length brown hair swings rhythmically from side to side, mimicking the cadence of her walk. Her head is tilted back and she looks around as if eager to observe everything.

Oh, the assurance of youth! The lass struts along with the ease of nature, traversing cracks and uneven patches of sidewalk that would trip a more unbalanced soul.

I follow the youngster down the street where she lives, basking in the shadow of her enthusiasm. I know that once she leaves I will slow down to my usual pace and get lost in the myriad thoughts of my mind.

"How long will she maintain that stance?" I wonder. I recall the teenage girl I saw walking in the park the other day. Her dark hair covered her face as she bent forward, looking down at the path beneath her feet. Shoulders hunched, her half-filled backpack seemed too heavy for her to carry. When did it begin to weigh her down?

Research tells us that before age 11, girls embody their essential selves: They’re full of confidence, speak their minds, and flaunt their smarts. By the time they reach 15 or 16, however, they’ve submerged their own identity to please their parents, attract boys, and comply with the cultural expectations for females. They keep quiet in class, say “I don’t know” when they do, and choose English and a foreign language over math and sciences, the tougher courses.*

Pressure on girls stems from many source and leads to increasingly fragile self-esteem as they grow from childhood through adolescence to adulthood.

I watch the little girl in front of me enter her house and offer a silent prayer that she grow up in a world that will protect her and respect her individuality.


*Shapiro, Patricia Gottlieb. My Turn: Women’s Search for Self After the Children Leave. Princeton, NJ: Peterson’s, 1996.

Common Sense Ruling

The other day I babysat for my infant granddaughter. I had heard of the EASY rule for infants: Eat, Activity, Sleep, Your (the mother's) Time, popularized by Tracy Hogg, in Secrets of The Baby Whisperer : How To Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby. It made sense so I tried it.

After checking that Mom had nursed and changed her, I played with the baby and when she became cranky bundled her up and rocked her to sleep. This method worked twice, although each time the baby slept for only short periods of time. I congratulated myself on doing such a wonderful job following the rule.

Then EASY was no longer so easy. The third time I tried putting the baby to sleep she just wouldn't relax and drift off like she did before. Her cries were persistent. This baby was clearly not ready for sleep. Her cries indicated she needed something else; only after being fed some more did she happily enter somnolence.

We love rules because they allow us to feel in control of an otherwise unpredictable, possibly threatening situation. School officials, for example, make rules for a particular school or for an entire school district. How well do their rules work?

A recent incident involving a 6-year-old boy illustrates the problem. As reported in The NY Times, this Cub Scout was so excited about his new foldable eating utensil containing a fork, spoon and knife that he brought it to school to use during lunch. However, his school had a zero tolerance policy for bringing weapons to school.

The child was suspended and ordered to spend 45 days in a disciplinary school.

He is currently being home-schooled by his mother while his parents challenge the ruling.

Ironically, "a third-grade girl was expelled for a year because her grandmother had sent a birthday cake to school, along with a knife to cut it. The teacher called the principal — but not before using the knife to cut and serve the cake."

Do we need more proof that some rules result in ludicrous, disproportionately negative consequences?

We need to protect our children from harm and unfortunately can no longer assume that our public schools are safe havens. Administrators, to shortcut their oversight over every student, set down certain rules for everyone. But, as a follow-up editorial states, “Use Common Sense" should be at the top of the list for the state.

Another rule, enacted into law by many states, is the controversial three strikes law. This law is meant to deal with repeat offenders. The unforeseen result is the incarceration of individuals convicted of crimes extremely divergent in severity who serve the same prolonged imprisonment.

Rules delude us into thinking we're in charge; we're omniscient and know what to expect; we can prevent mishaps.

It's a myth.

There is no rule book which will cover all situations for every child nor every adult. People are too complex to fit into neat categories.

Instead, we have to work harder and longer to decipher one another's needs and behavior and to set appropriate limits.

Specifically, we have to look and listen, to be vigilant for signals of distress, strong emotions or irrational behavior. Learning how to interpret these signals requires a commitment that few people are willing to make.

Building bridges is slow work. But a strong bridge of communication can withstand the test of time.

Wellness Step #4: Redefining Success

Almost three weeks have passed since my first step into my current wellness program, but I am still at the beginning.

To be honest, I've had more failures than successes, if one counts the number of mornings that I've awakened at the time set by my (two) alarms. I've tried every trick my sleepy head could conjure to avoid getting up and out of bed: I've changed the time to 1/2 hour later; I've shut off the alarm while lying down, rationalizing that I need my sleep; I've justified my lack of follow-through by saying, "It's okay. I'm not perfect. I don't have to keep to such a rigid schedule."

I have learned in the past three weeks that most of us will fight with every ounce of physical and mental energy to maintain old habits and avoid change.

It's time to become more honest with myself. I hope to decide ahead of time whether I will adhere to my goal of awakening early the next morning or not; either way will be acceptable. If I choose the goal of awakening early to take time for myself, I will sit up in bed before shutting off the alarm and will not lay down again. If I choose to take the morning off, I will not set the alarm for an early time but rather the time necessary to meet my responsibilities to others. For some reason, the latter is not a problem.

Responsibility to others has always taken precedence for me. Growing up I was a late riser, as I mentioned in a previous blog, but once I had children or job requirements, I awoke as early as necessary. So how and why did I begin tackling this longstanding habit of mine?

The answer lies in the realization I reached some time ago that I am responsible for my own well-being. In order to reach the state of well-being, however, I needed to undertake wellness activities; namely, healthy eating, sleeping, exercise and rest. After much deliberation, along with years of denial, I finally began. Little by little, in fits and false starts, I approached life in a new way. Each day became an opportunity to do something new, something small.

I have learned to be more patient, to set the bar lower and allow myself more leeway. I still see the goal-post in front of me but I no longer dream of making a touchdown. I am content to make any progress that I can.

This process has indeed taken a long time; not one or two years, but more than a decade of slow, inconsistent yet incremental growth.

I'm a slow changer but that's okay. Every step has been an achievement and I no longer need to reach the end goal. Success is the ability to stay on the path.