My Family Coach: Women Discuss Life, Relationships & Parenting

Marriage Feast

2011-01-03T10:55:00.008-05:00

The table is set
waiting for its guests.
Shall we sit down and
savor the repast
or walk away empty,
feeling deprived?
The choice is ours,
to enjoy or destroy.
The choice is ours.

Most couples don't realize they can choose how to react to the difficulties in their relationship. Too often, each spouse blames the other for the pain that results from feeling attacked and/or maligned.

Yet the venue of a marital relationship provides the potential for tremendous individual growth and relationship depth (see NY Times article). It is neither a simple nor easy process and many people, hopeless from the start, don't give it a try.

To develop a strong relationship each spouse needs to be truthful, courageous and committed. With these essential elements, however, the couple can learn how to mix and blend their personalities. They can study the recipe and, alone or with the help of an experienced chef, learn how to use their natural flavors and unique ingredients to create a luscious, long-lasting feast.

Preparing a healthy meal is time-consuming and labor intensive. There are no short-cuts.

Chicken Sauce

2010-12-27T07:55:00.003-05:00

In a hurry to get supper on the table, I opened the refrigerator to see what I could find. I was relieved to see a package of leftover chicken sitting wrapped in aluminum foil on a shelf. Quickly, I grabbed the package. As soon as I did I noticed the sauce it left behind.

It wasn't much, this spot of sauce on the otherwise clean plexiglas shelf. I could leave it till the next time I cleaned the frig. But it had already started to congeal. Without the package of chicken covering it I knew that 1) the sauce would harden further and 2) it would dirty anything else that's put on top of it.

To clean now, when I'm already late, or let it go for another time?

How often we have this dilemma! Should we take care of that annoying little problem in our life now, when we have so much else to do, or postpone attending to it until we have another opportunity? Avoiding the problem when it's "soft" so to speak gives it a chance to harden; dealing with it later will require more time and effort. And we hope nothing else will be affected by it. But the problem is hardly noticeable. We already have so much to do; we just want to get on with our lives and close the door to the dirt inside.

When will we stop the clock and open the door to inspect what lay within?

Take & Give

2010-12-20T15:53:00.007-05:00

The most common theme of this holiday season is "give." That's a wonderful idea and the more we give the better we feel.

But there is one major prerequisite to the ability to give.

The necessity of taking, first.

Developmentally we humans take before we give. Newborns are full-time takers. Normal development rests on the experience of being given to; when we meet our babies' needs they return the favor, so to speak, with smiles, cooing, and ultimately conversing in our language.

Children who are deprived - i.e., they have not been given to in a way that meets their emotional or physical needs - are unable to give. They may become possessive of their toys, easily angered and extremely jealous of their siblings. Because they never seem satisfied with what they get, we may conclude that these children are too self-centered to think of others. In fact, their emotional account is empty; they need more deposits before they can yield any dividends.

Similarly, when women - the majority of whom are taught from a young age to think of others before themselves - constantly give to their families without taking time for themselves, they end up feeling unappreciated and resentful that no one thinks of them.

Giving is by definition an act that is voluntary and without expectation of compensation. I will emphasize this point: True giving means not expecting something in return. To give, therefore, one must have the necessary reserves. Giving from an emotional overflow is healthy; giving that depletes one emotionally is not.

So in this season of giving, remember to replenish yourself first. This recommendation doesn't mean filling up your coffers with the latest fashion design. Rather, listen to your heart and feel what's missing. Once you take what you need from the world, you'll be able to give back tenfold.

Grandparenting

2010-12-16T07:19:00.003-05:00

I always thought being a grandparent was about presents. I've learned that the essence of grandparenting is presence.

Sure, the kids love and hope to receive presents from us. So, one might think, we can give them toys, gifts or money and our relationship is secure.

Not so.

What both creates and cements a relationship is the interaction that takes place between two people. This goes for any relationship. Consider other family relationships - a husband who spends his days and nights at the office may try to compensate with flowers or jewelry; nice but it doesn't cut it. Gifts don't create intimacy. A father who doesn't see his children will soon find that when he asks them, "How's school?" they'll respond, "Fine," and walk away. Presents cannot substitute for presence.

So to be a grandparent I need to be present in my children and grandchildren's lives. And how to do so is an ongoing learning experience.

I'm learning what to say and when to say it
when to express my opinion and when to hold still
how to play and allow others to do the work,
just enjoy - let others be responsible!

It's a new stage in life
and, although my part is small,
I'm still part of the drama
waiting to be called
by little ones who know my name
help me learn my lines
and teach me their games
with love.

Sibling Rivalry 2. Jealousy

2010-12-14T10:13:00.000-05:00

We can't eradicate the jealousy that stems from having siblings. It existed from the beginning of time and will continue to do so as long as there is more than one child in a family.

We can, however, try to minimize the rivalry among our children by:

• Setting rules about behavior, such as what I described in my previous blog.

• Giving incentives and consequences. One nice incentive is a "good deed" jar which gets filled each time a child manifests a positive social behavior to a sibling. When it's filled, everyone gets the prize. It's nice because it's collaborative and the children see concrete progress towards the goal.

• Structuring the situation - planning who does what when - until they're able to handle more freedom without fighting.

• Stopping a fight and, if the protagonists are sufficiently calm, modeling 1) verbal expression of emotions by saying, for example, "You seem bored" or "you're hungry, let's go eat;" and 2) problem-solving: "What's the problem here? You both seem to want... " Then brainstorm with them different ideas, even silly ones, to help them think more broadly. Verbalizing needs and wants is crucial to problem-solving and emotional maturity; ironically, sibling rivalry provides many teachable moments.

You can learn more about sibling rivalry at Siblings Are Forever: Strategies to Minimize Rivalry.

Sibling Rivalry 1. Fighting

2010-12-13T07:10:00.003-05:00

We expect that all siblings fight, especially brothers. After all, "boys will be boys," we say. Sometimes the level of noise and chaos gets to the point that parents end up yelling at their kids to stop. The children do, for the moment, but then resume their "play" as soon as the parents' attention turns elsewhere.

Here are some thoughts about siblings fighting with each other, with the main focus on its physical expression:

1. Fighting ruins the atmosphere of peace in the house. Although it's natural for boys to be physical and we want them to give back what they get on the playground, they can learn to distinguish between the playground and home. It's like language, indeed it is a language, and we don't want street language in our homes.

2. Fighting/physical interaction can be a form of play, especially among younger children. As such, it's a mutual choice for the players. The question is whether, like other forms of play, it contains boundaries - time and place - of when and where it should occur.

3. Fighting is often a physical expression of frustration. As children get older, however, we want them to use words rather than fists to solve problems. A kick or a fist can be a swift and simple response to any difficulty. It doesn't contain the breadth or complexity of trying to figure out a solution that will result in a win-win situation for all.

4. Fighting can result in one or more children becoming targets or victims, by dint of age or size. The victim, in turn, often becomes aggressive to others less fortunate or to playmates outside the home. As the saying goes, "Children learn what they live."

5. Fighting among boys can have an ill effect on a girl. She becomes a victim but, at the same time, learns the same rules of the game. After all, her brothers are her playmates. A sister needs protection and safety, as well as learning the social rules of the female world.

In sum, it's time to declare a moratorium on physical aggression in our homes and establish a "hands off" rule: We, as parents, don't hit you and you don't hit each other. It may be too much to go "cold turkey" and you might try to experiment for a couple of days or a week at a time (with daily and weekly prizes as incentives).

Voices from the Past

2010-11-30T08:36:00.003-05:00

We humans are thinking creatures. We do not usually act reflexively, except in times of danger when our autonomic system takes over and we fight or flee.

Our thoughts, conscious or not, determine our actions. We are not often aware of the influence of our thoughts because the process is so automatic. If we do stop, however, we'll notice our thoughts; they seem to have a life of their own, as if we're haunted by voices. The voices filter, judge and determine what we attend to in the present, and they are helpful or harmful, depending on how connected they are to reality.

So it was with pleasant surprise that I heard some real voices from the past. The alumnae of my high school have reconnected, in anticipation of an upcoming reunion.

How wonderful it is to hear the voices of those who knew me when I was young. Eager to see each other, to exchange details about the multivarious trajectories of our lives, we are contacting each other from near and far.

And so we can listen to the voices of friends who celebrate our endurance and luck in getting this far in life's marathon, or to the inner voices that present life as a haunted house.

I for one never liked adventure parks. I prefer reality.

Losing Weight, Gaining Knowledge

2010-11-15T10:10:00.006-05:00

Stacey has a closet full of clothes, some of which she can wear, others not. She'd like to be able to discard most of them but fears she'll need them; she's been so many sizes in the past that she can't anticipate what she'll need in the future.

Oh, how Stacey wishes she could stay one normal size the way she used to years ago. When she married, she recalls, she was satisfied with her looks and weight. Now she hates looking at herself in the mirror. Her husband doesn't say anything but she can tell he's not too pleased with her appearance either.

Stacey recalls the time she was on Weight Watchers and lost 25 pounds. But the results didn't last. She dreads going back to counting calories; she's been there, done that. What's going to help her now?

It took much courage for Stacey to call me. Her nutritionist had suggested she get a coach to help her reach her weight goal. Stacey figured she had nothing to lose ("Ha ha," she thought). She had walked the dieting treadmill so many times before she had begun to lose hope.

Stacey began by describing her efforts to lose weight. "What is failure?" I asked her. "What did you learn from your experience with Weight Watchers?"

We could look at Stacey's history as a series of failed attempts to lose weight or turn it on its head and envision each occurrence as part of her learning. In the first instance Stacey would see herself as going downhill; in the second, she's climbing ever closer to her desired goal.

No matter how many times a mountaineer slips she keeps climbing.

Stacey, like all of us, has the potential to reach her goal. By means of tapping into her courageous spirit and fanning the flames of motivation, she was able to get back to work. We spoke weekly and along with weight loss we discussed other life goals.

Stacey has now begun to live her life as fully as a painter paints her canvas - using inadvertent splatters of paint, as well as intentional strokes, to complete the whole. The result can be a masterpiece.

Criticism: How to Face It

2010-11-02T14:53:00.003-04:00

I stood stock-still, paralyzed by fright. The tightly curled body was topped by a broad, triangular head with protruding eyes. Its forked tongue flicked up and down in front of me; was it going to strike?

When I stepped through the portal of graduate school I felt as if I had entered a den of snakes. Some of the professors seemed to slither around the students, feeding on our blood. Their poison could destroy our self-esteem.

I was always on guard, fearing for my psychological safety. When I became engaged to be married after my first year in the doctoral program, one reptile offered me condolences instead of congratulations.

It was hard to distinguish among the venomous and nonvenomous serpents. From afar they all looked and sounded alike. It took experience and much inner work for me to to master who was harmful and who not.

Until that time I did not know how to bear the sting of criticism. On the one hand, I had excellent grades for most of my school years and was used to praise, not disapproval. On the other, when I was criticized it was often via a label such as selfish, spoiled, or stupid.

Hence, when a professor criticized my doctoral thesis or research proposal, I felt as if there was something wrong with me not my work. It didn't seem fixable and I would become hopeless.

It took years for me to understand that criticism could be useful; that it could mean scholarly analysis and interpretation, not censure; that I could even learn more from criticism than from compliments!

Criticism, in other words, can be constructive. The best educators provide timely and specific negative feedback with useful strategies for skill improvement, support and encouragement.* Students are then given the tools they need to succeed and meet their academic goals.

On the other hand, when criticism focuses on the person rather than the behavior or task at hand it can be destructive and frightening, especially when the one criticized is less powerful than the critic. Thus children, students at all educational levels and patients or clients are vulnerable and capable of being hurt by our words. We need to safeguard them until they are able to protect themselves.

The ability to hear criticism and learn from it is an acquired skill. It takes moral strength and courage to learn how to tame a snake. But it can be done.

One approach to dealing with verbal attacks is outlined by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication. He suggests that we interpret criticism as the critic's unmet need. Thus a woman who complains to her husband, "You don't love me!" is essentially saying, "I have a need for attention, time by myself, etc." In this case, as in many others, the woman is clumsily stating her needs and requesting help in fulfilling them.

Similarly, if a client gets upset with therapy or coaching results, I try to listen for an unmet need. By doing so I can hear a new direction for me to follow. For example, if someone says, "You're not telling me what to do!" I try to hear what the person needs - security and support - and respond, "Let's figure out a plan together." My response may or may not meet their need, but at least I'm listening and responding empathetically rather than defensively to their reproof.

I no longer fear verbal attacks. Snakes, once defanged, are beautiful.

*The Benefits of Criticism.

Touch

2010-10-28T08:03:00.023-04:00

She carefully, fondly cleaned behind his ears and down his back while he stood perfectly still, enjoying his mother's touch. Both of them sensed the specialness of the moment, its brevity as well as its beauty. There was so much love between them.

Then he grew impatient, his youthfulness reasserting itself, and the moment was gone.

The little deer shook his head and bounded away, while the doe watched him go.

Touch is the most basic expression of love among humans as well as other species. Newborn children need to be touched to grow and gain weight. When deprived of this basic need they fail to thrive, experiencing the eponymous syndrome. Infants at risk range from those raised in orphanages or neglectful, abusive homes to premature hospitalized babies.

We forget, as our children grow older, how often we used to touch them. We may not realize that just as they enjoyed being touched, we enjoyed touching them. It signified closeness, caring and connection.

Touch, however, can be easily warped by those who misconstrue its meaning. Rather than convey love it becomes a means of possession and power. Because of the plethora of abuse in society we are compelled to refrain from touching children outside our immediate families, such as young neighbors or students.

Yet the desire for physical closeness and its concomitant benefits do not wane; touch benefits adults as well as children. It has been found to lessen pain, improve pulmonary function, reduce stress hormones and lower blood glucose.*

So continue to touch your children to the degree they allow. If your teenagers balk at being hugged and react like a porcupine when you attempt to do so, back off and give them space. A touch on the shoulder at this age can have the power of a full-blown embrace of a younger child.

As you move on to more verbal means of communication, remember the power of the physical. Touching an adult's arm to show support can express more sympathy than anything you could say.

Also, don't forget the elderly person in your life. Senior citizens, who often live alone, receive the least amount of touching than any other age group. Touching an elderly parent, especially one with Alzheimer's, can facilitate communication. When I hug my mother or hold her hand, for example, she smiles and I know we've connected. Maybe through my touch I've given her an extra moment of life.

Finally, if you're lucky you'll be blessed with grandchildren. Then you'll have a chance to touch a young'un all over again. Enjoy it while it lasts!

*See Importance of Human Touch.

Reading: Pleasure or Pain?

2010-10-25T10:37:00.013-04:00

My brothers used to hide their comic books. Under the mattress, in the closet, among their school books - I would find these hidden treasures, surreptitiously scan them and quickly return them to their secret lair.

Oh how I loved to read!

As my pulse raced with excitement and my throat tightened with fear that I might be found out, I read whatever I could find. I didn't understand all the words but the pictures helped. My brothers had hundreds of comics - Archie and Veronica, Superman, Batman, to name a few - all gone now. These characters introduced me to reading.

And how I loved to read!

I soon graduated to reading the Hardy Boys and Tom Swift, books in which the action engendered pictures in my mind. I no longer needed pictures on the page. I had entered the world of imagination.

I still love to read.

