Helicopter Parents

My generation, the Baby Boomers, may be the first to suffer from an overabundance of anxiety. We worry about everything, most of which is not under our control.

The strongest anxiety tends to revolve around our children. From the moment they are born we develop both telescopic and microscopic lenses with which we can tract their every movement.

Thus we have created our own monster, namely, the Helicopter Parent (HP).

The HP is a parent who pays extremely close attention to his or her child or children, particularly at educational institutions. They rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling them or letting them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children's wishes. They are so named because, like a helicopter, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach whether their children need them or not. In Scandinavia, this phenomenon is known as "curling," describing parents who sweep all obstacles off ahead of their children. (Wikipedia)

The origin of the term is from a 1990 book by Cline and Fay, entitled "Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility." The term gained notoriety when American college administrators began using it to describe the practice of some baby boomer parents who called their children each morning to wake them up for class or complained to their professors about the grades their children received!

This type of control and interaction with our children is as harmful to them as it is to us. They may become so dependent or, conversely, so rebellious that their decision-making is totally impaired.

Attention, all Baby Boomers: Our anxiety has kept us aloft too long. We need to get a hold of ourselves and return to land.

Letting go, loosening the ties, is very scary. Don't try to do it alone. But don't run to your children, either, to deflect your fears.

In short: Learn how to live your own life, here and now, on the ground.

Sunday Disarray

The weekend culminates on Sunday (at least here, in the U.S.). So we expect to have more fun when Sunday begins - i.e., Sat. night - and throughout the day. Instead it may become the worst day of the week.

First of all, most children don't have any school on Sunday and, therefore, it's a day without structure - unless we provide it. They don't see their friends - unless we drive them. They don't have any activities - unless we create or find them. Finally, there are no formal meals - unless we make or buy them.

Many marriages suffer from the explosions that occur on Sunday among the kids and between the children and parents. The latter, worn out from the week, want a day to sleep late and have some time to themselves, alone or together. Woe to those who expect "time alone!"

There are no days off for parents.

And Sunday, the first day of the week, shows us that truth with a bang.

The Power of Apology

We've heard heads of state apologize to the public for their actions. We've read about Prime Ministers and Presidents apologizing to other nations for past misdeeds. But how often do you hear of a parent apologizing to a child?

Why are we so afraid of admitting our mistakes? Do we think that our children will lose respect for us if we do apologize?

On the contrary. When we take responsibility for our mistakes, we teach them to do the same. We also let them know that all people make mistakes and that, moreover, we can learn from them only if we acknowledge that we made a mistake in the first place!

So if you're late to pick up your child, you forgot to buy something that was needed, or you responded in anger over a minor misdeed, don't be afraid to admit to it.

Another reason we may be afraid to apologize to our children is the overwhelming guilt that we feel when we realize that we cannot undo what's already been done. We are afraid of the damage and pain that we may have caused our children. This is especially true when dealing with adolescents, who seem to judge our every word and action.

Yet the act of apology frees up both parent and child from anger and makes room for forgiveness and love.

Finally, when we apologize - even if we think we're "right" - we take the burden off our children's shoulders to defend themselves. We remove the judgment and prioritize the relationship.

The power of apology works in all relationships. Try it.

An outsider's view of the family

An appliance repairman came this morning.

I found it really interesting to hear about some of his experiences. Here is one of them:

Usually it’s the kids that I talk to.

I can’t stand the way they talk to their parents when I’m there. Here I am, on the floor, working on the appliance and I hear them say, “I want this (blank) done right away,” or “You can’t (blank) tell me what to do,” etc. Well I get up (and he’s big, over 6 feet tall) and I say to him, “Look, I’m only here a few minutes. I don’t know what your problem is, but I don’t want to hear about it. You can either speak differently to your Mom, or go into another room.”

He leaves and the mother turns to me and says, “I don’t know why he speaks to me that way.” And I reply, “Because you let him.”

“It’s one thing the way the teenagers speak among themselves, and we can’t control that; but we’re in charge of the way they speak to us.”

Finally, I ask Bill, "You’ve raised kids?" Yes, one is in Virginia, and the other just came back from Iraq. He’ll be going back to Iraq or Afghanistan.

Effects of Postpartum Depression

When a woman is functioning well, her whole family does better. This is especially true for new mothers.

According to research by Dr. Alison Fleming at the University of Toronto, "compared to non-depressed mothers, depressed moms respond less sensitively and more negatively to their infants." (http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/105786.php)

This is an important finding, because it demonstrates that the mothers' "anxiety and their negative feelings could affect their ability to soothe their babies and cope with their distress."

Dr. Fleming "describes the mother-baby relationship as a dance: baby smiles, mom smiles back; baby vocalizes, mom vocalizes back. Depressed mothers, she has found, have more difficulty interacting with their babies - they don't take part in the dance, as it were."

During the long winter months, especially, "women may feel isolated, particularly when their partners return to work and they are alone for most of the day."

So - now that spring is here - get outside if you can, spend time with friends, and take a breather from your responsibilities.

If your depression lasts more than a few months, however, seek help from a qualified mental health practitioner. As Dr. Fleming points out, "If mothers stay depressed, babies can have problems with their own social and emotional development later on."

A Grandparent's View

View from the Shore

Don’t feel stressed

if your house is a mess,

and you’re not your best,

and the children are whining

and the toilet’s overflowing,

because it’s all par for the course

when you’re a parent!

So take a deep breath

and dive right in.

The waters may be choppy

but you know how to swim.

While I stand on shore (whether near or far)

and watch with pride,

remembering the times (were they so long ago?)

when you were at my side.

Kitchen Olympics

The Jewish holiday of Passover is the Olympics of Jewish Cooking all over the world. Maybe we should have different events to mark its importance! We can even send out a torch in the shape of an egg beater or a potato masher that will visit all the countries where Jews live today.

Before you compete for a medal, however, recognize all the preparations that need to take place. You're in training for months, making sure that you have the proper tools and necessary stamina. The end is drawing near. Do you still want to compete?

I prefer to view Passover or any major holiday as an annual challenge to myself, irrespective of others who participate. It's my job to (1) prepare for it, both physically and mentally, and (2) improve on last year's preparation, with new recipes for food and emotional well-being.

Happy Holiday, everyone!

Should Parents Snoop on their Teenagers?

What is snooping? The definition is "to pry into other people's business of affairs, especially in a furtive way." I have a full discussion of snooping in my Newsletter dated December 2006 (Vol. 3 Issue 4). But the question arises periodically; I've been contacted twice by TV news stations on this topic!

We have a responsibility to take care of our children and it becomes harder as the children age. The balance between trust and supervision is a delicate one, and needs constant revisiting.

So, I ask you: Would you snoop on your children?

Obama and Jews

I was recently asked by a reporter to comment on Obama's remark that one can be "for Israel and against Likud." This is how I responded:

Stereotypes of any kind trouble me. Obama's statement reminds me of the opinion that one can be "for Jews and against Israel." Theoretically, these remarks might be tenable; but in practical terms, they lump all "Likud" or all "Israel" together as one undifferentiated group. When we group people together we don't have an understanding of them as individuals, and it becomes relatively easy to be wary of or antagonistic towards the group as a whole.

Thus, when one makes a remark like this, it demonstrates ignorance, bias and possibly (dare I say it?) antisemitism.

I don't know how Barack Obama truly feels and we will never know, no matter what he says publicly. But his influences together with his lack of understanding are worrisome.