There is so much concern nowadays about our children's reading ability. Are they reading on grade level? Are they reading fast enough? Do they comprehend the text? Is the material sufficiently complex? Maybe they need more practice, more teaching, more homework!

This anxiety has seeped down to the preschool level. As depicted in a recent NY Times article, "Parents have begun pressing their kindergartners and first graders to leave the picture book behind and move on to more text-heavy chapter books. Publishers cite pressures from parents who are mindful of increasingly rigorous standardized testing in schools."

The message that little kids hear, ‘You can do better than this, you can do more than this,’ immediately sets off alarm bells: Reading is work. It is no longer fun. I can't proceed at my own pace because that might not be good enough. If I don't understand what I'm reading then I must be dumb because Mommy/Daddy expects me to do more.

Reading has become, for many children, an activity to be avoided.

One of the most cited outcomes of the publication of the Harry Potter books is that children became excited once again about reading. When did they lose this excitement? What steers them away from children's literature?

Reading competes with the most advanced technology available to capture our children's attention. If we want them to open a book and turn away from the computer or set aside their phones/ipads, we'll need to re-introduce them to Wonderland. It's time to line their shelves with books of their choosing, step out of their way and allow them to find their own Yellow Brick Road.

Descending the Mountain

2010-10-20T08:24:00.004-04:00

Descending a mountain has its own challenges. One can run down or, if fearful of slipping on a loose stone or tree root, carefully wend one's way down the trail.

Without the imperative - accompanied by the adrenalin of anxiety - that one must reach the top no matter what, the way down can seem long and lonely.

When we are young, confident and idealistic, we are poised to achieve and climb the mountain of life. We look ahead at the vast expanse of possibilities and choose paths that will challenge and elicit our strengths. At times we fall and get bruised or become fearful and need encouragement. Nevertheless, garnering our strength, we press on.

Each of us has scaled mountains. At midlife we begin to look back at the path we've taken. There is a sense of wonder at the challenges we've overcome, the pain we've endured. We survey the vast expanse of life that surrounds us and feel comforted by the knowledge that we are just a small part of a much greater landscape.

At midlife we begin to choose our descent. It can be desolate and forlorn, or it can present new opportunities.

Note: The midlife dilemma has been described very eloquently by the psychiatrist, Dr. Allan Chinen, in his collection of fairy tales entitled Once Upon a Midlife. It is fun reading how the middle-age protagonists in these archetypal tales confront analogous choices as they embark on the remainder of their life's journey.

Back to my own story: I rose from my perch on top of the mountain and began my descent. Tired from climbing, I put away my guidebook and hurried behind a family of four, figuring I'd just follow them down.

My middle-aged knees ached and I leaned heavily on my walking staff. I could not keep up with the young family ahead of me. But the trail was easy to follow and I continued to lumber my way down.

At one point another family passed me. The young mother - everyone seemed younger than me - asked, "Are you alright, Ma'am?" and I defensively retorted, "Did you take the hard climb to the top?" When she replied she had I proudly said, "So did I!" Nevertheless I suddenly felt old and uncertain of my abilities.

How easily a well-meaning remark can puncture our balloon and deflate our self-image!

I reached the bottom of Bonticou Crag. Now I had only to return along the trail back to my car.

But I didn't stop to assess the route. Instead, with relief, I joined a group of middle-aged people who like me were returning from the top. I welcomed their company and allowed them to take charge of the route.

We lost our way.

We hiked a trail that took us back in a loop to where we had begun. By now I was both frustrated and exhausted. Instead of reassessing the route, however, I chose again to follow the leader of the group.

We ended the long hike by loping down an unmarked path that we could see ended at a road. We trudged along the road until we reached our cars in the parking lot.

In 20-20 hindsight I see that I had abandoned my solitary journey. I had chosen safety in numbers rather than rely on my own resources and intelligence.

It is difficult to forge one's own path in life. Doing so may necessitate deviating from the norm. It is the shortest way, however, to reach home.

Mountain Climbing

2010-10-19T09:38:00.010-04:00

The boulders were huge. Fashioned by time and the elements, they stacked on one another like a huge, precarious mountain of Jenga blocks. Dare I try climbing to the top?

The trail had been fairly easy until now. Well-marked, with clear directions from my guidebook, I enjoyed a leisurely hike on a beautiful autumn day. Now it was time to make a decision. Should I take the roundabout route or ascend by climbing the mountain of boulders in front of me?

I could take the easier route, I reasoned to myself. I'd still be climbing and I'd feel safe. It wouldn't be scary. But then I won't know; I won't know if I could do it. I won't test my limits and stretch. I might feel safe but sorry.

So I approached this mountain in the same way I've met other challenges in my life. I took a deep breath and searched for trail markers. Then I looked at the boulder straight in front me, assessed how to mount it, lifted up my leg and began to climb.

About halfway I made the mistake of glancing down into the chasm left between two huge rocks resting at a 45 degree angle. I began to feel queasy, slightly nauseous and faint. Recognizing these signs of fear I quickly looked away, took some deep breaths and consciously relaxed while taking in the beautiful expanse of multicolored hills and mountaintops around me. I pressed on.

Why did I continue in the face of my terror? Why not turn back and descend, take the easier route around rather than up the mountain? What was I trying to prove?

I briefly asked myself these questions and knew there was no turning back. It was just as difficult to negotiate the rocks below me as those ahead, so I chose to continue.

There were few others on this climb. One group consisted of parents and their two young sons. I saw them near the top and could hear the parents' encouragement as the lads clambered up. What gives youth such enthusiasm and fearlessness? Was it ignorance of life and/or belief in themselves that endows them with such confidence?

Another group below were more similar to me, middle-aged and slower to ascend. One of the women was so terrified she began to cry and her husband needed to boost her up while calling out words of praise. In this instance, however, his words were not riding waves of natural confidence but trying to stem a tsunami of fear. She too continued to climb.

Each of us proceeded at our own pace and eventually scaled the ridge of Bonticou Crag. What joy! What a magnificent view! We congratulated each other as we relaxed on the mountaintop.

Next: The descent.

What's in a Name?

2010-10-18T09:33:00.001-04:00

Every time you use my name
you remind me that I'm sane.
I count for someone
who recognizes me,
affirms what I think
is what you see.

Those who call me by a different name
(nerd, fatso, or stupid are a few)
don't realize the harm they do.
I hear those names in my head today
when the Critic echoes
what people say.

It's taken me years to hear a new voice
sing a new song
feel I belong.
It is only now I can truly say
I know who I am
I know my name.

Adolescent Therapy

2010-10-13T08:51:00.011-04:00

Mother looked up at her teenager. When had she shrunk and her child grown so tall? Did their relationship have to change, too? When had they stopped understanding each other?

You're late. We agreed your curfew would be 11 pm. That was 20 minutes ago.
I forgot. I'm sorry; it won't happen again.
That's what you said last time.
I don't care. I don't have to listen to you. I hate you!

After repeated altercations with her teen, this mother decided to seek help from a variety of mental health professionals. The latter often assume parents are to blame for their children's problems (see blog entry 12/16/08, Blaming Parents). As a result, as soon as they hear the child say something negative about parents - and what child wouldn't, especially an unhappy one - they may think, "Aha! Now I know the source of the problem." They call in the parents for a feedback session:

Your daughter doesn't want you to know what's bothering her. She doesn't trust you. I'm not permitted to tell you because it's confidential.
or
Your son hates you. He's angry with you, doesn't want to talk to you and wants me to help him find a place to live.

The parents are devastated. First they're attacked by their children and now the experts, too, seem to agree that they're to blame. They feel tremendous guilt and shame. They may react with anger: How could their child do this to them?

Parental anger derives from a deep feeling of helplessness. They are confused by their child's behavior and now feel shut out from helping. Traditionally, as soon as a child is old enough for talk therapy, treatment becomes the province of the therapist. The expert makes the decisions about what's best for the child. Parents - involved in every aspect of their child's care to date, anxious and eager to help - feel disenfranchised. They now have to stand by while someone else takes over and pray that the latter (who is taking their money) will take equally good care of their child.

There are indeed cases where parents have been physically or emotionally abusive. Alternatively, they may be too extreme in their parenting style, either too rigid or too laissez-faire. The most important factor in all instances is whether the parents are ready to change, seeking professional help when necessary for their own issues.

Who among us can say we've never made any parenting mistakes? Who has never lost her temper, said something hurtful, said no when the child needed to hear yes or yes when no was more appropriate? Who can withstand the ire of an adolescent without fear of losing one's child?

Parents today are blamed and castigated for doing what they know how to do - love their children. They were never sent to parenting school and as a result (unless they were blessed with parents who were good role models) have had to learn the way most of us do - via trial and error. Yes, error; many of them.

There is another way to help adolescents.

One of the most serious and baffling illnesses that beset adolescents is anorexia nervosa. Adolescents (mostly girls but increasingly boys, too) who succumb to this illness refuse to eat; they suffer from the delusion that they are fat and fall into a bottomless pit of food restriction unless they are forcefully extricated from it.

Anorexia was blamed, as you can guess, on over-controlling parents, especially the mother. As a result, treatment usually involved separating the teen from the malevolent influence of the Wicked Witch.

Four years ago I noted that parental involvement is a crucial component of teen health (see blog dated 11/30/06). Once again recent articles in the Wall St. Journal and NY Times describe a family therapy model called the Maudsley approach that has parents take charge of their severely underweight child. As one of the specialists in this method states, We don’t think the parents are to blame for the problem, Dr. Le Grange said. We think they’re part of the solution, and should be center stage.

The child's relationship with parents is the most important determinant of his or her mental health until adulthood and often beyond. Parental inclusion rather than exclusion may well determine a treatment's success.

Adolescents need their parents. When parents are willing and able, a therapist's job is to help teens reconnect with them and rebuild the bridge of trust.

For a Friend

2010-10-12T10:42:00.001-04:00

Our days are like a treasure box
waiting to be filled
with sights and smells that captivate us,
and sounds that can't be stilled.

When the day is like night
and pressure bears down
one's treasure box doesn't open.
Try as one might
hands too weak
paralyzed by misfortune.

It takes strength and courage
to open the lid
and throw in a gem or two.
Trust in G-d
and the love of friends
can help sustain you.

Chewing Gum

2010-10-11T11:00:00.004-04:00

"What is this?" asks Alice, as she's handed a piece of gum. "Do you mean I chew without swallowing?"

"How absurd! What could be the point?"*

How far we have come from the concept of eating to live. We are stuck in automatic pilot to the point that our actions no longer make sense. To wit, we

Chew without eating
Speak without communicating
Hear without listening
Look without seeing and
Touch without feeling.

But we can transform our actions if we so desire. We can relearn how to live. What we need to do is

STOP
THINK
and CHOOSE how we want to be
Only then are we truly free.

* Adapted from Alice I Have Been, by Melanie Benjamin.

Modern Times

2010-10-07T15:57:00.007-04:00

the world is a-changing
and we're losing touch
our heads are connected
but not our hearts

the universe grows smaller
minute by minute
but what is happening
to the humans in it

we dare not wait
lest we lose the deal
there's no time to think
let alone feel

our words are brief
no pause or stop
in this high-tech life
grammar is forgot

the cantata called "love"
lingers too long
we want results
not a complex song

instead we're enslaved
by our own inspiration
compelled to construct
tomorrow's PlayStation

our spouses, our children
no longer recognize
the image of the person
they used to idolize

so fleeting, so fragile
the moment's attraction
we cannot freeze-frame
such human interaction

like parent, like child
we'll reap what we sow
what we neglect today
we'll confront tomorrow

Mother, Waiting for Dawn

2010-10-06T07:40:00.005-04:00

It is so difficult, I don't know if I can do it
It is so easy, I wonder why I can't
Getting up in the morning used to be a treat
Now it's a chore.

When did it change? you ask.
As the family and responsibilities grew
the days became shorter
and the time flew.

Now I ask, how will I fit in
the life I want to lead?
How will I balance
obligations with my need?

I used to have legs
to run and explore
now they are bound
by obligations galore

How long will the night last
until I can be free?
What will enable
the sun rise for me?

One by One

2010-10-05T07:15:00.004-04:00

They took us, one by one, young and old.

As the child of a holocaust survivor these images never truly leave me. The dash for survival, the visceral fear, the confrontation with the monster are embedded in my genes. At times of stress the nightmare feels real.

One by one, that's how it feels. The acute knowing that I'm next, the not knowing what's next, the tension of the moment between life and death.

It takes time to emerge from the depths of hell. I do so by means of self-care and caring for others. The antidote to cruelty is love.

One by one.

They destroyed the membranes but could not eviscerate the soul. They toppled the structure but could not excavate the foundation.

We build again.

One by one.

The Jacket

2010-10-04T08:20:00.003-04:00

He grew up in Trinidad. When he was young, his parents had a small restaurant. He used to help out in the store and instead of an allowance he was permitted to keep his tips. Like all boys he was tempted to spend it all. But he learned something important from an uncle whom he admired: Whenever you get a large "bill," as he called it, put some aside for the future.

He kept putting aside money until he had amassed quite a bit. And there the story begins.

His older sister wanted to open up her own place. She turned to him and asked him for a loan. He hesitated but gave his entire savings to her.

Years later he married and moved to the States. He worked hard as an auto mechanic and continued to follow his uncle's advice. Eventually he was able to think of buying his own place. He found an appropriate site and put together all the money he had. But he was $20,000 short. Where would he get the money?

He didn't know if she could, but he asked his sister anyway. Would she give him 20 thousand dollars? She said she'd go to the bank the next day and he should come by to pick it up. He was thrilled!

He bought the place and worked hard to make a go of it. He continued to follow his uncle's dictum, this time in a concrete way.

He took an old jacket, hung it discreetly in a back room and every time he had a big "bill" he stuffed some money in a pocket. He did this for years until all of the jacket's pockets were stuffed with cash.

One day he took his jacket over to this sister. "Take it," he said. "I don't know how much money is in there, whether it's enough or not, but it's all yours." He never counted what was in the jacket and his sister didn't tell him.

Several years later he asked her one question: "Was it enough?" She replied, "It was more than enough. Thank you."

To this day, he doesn't know the total. He doesn't need to. He met his goal.

Coaching: My Second Career

2010-07-13T13:29:00.008-04:00

Six years ago, on impulse, I attended a full-day workshop on coaching. I didn't know what coaching was about but I decided after hearing the presenter, Dr. Ben Dean of MentorCoach, to sign on.

What about coaching drew me to it?

I had reached the stage in my life when I could look beyond the walls of my home and office for satisfaction. My vision had suddenly expanded and I wanted to contribute to the world-at-large.

Midlife presents a challenge and an opportunity, depending on our attitude and actions. I was experiencing a sense of emptiness as my children were leaving home and I didn't know what to do. What did this feeling mean? What need of mine was not being met? I decided that this feeling might signal a new opportunity.

I got this idea from a picture book.

Emma tells the story of an elderly woman whose children visit her periodically and generously bring her the gift of a painting of her home town. But the picture is not the way Emma remembers her home. So she resolves to fix it. She purchases paints, painting supplies and an easel and begins to paint. She loves it so much that she keeps painting; not only pictures of her home town but other domestic scenes as well. The book has a lovely, ironic ending and is most likely based on the life of Grandma Moses.

I am not as old as Emma/Grandma Moses but the transition this woman experiences is one with which I identify. I knew six years ago that I had a calling I had yet to realize. I wanted to translate my life experience into a useful endeavor. Coaching has enabled me to do that.

When I coach a client I use my intuitive knowledge in addition to my coaching skills. On the one hand, without the extensive training that I've acquired, I know I could misuse my intuition; I'd be giving advice and following my agenda but my clients would not benefit. They have plenty of people who can advise them. Instead, by funneling my intuition through the lens of coaching, I'm able to help my clients access their own strengths and intuition. I leave the sessions feeling thrilled to be part of this process.

I have now completed all the requirements, including classwork and intense supervision, as well as passed the extensive oral and written exams mandated by the International Coaching Federation. I am a Certified Life Coach.

My adoption of a new career has helped me appreciate rather than lament the passage of time. I've learned that each stage in life brings gifts, if we choose to open them. It means taking a chance and stepping out of our comfort zone.

I'm glad I did.

The Doctor's Advice

2010-05-16T18:14:00.008-04:00

Are you going to see The Doctor? Are you anxious to receive his/her advice?

Many times we are in such awe of medicine and medical experts that we don't challenge the advice that we're given.

I remember when my oldest child at the age of one year was experiencing diarrhea and I took her to The Doctor (her pediatrician) to check it out. It was serious enough that she was unhappy, weak and her development had slowed down.

I contributed information that suggested some food sensitivities in the family. The Doctor examined her, proclaimed it was a virus and sent us home.

Her problems continued. I called him for advice. He told me to wait and see.

A friend suggested the possibility of a food allergy and to try taking away wheat and milk for a week to see if her digestion improved. Within several days there was significant improvement; by the end of 10 days she was back to normal.

"Wait and see" doesn't always work.

We need to feel free to question any expert to whom we turn for advice. As the physician and writer Jerome Groopman remarked,

We doctors need you to help us to think better. We need you to question us and engage us from a position of knowledge about how and when we think well and how and when we go astray... It's really hard to be a doctor. But it's much harder to be a patient.*

An expert gives advice based on his or her knowledge. We are the best source of that knowledge about ourselves and our children.

Don't be afraid to use it.

*Quoted in Ellen J. Langer's Counter Clockwise: Mindful Health and the Power of Possibility (NY: Ballantine Books, 2009), p. 21.

Parenting Teens: Labels

2010-05-06T11:46:00.007-04:00

All the years she was told she’s selfish
and he was labeled lazy
have created sores that won’t wash away
or heal
the pain that made them stay.

The girl who’s selfish cannot share
because she has nothing to give.
Depleted inside
feeling deprived
she needs you to forgive.

The boy who’s lazy is angry, too
but this he cannot say
to those who disapprove
and do not move
to guide him in his way.

Be careful what you tell your children
and how you view their behavior.
The path they choose reflects your own:
Are you their critic or
their savior?

Many years later (when you may be gone)
they’ll still remember your words.
You’ll shape their lives
in ways unknown
by actions that sustain or spurn.

Anxiety: The Bane of Parents

2010-05-03T14:26:00.018-04:00

A young mother wrote to me: "As the mother of a toddler, I'm really grateful to moms and dads who've given me great advice and support. But at the same time, other mom's comments also have made me feel inadequate."

"Are we all sensitive and a little defensive," she asks,"because we love our kids so much? Maybe we feel threatened by other people's choices, because we see them as an implicit criticism of our choices."

Alternatively she suggests, "Maybe we're more hyper-aware, even painfully aware, of the many dangers to children and have trouble putting them in perspective?"

Welcome to the Age of Anxiety.

Parenting, like many endeavors, has become a public as well as private affair and we've entered the competition for the Highest Achiever Award. We're asked:
Are you married? How long? How many children do you have? What nursery school does your little boy attend? To which colleges is your teen applying? What kind of work do you do? Does it pay well?

Everything is open to discussion and when other people judge us their voices are echoed by the inner critics we carry around from childhood. In fact, we've become so used to evaluating ourselves via the public scorecard we no longer trust our own judgment.

This competition heightens our already-elevated level of performance anxiety, as we analyze every parent-child interaction to determine if it's right or wrong according to the myriad of expert authors and speakers.

An additional ingredient is our subconscious predilection to transform peers into our psychological siblings, with the result that yesterday's sibling rivalry gets played out in today's adult world.

It's a wonder we can get through the day!

Mark Twain's words are relevant here: "Each man is afraid of his neighbor's disapproval - a thing which, to the general run of the human race, is more dreaded than wolves and death."*

Finally, let's not avoid the concomitant question of why strangers think they have the license to comment on our children's behavior and by implication our parenting skills.

Ever try to stop a toddler from throwing a tantrum in the supermarket? Or a child from running into people as they pursue some unknown target? What about the chutzpah that children invariably show in public places? You'd think they speak to us like that all the time (which they may or may not do)!
People too often have a fix-it syndrome for every interpersonal problem that they witness. After all, it's much easier to fix someone else's problem than one's own! We've been trained to become problem-solvers in every area of our lives; we assume that the mother sitting on the playground bench would welcome our advice.

We've also tumbled like Alice down the hole into the world of virtual relationships. Strangers have become voyeurs of other people's lives (witness the popularity of so-called Reality Shows) and authorities on anything they can Google. Internet networks have replaced real-life connections and we think that "friends" on Facebook are as close as members of our own family.

True relationships take time to form. We are impatient nowadays to get results and we may lack the fortitude and equanimity to take it slow, to assess the terrain and determine if what we're about to say will trip us up on the rocky road of interpersonal communication.

Parenting is very similar. It takes years of endless experimentation to determine how best to proceed with each individual child. We need time, energy, humility and love to raise our children and remember, along the way, to champion ourselves.

*The United States of Lyncherdom, Mark Twain's 1901 essay written in response to a newspaper account of lynching in Missouri.

TEENS: What do they need?

2010-04-28T21:26:00.009-04:00

I recall sitting at my computer when my teenage daughter came home from school.

I turned around as she entered the room.

"How was your day?" I asked.

She looked hard at me as she replied, "Fine," and then left the room.

This pattern continued for a few days and I began to notice (finally) her reticence. 'What's happening here?' I asked myself.

So I experimented.

The following day I made sure to stop my work at least 1/2 hour before my daughter's expected arrival and began to cook supper.

She found me in the kitchen.

"How was your day (or some variant)?" I asked.

"Fine."

But this time she didn't leave the room. She stayed, relaxed against the counter, and watched as I continued to prepare the meal.

From then on I tried my best to be in the kitchen, not at the computer, when my teenager returned home.

What do teenagers want?

Today's Wall St. Journal describes the change in teens' television viewing habits and summarizes it as follows: "Teens like their parents."

Furthermore, market research backs up this new phenomenon:

In a study of more than 2,000 children... 75% of 12- to 17-year-olds said they get along with their parents, and 72% said they like spending time with their families. In a June 2007 study, 93% of teens said they had a good relationship with their mothers - an estimated 15 to 20 percentage points higher than two decades ago.

Similar to my previously published article, What Do Adolescent Girls Need?, the Wall St. Journal article highlights the importance of family relationships in meeting adolescents' emotional needs. As I quoted in my article on teen girls, "making family meals a priority, in spite of scheduling difficulties, emerges as the most consistent protective factor for disordered eating."*

So what does your teenager need?

You.

*Neumark-Sztainer, Dianne, et.al. Are family meal patterns associated with disordered eating behaviors among adolescents? Journal of Adolescent Health, Vol. 35, Issue 5, November 2004, Pages 350-359.

Email etiquette: Do you cap?

2010-04-12T20:38:00.005-04:00

As an English major in college, I may be sensitive to the etiquette of the written language. In the Stone Age we communicated via handwritten letters. We advanced to typing our thoughts on paper. Now we've discarded the paper and instead blast our words into cyberspace.

So what's the proper etiquette for this new medium?

Shall we bother with rules of punctuation, grammar and capitalization?

Or rather dash off our thoughts via the 21st century version of Morse code?

We increasingly shortcut our communication as a function of our sense of time. The less time we perceive we have, the more quickly we want things done and the less time, effort, and energy we wish to invest in each undertaking.

We no longer make the effort to press the shift button.

We don't have the energy to make a phone call.

We dare not take out time to sit with a loved one and relax or play.

Where did all the time go?

Dreams that Don't Leave

2010-02-24T15:17:00.007-05:00

They were after me! Dressed in army fatigues, helmeted and holding rifles with sharp bayonets extended before them, they were running up the stairs, getting closer and closer. They were barking, "Achtung! Achtung!" I was terrified.

I call this dream and its variations my "Nazi dreams." They occurred frequently when I was younger, then tapered off gradually and resurface every once in awhile.

My mother, in her 90's and suffering from Alzheimer's, is a Holocaust survivor. Most of her family - my grandparents and other aunts and uncles - was decimated. Two of her surviving sisters were in concentration camps while a brother was in the underground. Terror, death and destruction were part of my childhood landscape.

Then there are the funeral dreams. I dreamt that I was at my mother's funeral, with its attendant feelings of sadness and regret. Years before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I dreamt that I had already lost her. My dreams conveyed information of which I was consciously unaware.

My dreams, I conclude, use material from my subconscious memory to elucidate my current feelings and concerns. I have learned to hold onto a dream when I awaken to review it and reexperience its attendant feelings. The psychological information that I glean from this work tells me much about my feelings and needs.

I don't explore my nocturnal world every day; only when the intensity of its emotional storms stay with me past the transition between sleep and wakefulness.

My dreams are a window into a self that's hidden from view. I've developed tremendous respect for the messages that it - through the language of dreams - sends my way. It has become my most trusted and reliable friend.

Anxiety on the Rise

2010-01-11T15:47:00.016-05:00

I'm sure you know someone, either in your family or among your friends, who is highly anxious. You will recognize the rapid speech, need for reassurance and fear of new situations, sometimes accelerating into full-blown panic.

We have become scared to live.

Anxiety, according to the Report of the Surgeon General, is the most common emotional disorder among adults as well as during childhood and adolescence. About 13 of every 100 children and adolescents ages 9 to 17 experience some kind of anxiety disorder; girls are affected more than boys in about 2:1 ratio.

The anxiety disorders include Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Phobias, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

Anxiety disorders now appear at younger ages. I get calls from preschool teachers whose students are so anxious that they cannot color a page without tears of distress. The teachers do not describe a child's distress when the mother leaves at the beginning of the day; they see this heightened fear anytime a child puts pencil or crayon to paper, at a level that characterizes adults giving a presentation at a business luncheon!

Yet parents may be unaware of their children's distress. According to this month's edition of the American Psychological Association's Monitor on Psychology, "about one-fifth of children reported they worry a great deal or a lot, but only 3 percent of parents rate their children's stress as extreme" (p. 23).

What is happening here?

First of all, an anxious child often grows into an anxious adult. Genetically laden with a propensity toward anxiety, these children are often raised by equally anxious parent(s). Although anxiety may decrease with age, it often resurfaces at times of transition or stress.

Second, we are all burdened by information overload. The world's suffering, violence and mayhem seem to be at our doorstep, with concomitant fear for the well-being of our loved ones.

Third, parents and adults in general experience more stress now than ever before, despite time-saving devices. Indeed the most common descriptor that I hear about life is that it's hectic. Women especially experience more stress symptoms than men, such as "irritability or anger, fatigue and depression" (ibid., p.24). The resultant tension affects our marriages, parenting abilities, and our children's mental health.

Fourth, our expectations of ourselves and our children have risen at the speed of new versions of Windows. Babies are taken to "enrichment" classes, toddlers are expected to have "play dates," and preschoolers are required to know their numbers and letters by the time they enter kindergarten. And it only gets worse.

Five-year-olds must have computer skills and fifteen-year-olds top AP and PSAT scores. The pressure is on all of us to produce outstanding results, both in our personal and professional lives.

A feeling of urgency prevails, while our sense of safety declines.

What better recipe for anxiety disorders and stress?

We cannot turn back the clock, nor would we want to. We all enjoy the benefits of technology.

So what can a person do?

1. You can erect a barrier. You can restore the boundaries that existed in prior generations between the adult and children's worlds. You can shield your children from the traumas that occur to so many people but which they blessedly do not have to experience. Not yet.

You can give your children back their childhood.

2. You can decide to get off the express train. You can learn how to handle mediocrity and accept what you have, to take the slow track and enjoy the scenery.

3. You can learn how to say, "No."

No to taking an extra course or to signing up your child for one, filling up every waking hour with something to learn and do.

No to more gadgets that distract and compel you to interact in cyberspace, at the cost of real-world human interactions.

No to pressure to achieve, make more money, go to more social events, attend more meetings.

Yes to listening to your heart and hearing what you and your children need.

4. You can learn how to relax, reframe your problems and tone down your emotions. Only then will you learn how to appreciate the gift of life.

Breathe deeply. You can overcome your anxiety. Then you will truly know how to live.

Women's Midlife Crisis

2009-12-24T16:11:00.014-05:00

It's about time. We can publicly discuss a rite of passage for women that is as prevalent as that for males.

Our young adult years are filled with daily obligations and we tend not to think about what direction our lives are taking. We stay on the bandwagon fulfilling everyone's needs until something shakes us out our lethargy. Only then do we stop what we're doing to question, "Does my family really appreciate my sacrifices all these years? What do I want in life?"

These questions may percolate beneath the surface for decades until we confront 1) a milestone in our life, such as turning 40 or 50; 2) a time of transition, as when our youngest child enters adolescence or leaves home, no longer needing our physical presence to the same degree; or 3)a serious crisis, such as the pain of illness or the specter of divorce.

Any or all of these events may lead to feelings of anger, bitterness and even hopelessness. As one woman exclaimed, "I've given in throughout my life and I've had enough!"

We may shout, "I Am Woman" and cry out, "Enough is enough!", but no one can give us the power to change our lives except ourselves.

In a recent article in the Wall St. Journal entitled, Have a Nice Midlife Crisis, reporter Sue Shellenbarger describes what happens when women enter "the age of dissatisfaction." Some view this time as a crisis that can "justify reckless, self-indulgent behavior." Other midlife women, "more mindful than their parents about the psychological perils of middle age... are anticipating midlife unrest and trying to turn it to positive ends."

"A growing number of researchers are defining middle age more broadly and in positive terms," writes Shellenbarger, "as a good time to reassess life goals and chart a new course." She quotes an article in the Harvard Business Review, which drew thousands of emails in response according to its co-author Carlos Strenger, an associate professor of psychology at Tel Aviv University in Israel and a researcher and consultant on midlife change: "Midlife is your best and last chance to become the real you."

The issues are not new. Over sixty years ago, Pearl S. Buck, stated,

Woman is in a predicament in our modern world. Man is no longer holding her back. He is urging her on. The day of our grandmothers, and even our mothers, is over. There is nothing for women to rebel against, and many of them are frightened and trying to find shelter and excuse in being "just a housewife." The responsibility is terrifying now that they can be whatever they wish to be.*

When we reach midlife, to quote Ms. Buck, "Once the what is decided, the how always follows. We must not make the how an excuse for not facing and accepting the what" (p. 79).

In other words, once we express our pain of what is missing, we are ready to define what we need and move on. At that point, we can throw the baby out with the bath water or filter out the bad and keep the good.

One's Midlife Crisis can become one's Midlife Opportunity.

*To My Daughters with Love, by Buck, Pearl S. (NY: The John Day Co.,1949), p. 79.

Gift-Giving

2009-12-15T13:39:00.006-05:00

This is the season of gifts - giving and receiving gifts that are fraught with expectations and disappointments.

So why do we go through this agony every year?

One reason may be to maintain good relations. The Bible quotes Jacob (Genesis 33:10) as saying to his brother, Esau, "I pray thee, if I have found favor in thine eyes, then take my present from my hand." Jacob wanted to avoid a war between brothers. He used his gift to change Esau's attitude from one of hostility towards one of brotherly love. His present was meant to repair prior damage to their relationship.

Giving gifts, however, may do more damage than harm. The Bible recounts the consequences of Jacob favoring his youngest son, Joseph, with a "coat of many colors." By rewarding one child and not others, Jacob exacerbated the rivalry between Joseph and his brothers when he openly favored him. Joseph became isolated and endangered, causing much misery to himself and his father before their eventual reunion.

A contemporary description of the perils of giving gifts is reported in today's Wall St. Journal, in The Gift That Needs Forgiving.
In this article, spouses - most of them wives - describe their disappointing experiences of receiving gifts that they deem inappropriate; that is, practical, mundane or just wrong (e.g., an extra-large robe for a small woman). The women remember these disappointments long past the time that their husbands would choose to forget them, if their wives would allow that to happen.

My question: Is a disappointing gift better than no gift at all?

Power of the Mind

2009-11-30T10:23:00.008-05:00

I faint at the sight of blood. At least I used to. I'm not sure anymore.

Blood phobia, like other phobias, is an extreme and irrational fear. In my case, I've been known to faint at the sight of blood (my own or someone else's).

I would fear blood tests, especially because many technicians had difficulty finding my veins and extracting the requisite amount of blood.

Last week I went for a long-postponed routine blood test. A tired-looking, middle-aged woman of foreign birth mumbled the room number I should enter. As I entered the room, I noticed the empty vials sitting on the counter with a metal chair beside it. The chair faced forward, so that when one was sitting in it one's arm would be contiguous to the counter. There was a padded bar that could be lowered in front. "Good," I thought. "At least I won't fall forward."

When the technician entered, I advised her that I faint at the sight of blood. She didn't seem phased by the announcement and wasn't concerned about my sitting upright in a chair. "Does she understand what I'm saying?" I wondered.

As I sat down, I prepared myself for the worst. The last time someone had taken blood at this facility I had indeed fainted and the technician was upset that I hadn't warned her. What would happen this time?

The woman on my left seemed business-like and without empathy. As she silently applied an elastic rubber tourniquet to my left arm, I looked at the book I had brought along, looked the other way, out the window... anywhere but at what she was doing. She touched the needle to my arm and I tried desperately to think about other things. Then she began asking me about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. "Do you celebrate the holiday?" she asked. "What are your plans?" Being naturally curious and wanting to be polite, I asked her in return if she celebrates Thanksgiving. She answered me briefly and then asked me some more questions.

When she was finished, I thanked the woman for talking to me during the procedure, which had passed without incident. She replied, "That's why I did it."

Language is no barrier between minds. This technician understood what I needed and "tricked" me into tolerating what I was unable to handle until this time. My first impression of her as lacking skill was based on factors that had nothing to do with her medical expertise; namely, her imperfect command of English, my previous negative experiences and my fear. My further condemnation of her as lacking empathy was based on her not responding to me in a fashion that I expected and deemed necessary. Her subsequent actions proved me wrong.

By distracting me, this kind and capable woman "tricked" me into concentrating on something other than the object of my phobia. As I answered her questions, the logical, verbal part of my mind became active, and the emotional, fearful side was silent. Although I knew what this woman was doing, the minimum effort required to answer her questions was sufficient to move me from a place of weakness to one of strength.

The past need not predict the future. With the proper guidance, one can change.

Thanksgiving Tips

2009-11-20T09:22:00.001-05:00

As families sit around the table, enjoying the delicious food, they have the opportunity to feel grateful for being surrounded by their loved ones.

Sounds ideal. More often than not, however, you will recall past hurts or feelings of neglect. Your emotional pain could then easily outweigh your enjoyment of being together again.

Therefore, here are some guidelines to help you make the holiday celebration a truly joyous one.

Strategies for Celebrations

Strategy #1 for all family celebrations is to “leave the past in the past.” Family get-togethers are the worst times to “clear the air.” Everybody’s already on edge; whether from the excitement of the day, the tension from hosting it or the effort to get there on time. Bringing up a remark or a telephone conversation from your last encounter is like adding fuel to the fire. So swallow your pride along with the food and keep mum.

Strategy #2 follows from #1. Do not carry a “hidden agenda.” Remember that family events are public gatherings. Discussions of a personal nature should take place only in private.

Strategy #3: Examine yourself in the mirror. Are you slipping into old patterns of behavior? Endeavor to respond in new ways to old triggers. This time, when your brother teases you, laugh along with him. Try to show your relatives the side of yourself that your business associates would recognize; your calm, professional manner works well in private, too.

Strategy #4: Similarly, examine your relatives in light of who they are, not who you’d wish them to be. They may be fatter, balder, greyer or less accomplished than 20-30 years ago. But so are you. Accepting others can help us accept ourselves.

Strategy #5: Look for the positive and communicate the positive. Although it may be difficult at first, concentrate on whatever’s going right and ignore or play down the problems. For example, make an effort to give compliments to as many people as you can, especially the host and hostess.

Strategy #6: If you have young children, strive to keep them busy and well-fed. That achievement alone would be immensely helpful to your extended family. Above all, don’t get involved in someone else’s crisis. Remember, your nieces and nephews are not your children and you do not need to discipline them. If the stress becomes overwhelming, take a break from the tumult and find refuge in another room.

Strategy #7: Prepare for this get-together as you would for a business meeting. Know the personalities that you’ll encounter, bring something interesting to the table discussion, and put your best foot forward. Hopefully, you’ll walk away with a stomach full of food and not bile.

Boy Soldier

2009-10-26T16:28:00.018-04:00

He marched down the corridor, head held high, with his own version of a soldier's helmet. A tub used for carrying around blocks was reincarnated as a red helmet with a plastic chin strap. How proud he looked as he marched in tempo to his own drum! This boy was out to win the war.

How do we feel when we see a child play soldier? We recoil as we think of the untold numbers of young boys killed on the battlefield.

As a result of our adult fears and experiences, we may try to steer our children into forms of play which we deem acceptable. "That tub is used for blocks, put it back;" or "I don't want to see you playing soldier again!" We project our feelings onto our children and, as a result, may limit the type or quantity of play in which they engage.

That is a mistake.

Play is crucial to children's development. As research at the University of Gloucestershire demonstrates, play "helps children to develop their range of responses to situations, experiences and relationships. By playing... children develop resilience and the ability to adapt."

When we limit our children's imaginary play we prevent them from exploring their full range of emotions. Indeed, the children's classic picture book and recent motion picture, Where the Wild Things Are, depicts some of the monsters that figuratively fill our children's brains. Should we censor these media because we - not our children - are afraid of them?

Similarly, when we limit the time given for spontaneous play because our children's days are filled with structured activities and technological bangs and whistles, we impinge on their ability to cope with common life stresses. Play gives them the opportunity of "being in and out of control." They become masters of their own universe in which they test out various strategies to conquer their enemies.

We as a society may have forgotten how to play. We have become so obsessed with external achievement, success, and recognition that we abandon the gems that can be found within. Children haven't yet lost that treasure. Don't bury it for them.

The Way She Walks

2009-10-21T10:41:00.014-04:00

Her shoulders catch my eye. Thrust back with the confidence of the young, they bridge a petite body which looks firm and healthy. Her white blouse reflects the bright sun while her chin-length brown hair swings rhythmically from side to side, mimicking the cadence of her walk. Her head is tilted back and she looks around as if eager to observe everything.

Oh, the assurance of youth! The lass struts along with the ease of nature, traversing cracks and uneven patches of sidewalk that would trip a more unbalanced soul.

I follow the youngster down the street where she lives, basking in the shadow of her enthusiasm. I know that once she leaves I will slow down to my usual pace and get lost in the myriad thoughts of my mind.

"How long will she maintain that stance?" I wonder. I recall the teenage girl I saw walking in the park the other day. Her dark hair covered her face as she bent forward, looking down at the path beneath her feet. Shoulders hunched, her half-filled backpack seemed too heavy for her to carry. When did it begin to weigh her down?

Research tells us that before age 11, girls embody their essential selves: They’re full of confidence, speak their minds, and flaunt their smarts. By the time they reach 15 or 16, however, they’ve submerged their own identity to please their parents, attract boys, and comply with the cultural expectations for females. They keep quiet in class, say “I don’t know” when they do, and choose English and a foreign language over math and sciences, the tougher courses.*

Pressure on girls stems from many source and leads to increasingly fragile self-esteem as they grow from childhood through adolescence to adulthood.

I watch the little girl in front of me enter her house and offer a silent prayer that she grow up in a world that will protect her and respect her individuality.

*Shapiro, Patricia Gottlieb. My Turn: Women’s Search for Self After the Children Leave. Princeton, NJ: Peterson’s, 1996.

Common Sense Ruling

2009-10-15T09:30:00.015-04:00

The other day I babysat for my infant granddaughter. I had heard of the EASY rule for infants: Eat, Activity, Sleep, Your (the mother's) Time, popularized by Tracy Hogg, in Secrets of The Baby Whisperer : How To Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby. It made sense so I tried it.

After checking that Mom had nursed and changed her, I played with the baby and when she became cranky bundled her up and rocked her to sleep. This method worked twice, although each time the baby slept for only short periods of time. I congratulated myself on doing such a wonderful job following the rule.

Then EASY was no longer so easy. The third time I tried putting the baby to sleep she just wouldn't relax and drift off like she did before. Her cries were persistent. This baby was clearly not ready for sleep. Her cries indicated she needed something else; only after being fed some more did she happily enter somnolence.

We love rules because they allow us to feel in control of an otherwise unpredictable, possibly threatening situation. School officials, for example, make rules for a particular school or for an entire school district. How well do their rules work?

A recent incident involving a 6-year-old boy illustrates the problem. As reported in The NY Times, this Cub Scout was so excited about his new foldable eating utensil containing a fork, spoon and knife that he brought it to school to use during lunch. However, his school had a zero tolerance policy for bringing weapons to school.

The child was suspended and ordered to spend 45 days in a disciplinary school.

He is currently being home-schooled by his mother while his parents challenge the ruling.

Ironically, "a third-grade girl was expelled for a year because her grandmother had sent a birthday cake to school, along with a knife to cut it. The teacher called the principal — but not before using the knife to cut and serve the cake."

Do we need more proof that some rules result in ludicrous, disproportionately negative consequences?

We need to protect our children from harm and unfortunately can no longer assume that our public schools are safe havens. Administrators, to shortcut their oversight over every student, set down certain rules for everyone. But, as a follow-up editorial states, “Use Common Sense" should be at the top of the list for the state.

Another rule, enacted into law by many states, is the controversial three strikes law. This law is meant to deal with repeat offenders. The unforeseen result is the incarceration of individuals convicted of crimes extremely divergent in severity who serve the same prolonged imprisonment.

Rules delude us into thinking we're in charge; we're omniscient and know what to expect; we can prevent mishaps.

It's a myth.

There is no rule book which will cover all situations for every child nor every adult. People are too complex to fit into neat categories.

Instead, we have to work harder and longer to decipher one another's needs and behavior and to set appropriate limits.

Specifically, we have to look and listen, to be vigilant for signals of distress, strong emotions or irrational behavior. Learning how to interpret these signals requires a commitment that few people are willing to make.

Building bridges is slow work. But a strong bridge of communication can withstand the test of time.

Wellness Step #4: Redefining Success

2009-10-14T16:32:00.009-04:00

Almost three weeks have passed since my first step into my current wellness program, but I am still at the beginning.

To be honest, I've had more failures than successes, if one counts the number of mornings that I've awakened at the time set by my (two) alarms. I've tried every trick my sleepy head could conjure to avoid getting up and out of bed: I've changed the time to 1/2 hour later; I've shut off the alarm while lying down, rationalizing that I need my sleep; I've justified my lack of follow-through by saying, "It's okay. I'm not perfect. I don't have to keep to such a rigid schedule."

I have learned in the past three weeks that most of us will fight with every ounce of physical and mental energy to maintain old habits and avoid change.

It's time to become more honest with myself. I hope to decide ahead of time whether I will adhere to my goal of awakening early the next morning or not; either way will be acceptable. If I choose the goal of awakening early to take time for myself, I will sit up in bed before shutting off the alarm and will not lay down again. If I choose to take the morning off, I will not set the alarm for an early time but rather the time necessary to meet my responsibilities to others. For some reason, the latter is not a problem.

Responsibility to others has always taken precedence for me. Growing up I was a late riser, as I mentioned in a previous blog, but once I had children or job requirements, I awoke as early as necessary. So how and why did I begin tackling this longstanding habit of mine?

The answer lies in the realization I reached some time ago that I am responsible for my own well-being. In order to reach the state of well-being, however, I needed to undertake wellness activities; namely, healthy eating, sleeping, exercise and rest. After much deliberation, along with years of denial, I finally began. Little by little, in fits and false starts, I approached life in a new way. Each day became an opportunity to do something new, something small.

I have learned to be more patient, to set the bar lower and allow myself more leeway. I still see the goal-post in front of me but I no longer dream of making a touchdown. I am content to make any progress that I can.

This process has indeed taken a long time; not one or two years, but more than a decade of slow, inconsistent yet incremental growth.

I'm a slow changer but that's okay. Every step has been an achievement and I no longer need to reach the end goal. Success is the ability to stay on the path.

Wellness Step #3: Action

2009-09-24T21:36:00.008-04:00

I was awakened by the radio this morning. I slowly opened my eyes and was about to shut it off as usual, turn over and go back to sleep. Suddenly I remembered: I have to sit up before turning it off. Okay. I'll try it.

Amazing! It really made a difference to change from a horizontal to vertical position. When I sat up my body naturally straightened, my feet landed on the floor and my eyes opened wide to look around. My mental set changed from night to day. The weather report entered my consciousness, not as a lullaby but as comprehensible information. After hearing enough, I turned off both the radio and buzzer without laying back down. I was up. My first successful awakening in years.

Part 1 of my plan worked. By changing my physical movement I changed the context of my awakening. I was not fighting off sleep while I lie on my pillow and listened to the radio. Without realizing it, I had already begun my morning routine by sitting up in bed before shutting off the radio alarm.

Part 2 of the plan was definitely helpful. I didn't need to report to anyone in particular; unexpectedly, the knowledge that I'd be blogging about my success or failure - that I was publicly accountable - drove me to succeed with my plan.

We tend to keep our goals private. We strive to change our behaviors, e.g., eating and sleep habits, drinking, smoking, exercise or general lifestyle behaviors without telling anyone. Yet, the most successful changers are the ones who do share their goals and their successes/setbacks with others. Opening up to the world impels one to take on the challenge because we don't want to disappoint other people. Like the children we once were, we avoid shame and seek approval.

Lastly, I went to sleep earlier last night than in previous nights, although it was not easy to call it quits. Doing so meant that I had stopped questioning the importance of my goal but took it seriously. I truly wanted to succeed. I accepted responsibility for my own welfare.

Tomorrow is another day. I wonder how it will begin.

Wellness Step #2: Analyzing Failure

2009-09-23T15:21:00.008-04:00

As the title implies, my resolve to wake up on time this morning did not succeed in pushing me out of bed. Although I neither snoozed the alarm nor shut it off, I slept right through the radio blaring in my ear!

Rather than give up, I will take Step #2 towards my wellness goal: I will confront this temporary setback and analyze what needs to be changed. I've been through this before. I remember the frustration and disappointment when my first experiment in graduate school failed; I had to start all over again. That happened several times before I had enough data to warrant going further towards my doctoral research.

More personally, how many times did I try to stop biting my nails before I finally succeeded?

Physical habits are indeed hard to modify, especially when the results are not immediately evident.

So let's examine the flaws in my plan:

1. The alarm did not arouse me. Truthfully, I enjoy listening to the traffic and weather in the morning to get a sense of what lay ahead. This enjoyment enhances rather than diminishes a sense of relaxation and somnolence.

2. The incentive was insufficient to impact on my behavior. I forgot about the sugar topping to my cereal as I lay in bed; it had no meaning for me. The incentive will need to be directly tied my behavior.

3. I did not set the stage for success. I went to sleep close to midnight last night thereby stacking the cards against my awakening early the next morning. If I want to succeed I have to prepare for optimal functioning.

Modified plan:

1. I will set a buzzer alarm to follow the radio. If I shut off the radio and don't arise the unpleasant noise of the buzzer will do the job. I will uncover myself and sit up before closing either the radio or buzzer and will not lay down again.

2. I will attach a social consequence to my success by telling my spouse or friend whenever I wake up early or on time.

3. I will go to sleep early the night before so that I am not too exhausted to wake up the next morning. My need for sleep has increased over the years and accepting this aspect of aging is necessary for my success.

Patience and fortitude are what I need. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Wellness Step #1: Resolution

2009-09-22T15:21:00.017-04:00

I woke up hungry this morning and looked forward to breakfast. I thought about a topping I could add to my cereal, one that might add sugar and calories but would be enjoyable and a change from the usual.

At the same time, I was feeling frustrated. Once again I had overslept. I had awakened before the alarm but, rather than get out of bed, I waited for the alarm. Then, when the alarm rang, I snoozed it and promptly fell back to sleep!

This is my battle. I have thought about this battle for a long time and have moved through Prochaska's stages of change until I reached this point.

I now recognize that when I have a responsibility to others I wake up and arise without a problem; I am rarely late for appointments. But I ignore the clock when the responsibility is only to me. I forego my desire to practice what I preach - to take time for myself first thing in the morning - and close that precious window.

I've always been a "night person" which means that growing up I stayed up and rose late the next morning whenever possible. It's been a challenge to overcome these adolescent habits when I am the only one to suffer from them.

Suddenly, I thought of a way to hold myself accountable: I would use my breakfast as an incentive! No, I wouldn't sacrifice my nutrition but I would use the topping that I enjoyed so much as a simple yet clear reward for my awakening before or when the alarm rang: If I snooze the alarm or sleep, I suffer the consequence!

I know at first glance this matter seems trivial. Yet it is a template for many other battles that women fight to prioritize our wellness, empower ourselves to accept the challenge and equip ourselves with the tools to succeed.

This is Day #1 of my new wellness program, the date of my resolution to change. Tomorrow will be Day #1 for getting up on time.

Question: What do you want to change? What will help you move closer to your goal?

Lost Opportunity

2009-09-17T17:09:00.010-04:00

As soon as I sneezed, I knew something was wrong. Looking at the droplets on my palm, I recalled today's NY Times article with chagrin. It recommends you cough or sneeze into the crook of your elbow, not your bare hands to prevent the transmission of viral disease.

This was yet another instance where habit overcame knowledge.

How many times have I struggled to change a habit, only to find that I slipped into it without thinking? How many times have I thought, "I know I shouldn't be doing this," and then do it anyway?

It took years - not days/weeks/months - to change physical habits such as biting my nails and it's taken me even longer to change my attitude and behaviors.

Along the way, I've developed forgiveness for myself and compassion for others. We are only human, as the saying goes, and therefore apt to make mistakes and repeat them despite their negative consequences.

But human also means changeable, which gives us much hope. Nothing is permanent, not even viruses.

It's time to wash my hands and try again.

Therapy in Modern Times

2009-09-14T13:40:00.004-04:00

Have you every thought of entering therapy? If not, you're behind the times.

Therapy used to be the property of the rich and famous, e.g. Woody Allen's decade long psychoanalysis. Freud remains undeniably the best-known practitioner of therapy, with images of the silent male therapist sitting behind the patient, as she lay on the couch confiding her dreams and free associations.

There have been major changes since the days of Freud and his students. More people participate in therapy for shorter periods of time, even for single sessions; research into the effectiveness of various types of therapy has debunked old myths about the origins of emotional problems; and therapists and their work have become open to scrutiny and higher standards of accountability.

No longer will you be asked to attend therapy for an indeterminate period of time, several times a week, and "trust" the therapist to "know what's best" for you. This paternal attitude has, thank g-d, passed away with Freud.

But this leaves greater responsibility on you to determine what works and what doesn't.

Therapy has become the modus vivendi for the American public. One columnist - Bob Herbert of the NY Times - even recommends therapy for the entire government!

Therapy cannot solve all of our problems. For the individual seeking growth and change, however, it can be a good start.

Book for Cat Lovers

2009-09-09T15:15:00.004-04:00

Dewey: A Small-Town Library Cat Who Changed the World, by Vicki Myron is a book that book- and cat-lovers alike will enjoy.

The pace of the book is slow and relaxed; its simple descriptions set the context for meaningful and thought-provoking narration by Dewey's owner.

When you want to curl up at night and prepare for sleep, do so with this book in hand. Your blood pressure and anxiety levels will take a nose-dive as you view your life from a feline perspective.

Are You Ready for School?

2009-09-08T10:26:00.007-04:00

There's no question about it. I was as nervous as my children at the beginning of each school year. The beginning of September brought pre-school jitters - maybe on par with my preschoolers - mixed with both sadness and relief that the summer was over. I was awash with emotions.

My usual defense against this emotional onslaught was to go full swing into preparation and control. I made lists, schedules, daily and weekly objectives. I tried to think of everything, and I mean every little thing, that my children might need for the coming school year. If there was a sale for school supplies, I was there.

My children were as eager as I to prepare for school. Our mutual excitement hid our nervousness about the unknown that lay ahead: "Who will I know in the class? Who will the teacher be? How hard will be the work? Can I measure up? Will I make a fool of myself the first day?" I thought about these questions as much as did my children!

So I prepared further. Besides buying everything that my children did and did not need, I made the house ready for school. First, we put away the summer supplies, clothes and accessories and organized those for school; then, we bought snacks and drinks for the first few weeks and put them on a special shelf. Second, I began to wean my children off their summer time frame and put them to bed earlier. This change was not easy; although the days in any case were getting shorter many of their friends still stayed up late at night and woke up late in the morning. This change also meant I had to awaken earlier in the morning. Who wants to give up summer fun?

But I tried to stick to my preparations. I thought of this time as too important to ignore. I even tried to wake up before my children so that I could get my head together and be ready for whatever mood and behavior I might encounter.

As I look back, I remember the many days when despite my best intentions the evening or morning was tense and one or more children ended up in tears. But I tried my best. I wanted to succeed as much as did my children. We were in this together.

Stuck on Words

2009-09-01T09:49:00.013-04:00

The Chairman of the National Republican Committee, Michael Steele, was recently interviewed by NPR reporter, Steve Inskeep. And they got stuck on words.

The Chairman was the first to attack: "You're doing a wonderful little dance here and trying to be cute," he stated. Inskeep entered the fray by replying, " I respect that you feel that I'm doing a dance here," and counterattacked, "You are giving me a very nice, nuanced position here." The Chairman then became defensive.

Their first dance finally ended when Inskeep recognized it as leading them into a wall and said, "Maybe we're getting hung up on the word 'nuanced;' maybe I should say, 'complicated.'"

But Inskeep, rather than end the performance, started anew. He attacked Steele again by asking, "Do you find it challenging to get into this complicated debate and explain things to people in a way that it's honest to the facts and still very clear and doesn't kind of scare people with sound bites?"

Steele parried, "Look, no one's trying to scare people with sound bites."

These two intelligent men were arguing in public in front of a national audience. They attacked and defended their positions as if they were two children in the playground.

How many of us get hung up on words?

How many of our arguments deteriorate into Who Said What?, a personal version of Abbott and Costello's heated comical debate, Who's on First?

Getting beyond individual words and recognizing the quicksand into which we've fallen takes courage. One person needs to take a deep breath, step back and pull the other out of the pit of recrimination.

The ability to stop, look and listen ensures the safety of adults in conversation as much as children crossing the street. It is the strength we seek when involved in a relationship.

Think of your conversations as public and you will avoid being the laughingstock of your own conscience.

What Makes a Good Parent?

2009-08-19T13:17:00.018-04:00

A friend of mine who teaches swimming invited me to her pool this summer. I asked her to observe me swim and suggest ways to improve my strokes. She watched for awhile and tried hard to correct my technique. It didn't work. I'd swim briefly the new way and then revert to my habitual style.

Driving is another important life skill. I learned to drive the usual way; I memorized the driver's manual, passed the written test and received a permit to drive. The information I gained served a very limited purpose; it enabled me to get on the road but it did not teach me how to drive. In fact, research has shown that Driver's Education courses do not lower the rate of accidents for young drivers. What does improve safety, experts say, is experience -many hours of behind-the-wheel practice with a parent in the passenger seat.

Ironically, one becomes a parent without supervised practice, a requisite body of knowledge or a license. The experience of parenting does help - the third child is often easier to parent than the first - but how many of us know what we’re doing?

Unlike the beginning swimmer or driver, we jump into parenting armed only with our childhood memories.

A few adults grew up with excellent role models and assume the parenting role with confidence. But the majority of us need supplemental education and support to improve our parenting skills. Unfortunately, to return to the swimming analogy, we're often immersed so deeply in the pool of life that we're using all our energies to stay afloat.

The sooner we recognize the weaknesses of our approach the more successful we'll be in correcting them. Thus we need to 1) take responsibility for our continuing education and 2) recognize that the goal is not perfection but growth.

Learning is a lifelong endeavor; so is parenting.

A good parent is a parent in motion; one who enjoys the moment yet recognizes that the future is right around the bend and she needs to prepare for it. Understanding the road signs will help prevent one from steering off the road completely. But every parent like every driver makes mistakes, especially if the road is winding or steep. Mistakes are the sine qua non of learning.

Good parenting depends on constant movement up a slope whose angle reflects the degree to which one seeks information, tries it out, and learns what works and what doesn't.Too many parents choose to remain on level ground; they maintain ways of parenting that are inappropriate or even harmful to their children.

It is never too late to start moving; the earlier the better.

You can choose to become an active learner rather than passive carrier of your upbringing, to forge a new path rather than trudge along the one you’ve known all your life.

Then you will end your parenting years looking down at what you’ve accomplished rather than up at what you could have done.

Inside the ADHD Mind

2009-08-10T10:01:00.008-04:00

"I wish that I could step into his shoes for a few minutes," the young mother said to me. "I would like to understand what it's like to be so impulsive and act so rashly sometimes. And then to feel the relief when it's over."

Many people wonder what it's like to have ADHD. For many years this neurological disorder was a malady with no name. Parents punished their problematic children and employers fired their irresponsible employees. Only recently have we begun to identify, treat and understand Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD or AD/HD).

Picture a train speeding down the tracks. It usually slows down at curves, stops at junctions, and proceeds cautiously through train stations.

Now picture a train with a faulty speedometer. Eighty mph is shown as 40 and 100 mph is 50. The engineer doesn't know he's traveling too fast and therefore misses the warning signs and doesn't hear the blast from the other train. He's as shocked as everyone else when his train jumps the curve or crashes into another train!

The engineer is mortified. He doesn't know that his instruments are faulty. He thought he was going a great job before he got into this accident. Yet everyone is blaming him and saying that he's a "bad" person for causing so much damage and harm.

This is a person that suffers from AD/HD.

The child or adult with AD/HD is not to blame for his lack of concentration and/or impulsive behavior. The internal mechanisms that govern his behavior were delivered this way from the "factory." And since there is no "return service," we have to do the best we can to modify the system, enabling one part of the machinery to compensate for another.

The engineer, with a newly modified and updated machine at his disposal, can become the best in his region. He can rise to the top of his profession and eventually teach others how to improve their trains as well.

Bedtime problems?

2009-08-07T10:25:00.000-04:00

One of the most frequent referral problems is bedtime.

"My child keeps calling out, coming out of bed, has a hard time falling asleep, can't get up in the morning, is scared to go to bed," goes the litany of woes.

Most mothers are so tired by nighttime that they have little patience for their children's manipulations. They may follow their nightly routines, including time alone with each child, and still the music doesn't end until - hours later - they're ready to collapse.

There might have been threats, yelling and spanking in-between.

It's a song that we don't want to hear. But how do we change the music?

First of all, have you ever noticed that an orchestra, before beginning to play a concert, plays a few notes together? One musician plays a note and the rest follow, tuning their instruments to match the first.

Similarly, one family member often sets the tone for everyone at night. For example, if one child throws a tantrum the others may become whiny. If the children are in a good mood then their parent is happy and vice-versa, if the parent is upbeat then the children are more likely to behave.

The goal is for the parent to "lead the orchestra" through skillful conducting, looking out for members who need individual attention and keeping everyone on the same page. The conductor prompts one section of the orchestra, makes sure another one doesn't dominate, and coaxes those who lag behind. Through consistency, practice and tolerance for mistakes, the parent-conductor can lead the orchestra-family through the entire evening performance.

Bedtime is the coda for the evening. If we want our children to ease peacefully into sleep we need to ensure that the first three movements are performed well. The staccato section should not be at the end but rather in the middle, bordered on either side by legato. There is a time to jump around and a time to relax.

And the conductor, not the musicians, determines when the concert will end. There are no encores.

When Do You Need Help?

2009-08-06T09:35:00.007-04:00

Her pain emanated from her face. Sitting forward in her seat, tense and unsmiling, she recounted her childhood to me: Parents in frequent battle, coming home to an empty house and being molested by a neighbor.

Now she battles anxiety and depression.

This is a fictional account that mimics the many stories that I hear in my practice. It typifies either the human tragedy or the human triumph, according to our ability to overcome adversity and move on.

My parents' generation, for example, overcame the worst debacle that can happen to a person - the destruction of their homes, families and society at the hand of the Nazis - to raise a new generation.

Many of us, through determination and hard work, similarly transcend our histories.

But we pay a price. The outside world doesn't see the wounds; there are no external scars to elicit sympathy. So when we break down and cry they admonish us and say, "What's wrong with you?"

We don't know. Often the wounds are so deep and so painful that it takes much sympathetic treatment to help us feel safe enough to explore the site.

So we carry on. We push aside the feelings until one day, maybe after the birth of another child, the move to another city, the death of a parent or loved one, we suddenly find ourselves no longer able to go on.

The burden has become to heavy to bear.

If you have suffered in the past and/or suffering now, don't wait for a crisis to repair the emotional damage. Trust your feelings. They are there for a reason. When they signal unhappiness, fear, confusion or despair seek the support and help you need. You deserve to live.

Learning to be sad

2009-07-29T09:07:00.006-04:00

"I was such a happy child," the young woman told me. "But then, around the age of 12 or so, I realized that no one took me seriously."

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"When I listened to my mother and her friends I heard them say 'oy' all the time and I found that when I did the same they looked at me as grown up."

"You mean you learned to complain?"

"Yes," she responded. "I learned how to be sad."

Young girls are carefree, confident and self-assured. They're quick to voice their opinions and to take risks. Around the age of 11-12 years, however, when they enter middle school, they often begin to lose this self-confidence. They may withdraw, participate less in class and experience social problems.

The girls begin to lose a sense of themselves.

Researchers have documented this loss of self-esteem and concomitant risk for developing psychological problems in girls. The journey into adolescence goes downhill, as girls begin to sacrifice their strengths for peer acceptance and adult approval.

In the worst-case scenario - which happens all too often - preadolescent and adolescent girls use harmful mechanisms to hide and ultimately deny their troubling thoughts and feelings. Some common ones are eating disorders, acting out behaviors and self-mutilation.

Our girls are suffering to please us.

Furthermore, even those girls who do not exhibit serious psychological problems may step back out of fear of the social repercussions of speaking their minds or acting on their wishes. By the time they reach adulthood, these young women may express their feelings through psychosomatic symptoms. They say they "don't feel well" or complain of inexplicable fatigue.

We are sacrificing our most capable children for the sake of our own standing in the community. Can we allow this to continue?

What can we do?

If problems already exist in the family, then it's important to act quickly and seek professional guidance.

If your daughter is still young, then you have the exquisite opportunity to cherish her and build her strengths as you see them and according to your values. Teach her how to think not what to think; how to ask questions not how to memorize the answers; and how to speak up in a timely and appropriate manner, not swallow bitter feelings that will eat her up inside.

Young saplings need to be staked and protected in order to grow straight. But we don't want to weaken their trunks or destroy their roots. Be careful how you handle them. We want them to bend in the wind, not break.

Wanted: Fathers

2009-07-27T20:32:00.008-04:00

OK, Dads. Admit it. You have a short attention span, somewhere between "Hello, dear" and the end of the 15-second commercial break.

So how can we grab your attention? How can we get across to you that you're needed, wanted and time's a wasting?

From Day 1, children benefit from their fathers' participation in their care. Babies whose fathers play with them, talk to them, feed and soothe them have more advanced motor and problem-solving skills by the end of their first year.

By the time they've reached toddler-hood, children with involved fathers have more secure attachments and are friendlier and more outgoing.

There are notable benefits in particular to sons and daughters. Boys who receive paternal approval and love become more confident in their own masculinity and thus more secure men. They have more confidence and see themselves as winners. They'll be more inclined to take risks, having grown up with a core belief in themselves. (For more benefits, see my blog of 1/14/09 entitled "Why Sons Need Their Fathers.")

Girls, in contrast, experience fathers as a template for their future boyfriends and spouses. Is her father kind, supportive and encouraging? Then she'll look for the same qualities in her intimate partner. Is he cold, distant and aloof; or worse, condescending and abusive? We dread thinking that one's daughter would be attracted to this type of man. But it can and does happen.

So Dad. This is one job you cannot delegate. Your paternal responsibilities began in the delivery room. And, of everything that you give your child, the most important is Y-O-U; your time, your listening ear, your presence.

To achieve your parenting goals, Dad, you need to develop a plan with measurable outcomes and frequent monitoring. You'll need superior time management and organizational skills; i.e., everything a top notch corporation like your family desires and deserves.

This investment will yield high dividends, Dad. You will be a happier man, one who is physically healthier and leading a more fulfilling life.

What better definition of success is there?

The Female Bite

2009-07-20T09:36:00.010-04:00

Summer's a great time for evening walks, except for one problem - mosquitoes. Many couples like to walk at night. They'll be walking along, enjoying the cool air, when zap! One or both of them gets bitten.

Mosquitoes don't discriminate between genders. I don't know how they choose their targets. But the mosquitoes that bite are the females. The females literally suck blood to get the nutrients they need to develop fertile eggs.

So I started thinking...

After giving birth, women continue to need nutrients to feed our young. We require emotional as well as physical "food" to raise healthy children. Where do we get those nutrients? Is it possible that we depend on others the way these female mosquitoes depend on us?

Many of us grew up in the Cinderella era, during which time we were taught to find husbands so that they will "take care of Daddy's little girl." No matter how educated we became, some part of us wanted to remain that little girl who can rely on a man to take care of her.

So we may say to our children, "Just wait until your father comes home!" when we've run out of energy to discipline them. We'll greet our spouses with a litany of complaints and expectations when they walk in the door. If they don't deliver, we zap them. And watch out! A female on the warpath leaves great big welts.

It's easy to fall into the mosquito pattern, to bite the ones we love.

There are other, healthier means of satisfying our emotional needs. Women have an enormous capacity to connect with others. Realistically speaking, our men cannot fulfill our relationship needs. Depending on them to do so results in tension and increasingly distant relationships. The more we complain, the more we cry, the more we display our hysterical feathers, the greater distance our men will run. Bites hurt. The men will withdraw to a safe place and will reach for the best repellent they can find, possibly in the form of an addiction or a more appealing female.

We don't want our homes to become stagnant bodies of water that attract mosquitoes and nothing else. We need to keep moving and growing, so that the waters are constantly refreshed.

We can do better than we're doing now. We can work on our relationship skills and use honey rather than repellent to encourage change. We can learn from others - even from animal trainers - how to improve our marriages.

In addition to satisfying personal relationships, we must develop clear priorities. Sarah Palin, former vice-presidential candidate, recently resigned from her post as Governor of Alaska. Some commentators view her decision as a sign of being a quitter, of her lacking "focus or discipline." Governor Palin, it seems, had too much on her plate.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor, now being considered for the US Supreme Court, is another highly visible example of the difficulties a woman faces who tries to be the best at everything. Her first marriage broke up after two years and, as she states, "I cannot attribute that divorce to work, but certainly the fact that I was leaving my home at 7 and getting back at 10 o’clock was not of assistance in recognizing the problems developing in my marriage.”

Judge Sotomayor's second marriage lasted eight years.

It takes much work to maintain a relationship. That work multiplies when we have children, spouses and elderly parents as part of our families. We can't do everything all the time and to the same degree. We need to choose.

And we alone are responsible for our life choices.

Women have enormous responsibilities, matched only by our capabilities. When we accept the former we can begin to develop the latter.

It's never too late to start anew.

Sotomayor as Expert

2009-07-15T10:43:00.007-04:00

Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearings for the US Supreme Court has been more than a show, as some people claim. It's also been instructive to hear a woman describe in an honest and forthright manner the distinct capacity that a person brings to the bench. She emphasizes that a person is the sum of his or her personality and experiences; to deny that fact could result in the opposite of what we intend - i.e., a judgment based on political or personal prejudices.

To be helpful to others, one must first look at oneself.

I was in therapy many years ago, as I'm sure have been the majority of my colleagues. We enter therapy to more fully understand ourselves and to work out any impediments in our personal and professional lives. Hopefully, we continue to examine ourselves throughout our years in practice.

In psychology as well as law our values are part and parcel of our vision. Psychological theory and technique may comprise the foundation of our work, but our personal experience transforms that theory into practice.

Therefore, it's important that you, the client, agree with your therapist's values. Do not assume that what the therapist says will work for you. The trap is to view the "expert" as someone other than yourself. Therapists can help clear the way to effective living but how you live will be your choice.

Warning Signs: Ignore at Your Peril

2009-07-09T17:45:00.009-04:00

We're experienced hikers. We research trails before setting out, pack sufficient food and water, and try to set out early in the day. We usually listen to the weather report as well. We're very knowledgeable, right?

Knowledge doesn't help unless it leads to action.

That's what I learned on our last hike.

We set out a little later than usual because we had not prepared our packs the night before. No worry. We were going to a trail that was close by. The sun was shining and, although somewhat humid and thunderstorms were predicted later in the day, we had full confidence in our ability to beat the odds and return home well before the storm.

We reached the summit in good time and relaxed at the top, enjoying the 360 degree view. It was fairly hazy in the distance and we promised ourselves to return on a clear autumn day. Then we started the downhill trek.

We walked along, feeling good about our achievement, unworried that we had somehow taken a different trail than the one by which we had ascended. This one was more difficult and involved scrambling down the rocks instead of circumventing them. It was rough going and I was getting anxious: I heard thunder in the distance.

"Let's get down any which way," I exclaimed. "Hurry, before the storm hits!"

We managed to reach the bottom and found the correct trail once again. By this time the clouds had overtaken the sun, the sound of thunder was growing and the wind had picked up. We picked up our pace, trying to keep ourselves from slipping on the loose rock.

It didn't help. We got soaked. Despite the weather report, we had left our slickers behind. We also did not have any emergency first aid, which worried me more.

Suddenly, the lightning flashed so close by and thunder clapped so loudly that I screamed. I put my hands to my ears and trudged forward, not daring to think of the danger of trees falling in the storm. All I could do was focus on the trail and pray that we'd reach the end without any mishap.

We did so, fully drenched and feeling ashamed that we had ignored all the resources at our disposal: the weather report, guidelines for hikers and our own common sense.

Why does one ignore the warning signs, deny the evidence and assume that all will be well? Why do we keep going and pretend that we'll somehow escape the consequences of our own irrational behaviors?

Denial is a powerful mechanism. It protects us from the shock of tragedy. But when it's used to avoid reality it can be deadly.

Don't get caught in the storm. Examine your life and determine if you're on the right path. It's so easy to get lost.

What is your legacy?

2009-07-02T16:44:00.001-04:00

There's a poster of my door that gives one pause. It states

A hundred years from now, it will not matter what your bank account balance was, the sort of house you lived in, or the kind of car you drove, but the world may be different because you were important in the life of a child.

What do you want to be remembered for?

Some people ask themselves this question too late. Bernie Madoff, who swindled millions of dollars from his victims, belatedly realizes that ""I have left a legacy of shame -- as some of my victims have pointed out -- to my children and grandchildren."

Most of us are not criminal in thought or deed, but are we actively using our talents to accomplish something meaningful with our lives? Or are we living on the outskirts of infinity, accumulating temporary pleasures and goods that will not endure beyond the grave?

Enjoyment of this world has its place. But it is not permanent.

Taking Time Out

2009-06-29T20:37:00.007-04:00

I've taken time off these past two weeks to take care of grandchildren. And I plan a mini-vacation next week. This time out from my work leads me to ask, "Why do Americans work so hard, both at work and play?"

Our work ethic seems immune to economic factors. Even when the economy is good we work long hours, reasoning that we need to do so to advance in our careers and/or make more money. Lawyers are a good example. As associates in law firms they work 70+ hours per week, striving to become partners. However, once they become partners, they may work even longer hours to meet client deadlines!

Lawyers are not the only ones who work such long hours. Especially during these difficult economic times people are nervous about keeping their jobs and will work as long as necessary to satisfy their bosses.

The result is an unending cycle of work and worry.

It is only when we take time out that we realize what's truly important to us.

Time out from work, mentally as well as physically, enables us to renew our ties with our families and friends. In the process we restore a healthy balance to our lives. The result is a feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Then we can return to work with the ability to give it our best. That's true success.

Unseen Whales

2009-06-14T16:14:00.001-04:00

The children were part of a group visiting Antarctica. A writer and marine biologist were on board the boat with them. Suddenly, someone cried out, "Look! There must be a 30 whales out there!" The biologist, writer and others ran to see the phenomenon, one that none had ever witnessed before.

Except for the boys with the gameboys. They were too engrossed to stop and look out the window.

How sad that many children are so hooked into the artificial world that they've forgotten the thrill of natural wonder. Unlike previous generations, they're not roaming the neighborhood in search of adventure or using their imagination to soar to unseen places and live fantasy lives. Peter Pan has become an anachronism for much of today's youth.

Some children, who for various reasons are psychologically vulnerable, become totally dependent on external rather than internal sources of fulfillment. They no longer gain satisfaction from academic achievement or social success. Eventually they may become so maladjusted that they need an Outward Bound adventure to bring them back to health. Deprived of everything but their most basic needs, they learn to fend for themselves and thereby appreciate their own strengths and resources.

Parents who rush to give their children "every opportunity" and the newest technological antidote to boredom may in fact be depriving their children of their greatest resource; namely, their brains.

For no matter how interactive the game nor how exciting the computer program, there is no substitute for real-time interaction with the ups and downs of reality.

Falling Asleep

2009-06-11T14:51:00.004-04:00

Soon after the first speaker at graduation began his speech, the father of the valedictorian closed his eyes and fell soundly asleep. It was not surprising; he was reportedly able to doze off in any venue. Once he even tried a device to wear around his neck so that if he fell asleep at the wheel an alarm would sound and he'd avoid driving the car off the road or into another vehicle.

He suffered from undiagnosed sleep apnea.

Tuesday's Wall Street Journal described some of the causes of sleep deprivation and strategies to remedy them.

The first step of course is to recognize the symptoms: Poor concentration, daytime fatigue and drowsiness, irritability and unexplained appetite.

For example, like children who complain of hunger at bedtime, many adults feel hungry at 11 pm when instead they are tired and in need of sleep. The next morning they resort to caffeine to prop themselves up during the day. This habit exacerbates their twin problems of falling asleep and staying asleep throughout the night.

The further we get from our natural body rhythms the more likely we are to adopt unhealthy life styles.

It's noteworthy that as infants we cried as a means of expressing our discomfort. We expected our mothers to understand what we needed - food, clean clothes, comforting or simply being put to bed. A happy baby was one whose mother met those needs and did not confuse them.

Similarly, we are most content when we are able to differentiate among our various emotional and physical needs and not try to satisfy one at the cost of another. Then and only then will we be able to live life to its fullest.

Teens See Parental Hypocrisy

2009-06-09T16:00:00.010-04:00

Sherry Turkle, a psychologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, studied texting among teenagers in the Boston area. As described in the NY Times, "Teens feel they are being punished for behavior in which their parents indulge,” she said.

Parents berate their teenagers for texting at all hours of the day and night. Yet how often do we multitask in front of them? We forget that children learn what they live when we talk on the cellphone while driving our children to their various activities.

Furthermore, as Dr. Turkle points out, teens - like all our children - want our undivided attention. Teenagers text an average of 3,500 messages a week, but "when they walk out of their ballet lesson, they’re upset to see their dad in the car on the BlackBerry. The fantasy of every adolescent is that the parent is there, waiting, expectant, completely there for them.”

So be careful not to ask your children to fight an addiction of which you are a victim, too. If you want to develop a relationship with them, do the unthinkable and at crucial times of the day shut off your cellphone, computer and blackberry. Use Caller ID to screen your telephone calls and let your answering machine pick up any but the most essential.

But “my teen doesn’t talk to me!” you exclaim. True, your child may not say anything in the moment and you are not required to maintain a boring silence. There’s a difference, however, between being engrossed in a conversation with another person and listening to a CD or radio station that can be easily shut off.

Your teen, unlike your toddler, may have the self-control to refrain from interrupting you. But that doesn’t mean your older child feels any less frustrated than your younger one at being ignored.

Remember: Your teen is your baby. Don’t waste the few years left that your child is still living at home. Be available. Let your child know that - within reasonable limits - you’re happy to be on call.

Stuck in Traffic

2009-06-01T20:52:00.016-04:00

Have you ever felt totally frustrated, blocked and upset? On Sunday afternoon I was stuck in traffic on my way into NY City. Major bridges, tunnels and highways were all laden with cars and I was in the middle. I had no way out. My only recourse was patience. It was not an easy task because I was not alone. I had my young grandchildren and my elderly mother with me and I felt highly responsible for their well-being.

That's how life seems at times. We get caught in situations that are beyond our control. We feel totally helpless and uncertain as to what - if any - steps we can take. It's easy to panic, to feel like fighting or fleeing when neither is possible.

I've experienced several such situations in my life. A traffic jam is a minor annoyance in comparison. And each time, after my initial shock and panic, I've asked myself, "How do I want to be in this situation?"

It's not an easy question to answer.

In essence, we do not determine much of what happens to us. Life at times seems to be ruled by the same chaos theory that underlies traffic jams.

So how should we react to chaos? Will we be caught up in it or, like the eye of the storm, find peace and quiet within?

While we are not in charge of life, we are in charge of ourselves. We can decide how to react in any situation, even the most horrific ones, G-d forbid. As Victor Frankl notes in Man's Search for Meaning, "Everything can be taken from a man but ...the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

There were a few moments on Sunday when I lost emotional control. I was driving down yet another ramp to another highway and found it jammed. I banged my hands on the steering wheel and practically cried aloud. My young granddaughter started crying. Until that point in time she was dealing quite well with the long extended journey.

Seeing what happens when I fall apart, I quickly recouped and started singing. We stopped at the next gas station, visited the rest rooms and bought the children a snack.

After many hours we reached our destination. Eventually we all do. It's how we get there that counts.

Leadership

2009-05-25T09:59:00.008-04:00

When I ask children to complete the sentence "Grown-ups are lucky because..." they invariably respond that grown-ups can "do what they want." A book such as The Unforgiving Minute tells us otherwise.

The Unforgiving Minute, by Craig Mullaney (NY: Penguin Press, 2009) details the grueling regimen that West Point cadets must follow in order to graduate. His post-B.A. graduate education at Ranger School is even worse.

What's most interesting to me is what Mullaney learns about his instructors.

They suffer as much as their students.

True leaders cannot do what they want; they know that they are responsible for others. As Mullaney writes (p. 58),

I had always thought my leaders had it easier than me. Being a leader changed my mind. General Eisenhower used to describe leadership as a piece of string. Push it, he would tell a young officer, and the string would bunch up in failure. Instead, he said, you had to pull. There is a chain of command, but there is also a chain of influence. To really get my squad to do anything, yelling was counterproductive. They might return to practicing knots, but as soon as I turned away, they would stop. Instead, I had to lead by example.

We can learn an important lesson about respect and authority from those whose lives depend on it.

Responsibility II

2009-05-22T12:31:00.003-04:00

A recent article in Child Development (Vol. 80, Issue 1, How Adolescents Come to See Themselves as More Responsible through Participation in Youth Programs) highlights the importance of work for developing a sense of responsibility in our youth.

The researchers surveyed over 100 high school-age teens about their summer experiences. Those teens who participated in programs that asked them to carry out demanding tasks and held them accountable for their work were most successful in learning responsibility.

It mattered not what skills were learned. Rather,

programs in which young people are called to perform tasks that were boring, difficult, or obligatory were most likely to develop characteristics like responsibility and self-descipline.

We can expect far more from our teens than society would have us believe. They are truly young adults and capable of participating in the adult world. Hand-in-hand with privileges go responsibilities. You'll be surprised at the results.

Teaching Responsibility

2009-05-20T10:16:00.009-04:00

"How can I get my teenager to help around the house? He doesn't even clean his room, let alone pick up his dirty towels and clothes after taking a shower!"

There's an old Jewish tale of a parent who asked the Rabbi at the time of his child's birth when he should begin teaching his child the proper values. The Rabbi responded, "You're nine months late."

Meaning, it's never to early to begin.

I recently watched a two-year-old take his paper bowl to the sink, spill the milk and throw it in the garbage! I was flabbergasted that such a little child would a) want to do this job and b) be able to follow the steps. But he was a) thrilled and b) felt so proud of himself!

These are the two aspects of teaching responsibility: a) catching the moment when a child looks at a responsibility as something new and exciting to try; and b) using responsibility as a means of becoming competent in an adult-like task.

I think back to when I started including my children in household tasks. One time stands out in my mind: When my child complained that she was bored. She must have been about 8-years-old. I thought to myself at that time, "OK. She's ready to help." And she enjoyed doing so! From then on, she was a part of the family team to a greater or lesser degree.

As we see then, one can begin anywhere from two or three to eight-years-old, and the earlier the better. One always has to consider the child's developmental rather than chronological age, by asking yourself, "What is my child ready for?"

By the time a child becomes a teen, responsibility can be an inherent part of their daily routine.

However, don't despair. It's never too late. But at this age, the teen years, one will necessarily need a different strategy to enlist your child's cooperation than at a younger age.

The most important aspect of working with a teen is the process, i.e., having a respectful conversation about the problem. Don't lose sight of the forest - your relationship with your child - because you're focused on a tree.

Are you paying ATTENTION?

2009-05-13T10:59:00.003-04:00

I was recently interviewed on FOX News about an intelligent woman, a partner in a NYC law firm, who impetuously kicked her daughters out of her car (see Madlyn Primoff's Moment of Madness, 4/24/09).

I empathized with Madlyn's dilemma; I, too, have been frustrated enough to want to kick my fighting children out of the house, the car, the store.

But I didn't do it.

What tipped Madlyn over the edge?

She was trying to do too much; take care of the sibling rivalry in the back seat while at the same time, face forward, she monitored traffic and thought about who knows what else. Her brain was on overload; she couldn't think and she responded emotionally to the situation without seeing the consequences.

How many of us fall into the same trap?

The NY Times recently interviewed Dr. Robert Desimone, a neuroscientist at M.I.T., about his research on attention. Dr. Desimone found that the neural signals we need to attend "can have trouble getting through in a noisy environment." So if the kids are screaming we will not have the brain power to attend to something else that requires concentration.

It's not a good idea to drive or handle other dangerous objects (which abound in our kitchens) while being invaded by noise pollution.

We're surrounded by noise. At the checkout counter at my local supermarket I not only have the treats to withstand and the magazines that pollute the eyes, but now a little television at each register that incessantly blares news and advertisements. At a recent visit to an audiologist to check my hearing, I was confounded by the presence of a large television adjacent to the receptionist featuring a local talk show. Ditto for FOX news at other medical offices.

We're no longer given the opportunity to think.

With enough noise I might indeed lose the ability to think and end up throwing something at the TV, receptionist, or physician for keeping me waiting an hour in that raucous jungle! (Is that why an Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at former President Bush?)

The NY Times article ends with two suggestions for reducing pollution of the brain; meditation and ear plugs. I bought my first pair yesterday.

Congress Will Offer Bribes

2009-05-12T14:18:00.005-04:00

One of the first questions I'm asked by parents is, "Why should we pay/reward our children to do what they should be doing anyway?"

We can now ask Congress the same question: Why should you subsidize employers who develop wellness programs for their employees? And why should the workers be paid to take care of their health when they should be doing it anyway?

The answer is simply, "Because it works."

Research has repeatedly shown that when money is involved people act. They'll lose weight, stop smoking and keep their medical appointments. So, rather than castigate people who resist change, lure them with monetary incentives. We'll use the carrot rather than the stick because they're already using the stick on themselves.

A second criticism of bribes is that it removes a person's internal motivation to change.

There is some truth to that observation.

When a person changes his behavior solely because of external consequences, whether positive or negative, the new behavior does not last. As soon as the consequences pan out he'll go back to his baseline behavior. The external circumstances didn't take away his internal motivation; they overrode it. He may have felt a desire to do what's being asked - to do his homework, finish his project, eat healthy foods - after all, it's in his best interest; but now that there's no longer any payoff, he gives up.

External rewards need to be a bridge rather than a destination. They are meant as signposts along a path that the person has chosen, not one that has been imposed. No one can impose change.

So too, a wellness program needs to be voluntary for it to work. And its administrators can ensure success by being its first volunteers.

Depression

2009-05-12T14:03:00.003-04:00

Daphne Merkin, a contributing writer for the NY Times Magazine, describes her ongoing battle with clinical depression.

Her poignant description highlights the dilemma of someone who suffers from mental illness. Unlike physical illness

severe depression, much as it might be treated as an illness, didn’t send out clear signals for others to pick up on; it did its deadly dismantling work under cover of normalcy. The psychological pain was agonizing, but there was no way of proving it, no bleeding wounds to point to. How much simpler it would be all around if you could put your mind in a cast, like a broken ankle, and elicit murmurings of sympathy from other people instead of skepticism (“You can’t really be feeling as bad as all that”) and in some cases outright hostility (“Maybe if you stopped thinking about yourself so much . . . ”).

Ms. Merkin's dark memoir of her hospitalization doesn't lend one to hope that there are ways of overcoming depression. Her years of therapy include psychoanalysis but I wonder if the more proven methods of treating depression had been tried, including cognitive behavior therapy.

Yes, there are those who suffer from intractable depression and bravely live day-to-day with the monster lurking in the shadows. Let us hope that the majority of sufferers seek the best treatment available and are able to choose wellness and life.

If Your Pediatrician Ignores You

2009-05-11T09:19:00.004-04:00

When my children were small their pediatrician was an older man who seemed knowledgeable and experienced. He had one drawback; he didn't listen.

Being young and inexperienced, I didn't know that a physician should listen to his patient's mother.

As the years passed, I began to trust myself more and, when this pediatrician retired, sought someone who would indeed value my opinion. I joined a group led by an older pediatrician who loved to tell jokes; I was careful to make appointments with the younger physicians as much as possible. They seemed to listen better.

Patients and their advocates are now rocking the boat, and physicians are learning to listen or else they may get slapped with a lawsuit if, G-d forbid, the patient suffers unforeseen consequences.

Furthermore, many illness are now being identified at younger ages, including autism, diabetes and even kidney stones. Thus we need people who know their children best to recognize the signs of a child not feeling well.

That's parents, not pediatricians.

As one professor states, parents need to trust their instincts. In his words, "If the doctor ignores your concerns, seek a second opinion."

Post-Mother's Day

2009-05-11T08:16:00.000-04:00

Mother's Day is over
and the children go home
not to yours but to their own.
They're very busy
building their nests
just as you did at their age.

Many years from now
when archeologists dig down,
they will find the cities
laid down
one on top of another.

Your home, your town
will be there, too
so keep building -
the future depends
on you.

Have Pain? Pop a Pill!

2009-05-08T09:44:00.009-04:00

We Americans are taking more medication today than ever before.

Mental health drug prescriptions for adults have increased 73% for adults and 50% for children over 10 years. In 2006, "one in 10 adults and one in 20 children reported having a prescription for a mental-health drug," according to the Wall St. Journal.

This increase in medication for mental health purposes is even greater than medication used for physical illnesses: Whereas drugs account for 26% of total health-care costs, it accounts for a whopping 51% of mental health-care costs!

People are now convinced - by pharmaceutical companies and HMOs? - they can achieve mental health quickly and easily by popping pills. As stated in the Wall St. Journal, "mental-health care has tipped toward the use of the psychiatric drugs while there hasn't been the same growth in the use of so-called psychosocial therapies, such as seeing a therapist." Why spend hours at the shrink when the pill will shrink the problem away?

Therapy takes work; pill popping doesn't.

Psychotropic medication is an essential ingredient of many patients' treatment plan. Let us not go to the opposite antiquated notion that mental illness is the result of a person’s deficiency or sin, and that anybody can rid themselves of emotional suffering. A person can neither cause disease nor talk it away.

The refrigerator mother does not cause autism.

However, there is a huge downside to relying solely on medication. When you leave the physician’s office, prescription in hand, you still need to get along with your family and function in society.

Medication does not eradicate the pain of psychological problems nor cure psychiatric illness. Rather, by means of stabilizing a person's physical world, medication enables him or her to learn how to cope with and enjoy living.

Medication cannot substitute for effort. There are no magic pills.

The High Cost of Entitlement

2009-05-05T13:11:00.008-04:00

People of my generation frequently ask, "What's wrong with the children today?" I remember our parents asking the same question about our behavior, usually in reference to lack of respectful behavior.

There is a greater cause of concern.

Children today, many parents observe, feel "entitled" to whatever they receive; they neither appear grateful nor exhibit the desire to earn what they get.

Psychological entitlement is a problem not only at home but in the workplace. When an adult feels entitled to a pay raise, a bonus, or promotion that he does not receive he will get angry at his supervisor for not bestowing on him what he thinks he deserves. Similarly, if a child feels he's "entitled" to play on the computer, talk on the phone or own an ipod, he might throw a major tantrum when he doesn't get what he sees as a right rather than a privilege.

We live in an age of entitlements, from the CEO down. It goes hand in hand with the fact that major depression is the No.1 psychological disorder in the western world.

This is how: When we don't get what we want, we have two choices - blame someone else and get angry at them, or look at ourselves and see what needs to be changed. The first is a dead-end, leading to emotional distress, depression and psychological paralysis. The second thinking pattern leads to less distress - e.g.,disappointment and regret - as well as a call to action.

A person who feels entitled waits for others to do the work. He sits back on his throne of righteousness and, when the gifts don't materialize, wages war.

In contrast, one who understands that his job is to do, to act, to give will not wait for the resultant reward because he knows that he is not in charge of the outcome, only the effort. He is resourceful, determined and resilient; when one avenue is blocked, he looks for another one. In this way, he gives to society and feels energized by his actions.

Many people are suffering in this economic downturn. Those who cope best will be the ones who are using their time and energy productively. They will model for their children - not a sense of entitlement - but an ability to deal with the impediments in life.

What's in a name? Swine!

2009-05-04T10:13:00.008-04:00

We are all concerned about the spread of swine flu in the United States and abroad. A comment in Israel on what to call this outbreak of influenza may seem laughable to many people.

You see, Jews don't eat pork and don't keep pigs as pets. Hence "swine" might be offensive, according to one Israeli official (who shall remain nameless in consideration of his already tarred public image), to those who do not keep pigs in their homes.

This official suggested an alternative name: Mexican flu. As a government official one would think he'd know better. Would he want someone to call a virus that originated in Israel the "Israeli flu?"

On the other hand, this discussion shows the power of language and labels, in particular.

Thus it's interesting that no one talks about the alternative definition of swine, namely, "a contemptible person." This association came to me because, as a child of a holocaust survivor, I recall that Jews were often called SWINE! by their Nazi persecutors.

Hugo Chavez understands this power in his use of Anti-Semitic language against Jews in Venezuela. His centuries-old strategy is to label the Jewish citizens as the source of all the world's problems. Similarly, the head of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, calls Israel "a cruel and repressive racist regime" and blames it for the hatred of its enemies.

These leaders are using oft-repeated canards against Jews - euphemistically labeling them as Zionists or Israeli fascists - to deflect pressure from their citizens to deal with the economic, social and political problems of their respective countries.

So too, within the family, when one labels a child as the problem, the parents can focus on the child rather than on themselves. All of his actions are seen as evidence of that problem, whether they are or not. Eventually the child internalizes the label. It will be part of his self-image, one that he may spend the rest of his life trying to change.

Let us hope that with alert people all over the world monitoring the spread of disease, we will succeed in educating people of the dangers of "swine" - both physical and mental - and prevent its lethal consequences.

The Supreme Court as Parent

2009-05-01T09:08:00.004-04:00

"Tsk, tsk," the Supreme Court ruled this week. "You shouldn't talk like that," the judges implied as they upheld a ban on the use of fleeting expletives on television before 10 pm.

But if we don't like the language we hear on television or radio, what about what we hear in corporate boardrooms, in schools and on the street? Should the Court, like the Taliban, attempt to control all public behaviors?

I picture the Court not as it looks today, with judges of both genders and several races, but as it used to look - white men who dictated their social mores on a nation that would not necessarily follow its rulings.

The Court was doing what many of us parents do so ineffectively; i.e., trying to control our teens from the top down.

Thus, if we parents do not like the language we hear from our children we might punish them, for example, by slapping a fine on them (since we are the Supreme Court of our families). I doubt, however, that it will be effective.

Maybe the Courts of both the family and the nation need to think of more effective strategies to influence social behavior.

Choosing the Route to Jerusalem

2009-04-30T09:32:00.003-04:00

There is very good highway from where the young man lived to the center of Jerusalem. He knew it well, having traveled it by bus many times. But it's full of traffic for most of the daylight hours. As he contemplated driving his family to Jerusalem for the day, he asked himself, "Should he take this well-traveled road or follow a back-roads route that his friend recommended?"

He was nervous. The back roads would come near an Arab town and through more than one checkpoint. Yet the idea of trying something new and avoiding all that traffic was enticing. What should he do?

On the one hand, he could easily take the safe route if he were too anxious about the alternative. But, if he would be willing to step out of his safety zone (after all, his friend had already done so and said it was OK), he might learn something new and worthwhile for the future. It might also be fun!

My comment: Anticipatory anxiety about trying something new is understandable. It's the same as so-called stage fright. But once an actor steps onstage, anxiety could trip him up, impair his performance and ruin his enjoyment. In this instance, with the show on-the-road so to speak, anxiety could "flatten the tires" and ruin the trip for everyone.

Back to our story:

The young man made his choice. He was going to try something new. He resolved to put his feelings aside, concentrate on the road ahead and enjoy the adventure. After all, this venture was a small one in comparison to his decision to move with his family to Israel the year before!

He never regretted his decision.

Life continues to be a series of adventures.

Never Too Thin

2009-04-28T11:48:00.004-04:00

I was at the seamstress/tailor the other day.

Aside: Curious about the difference between the two terms - was "seamstress" a woman and "tailor" a man? - I googled the two terms and found the following: A "seamstress" is one who sews, makes crafty items and garments. A "tailor" is one who makes a garment fit or tailors the garment to fit the individual.

Waiting for my turn, I watched as the tailor discussed the fit of a dress with a young girl. The girl was tall, thin and appeared to be around 14 years of age. She stood hunched over, as if to cower into herself, hiding her pubescent body.

The tailor commented that the dress - a hand-me-down from her sister - did not fit properly; "too tight" in one place and "too loose" in another. The girl, possibly hearing only the former, immediately asked, "Should I lose weight?"

This girl was so thin that I could see her rib bones and small nipples through the fabric. Rather than modify or discard the dress, which she obviously liked, she wanted to do the same to her body. Maybe she wanted to look like her sister (or friend or classmate).

Her mother sat nearby and didn't comment. Her mother, by the way, was pleasantly plump so the issue of thinness did not seem to stem from the home.

When the girl stepped into the dressing room I quietly asked her the age of her child. She was 18 1/2 years old.

Rather than a diet, I thought to myself, she needed self-confidence and a new bra.

Behind the scenes at FOX TV News

2009-04-27T21:32:00.006-04:00

Do you see that sofa on which the TV anchormen/women sit? It looks like it's comfortable, spacious, and part of a huge office that probably overlooks the Hudson River.

Guess again.

That sofa is so small that if any one of the three "anchors" move a few inches they'll either fall off or bump into their co-host.

And the room is really a small platform surrounded by teleprompters and cameras, behind which lies a darkened area populated by more machinery and the technicians who run them.

Such is the world of TV news.

World events are magnified and amplified, and mundane problems are projected as critical life events, all to the purpose of creating pressure and popular interest.

Indeed, my four-minute stint yesterday on FOX & FRIENDS demonstrated what a pressure cooker these anchors inhabit.

They speak at a breakneck pace, don't stop to make eye contact or connection, hurrying to get the news out and move on. They're in a locomotive at high speed. No time for thoughts, feelings or people.

Except behind the scenes.

That's where you find, what I might call, the beautiful people: The make-up artist, hairdresser, assistants and assistants under them. The eager young cadre of helpers who get to work at 4 am so that the show can get on the road on time, every morning, every day of the week. They work when you and I play, sleep when we begin our evening, take time off when the rest of the working world is in the office.

They make up the infrastructure of that artificial TV world.

Someone should do a show about them. But more than 4 minutes worth.

Madlyn Primoff's Moment of Madness

2009-04-24T18:21:00.004-04:00

Catch the moment: I will be interviewed live this Sunday morning (4/26/09) on Fox News Channel, 7:30 am ET, on the Madlyn Primoff incident.

This mother stepped over the line and actually threw her daughters out of the car when the girls wouldn't stop fighting. How many of us parents have thought of doing the same?

Please watch the interview and share your thoughts.

Mother-in-Law Meddling

2009-04-20T14:11:00.001-04:00

I just spent two weeks with my daughter, son-in-law and their two children. How we got along is the content of many books, movies and plays.

Before I arrived I heard that the kids were counting the days until my arrival.
"What about the parents?" I wondered. I decided not to ask them.

Then came the day of my arrival. My children's greeting was wonderful: "Hi, Mom! It's great to see you! We're so happy you came!" The grandchildren smiled shyly at first, then danced with me in joy.

It felt great to lend a hand, to play with the little ones and to watch the family in action. Eventually, however - given the extended period of my stay - I stepped out of the role of observer and became an actor in the play.

I put myself on stage.

One time, when the little ones were having a major meltdown, I asked my son-in-law, "Would you like some advice?" "No!" he responded curtly. I quickly retreated to my room and out of the line of fire.

Another time, I casually described some child-raising technique (a poorly disguised means of giving advice) and received polite, cold silence.

I had transgressed the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not give advice.

The critics in the audience were having a field day with my performance.

Why couldn't I stay on the sidelines? What pulled me into the fray?

I think of a salad I've finished making and I'm tasting it, deciding what ingredients, if any, should be added to the mix. Does it need more sugar? Or maybe a little salt or vinegar? What will make it just perfect?

I have a hard time leaving good enough alone.

But I'm happy that I stayed long enough to recognize that in the same way that one may step over the line, one can retreat; that having a relationship means one can say, "I'm sorry" and move on.

Next time I get together with my children and theirs, I hope I'll remember that I can sit back and enjoy the play. I'm no longer needed on stage.

Blame the Spouse

2009-04-19T18:29:00.000-04:00

The easiest strategy for a therapist who listens to complaints about a marriage is to agree that it's the spouse's fault.

In a society that focuses on an individual's inaliable right to happiness, we assume that someone else is to blame if we're not happy.

So "he doesn't know how to express love," "she's always criticizing me," "he doesn't spend time with the children," and "she's constantly yelling at them." The list is endless when we begin to enumerate our partner's sins.

And if we do so to a supportive, empathic therapist, we will conveniently focus on the limits rather than the benefits of our marriage. The marital relationship becomes the albatross around one's neck and - choking with rage and pain - we become desperate to break free!

Ah, freedom. How wonderful that word sounds. The freedom to be me, unencumbered by responsibility towards my spouse or children. I can start all over again; look for someone better, more good-looking, finer and - of course - younger. Why shouldn't I leave? It's my life, isn't it?

Yes, how inviting it all sounds. Fulfillment and gratification without pain.

As long as you pay the therapy bill.

How to Enjoy the Holidays

2009-04-05T12:56:00.002-04:00

The Danger

Do you enjoy the holidays? Many people get together on Passover or Easter to celebrate the holiday and strengthen family bonds. As the generations sit around the table, enjoying the delicious food, they have the opportunity to revel in their unity as a family regardless of what happens the rest of the year.

Sounds ideal. More often than not, however, when you assemble with your extended family you will recall past hurts or feelings of neglect. Your emotional pain could then easily outweigh your enjoyment of being together again. Therefore, here are some guidelines to help you make the holiday celebration a truly joyous one.

Strategies for Celebrations

Strategy #1 for all family celebrations is to “leave the past in the past.” Family get-togethers are the worst times to “clear the air.” Everybody’s already on edge; whether from the excitement of the day, the tension from hosting it or the effort to get there on time. Bringing up a remark or a telephone conversation from your last encounter is like adding fuel to the fire. So swallow your pride along with the food and keep mum.

Strategy #2 follows from #1. Do not carry a “hidden agenda.” Remember that family events are public gatherings. Discussions of a personal nature should take place only in private.

Strategy #3: Examine yourself in the mirror. Are you slipping into old patterns of behavior? Endeavor to respond in new ways to old triggers. This time, when your brother teases you, laugh along with him. Try to show your relatives the side of yourself that your business associates would recognize; your calm, professional manner works well in private, too.

Strategy #4: Similarly, examine your relatives in light of who they are, not who you’d wish them to be. They may be fatter, balder, greyer or less accomplished than 20-30 years ago. But so are you. Accepting others can help us accept ourselves.

Strategy #5: Look for the positive and communicate the positive. Although it may be difficult at first, concentrate on whatever’s going right and ignore or play down the problems. For example, make an effort to give compliments to as many people as you can, especially the host and hostess.

Strategy #6: If you have young children, strive to keep them busy and well-fed. That achievement alone would be immensely helpful to your extended family. Above all, don’t get involved in someone else’s crisis. Remember, your nieces and nephews are not your children and you do not need to discipline them. If the stress becomes overwhelming, take a break from the tumult and find refuge in another room.

Strategy #7: Prepare for this get-together as you would for a business meeting. Know the personalities that you’ll encounter, bring something interesting to the table discussion, and put your best foot forward. Hopefully, you’ll walk away with a stomach full of food and not bile.

Is Mom replaceable?

2009-03-26T16:47:00.005-04:00

When our children are little, we assume the daycare provider is just as good as we are at understanding our babies.

When our children go to school, the teacher naturally knows what's best.

The teens loudly defend their friends as their best and only confidants.

And who can compete with a loving spouse?

Wait, Mom. You're needed much more than you think.

In the early years, for example, a recent study at the University of Illinois has shown that secure mother-child attachments predict good friendships.

Dr. McElwain, the lead researcher of the study, found that “in a secure, emotionally open mother-child relationship, children develop a more positive, less biased understanding of others, which then promotes more positive friendships during the early school years.”

Similarly, your children have better self-esteem when they feel secure in their relationships with you.

Lastly, teens and young adults may leave from you for increasing lengths of time and for far-flung places, but their ability to separate depends on a secure attachment with you.

Attachment leads to independence.

Detachment leads to anger and estrangement.

So keep the phone lines open, Mom. Your children are calling!

The Stress g-r-O-WS

2009-03-23T10:09:00.003-04:00

Now you're seriously stressed out. Your deadline gets closer every day. You're not sleeping well at night and your body aches with tension when you awaken in the wee hours of the morning.

What to do? Here are a few of my suggestions.

First get everyone out the door. Give yourself some time alone. If you have a baby at home, make sure to keep up those naps. Put the baby in the crib even if he/she doesn't sleep. You need the time out as much as the youngster does.

The next step is the more difficult one. Use at least part of your free time for yourself. Re-energize by sitting down and eating a quiet lunch. Allow yourself time to gather your thoughts. When you're ready to re-enter the world, tackle a job that you can feel good about, something that you'll complete in the time left. Then you'll be able to feel even slightly accomplished.

Finally, develop tunnel vision and hearing. Don't look or listen to what others are doing who are coping with the same deadline. Everyone has their own path to the finish line; some of us are sprinters, others view the race as a marathon, but we all reach the finish line.

Congratulations! You're a member of the human race.

What to do in times of STRESS

2009-03-16T11:37:00.011-04:00

Are you feeling it? Your tight stomach, constricted throat, rapid speaking and shallow breathing all signal STRESS.

We know that stress worsens many physical illnesses and emotional disorders, from acid reflux disease to depression. Therefore, what we do in times of stress will impact not only on our ability to handle the problem(s) but also our health, our relationships and our productivity.

Unfortunately, many people regress during times of stress. Those of us who let out our frustrations on others might yell, argue or punish the children for minor incidents. Those of us who internalize our feelings may become more anxious, distractible or depressed.

During these times we also weaken in our resolve to kick old habits. We might return to over- or under-eating, smoking or drinking to self-medicate the pain we feel.

We cannot avoid stress. How we handle it is what counts.

My personal method is to subtract. I go into a focused mode, working to the degree possible on only those tasks and people that require attention. I let go of all ancillary errands, projects and obligations.

The trap in this method is not to let go of what I need for myself. That is so often the first thing that we do when we're under stress. We forget that keeping oneself strong is the first, not last item on the list!

Here's how:

1. Maintain a minimum of healthy habits. Eat sensibly, keep up your exercise routine and get enough sleep. Consistency is what counts.

2. Take a few moments every day to be alone. You'll be surprised at how this time can energize you. Recline or lie down, close your eyes and let the thoughts flow through you.

3. Pare down and set short-term realistic goals. At the end of each day review what you've accomplished and congratulate yourself. It's all too easy to focus only on what remains to be done. Leave that for tomorrow.

4. Reach out to others. Social support is a proven buffer to stress. Find someone who will encourage and cheer you on. Likewise, avoid speaking to people who will heighten rather than lower your anxiety.

5. Finally, let go of what you can't control, including other people's feelings and actions. Just as the radio dispenses a constant stream of chatter about daily events, so too can our minds be filled with futile worries. Turn it off.

Stressful times don't last forever. Calm waters lie ahead. Keep paddling.

Memories of Hard Times

2009-03-06T09:26:00.004-05:00

I remember my father sitting at his small desk with his head in his hands, staring down at the bills before him. How would he pay them?

Money was tight during most of my childhood. My parents, owners of a small retail store (see A Personal Story), lived with the uncertainty of not knowing how much of their inventory would be sold on any one day.

As a child growing up in these circumstances, I sensed my parents' worries and felt bad for them. Yet they were always there for me; they somehow managed to meet my needs - food, clothes, school books and love.

I did not feel deprived. I did not care whether my "new" clothes came from a store or a bag of lovely hand-me-downs from well-to-do relatives. I enjoyed the home-cooked meals and did not wish to eat at a restaurant. I did not need to own the latest gadget; I had my siblings to play with. Watching television and reading library books were my refuge from the sometimes harsh reality.

We lived in an apartment that had four rooms besides the kitchen and one bathroom. The rooms were transformed according to the needs of the family; the dining room became our living room, a child's bedroom was used for a boarder. I remember the kitchen above all. I don't recall its size, but imagine it to be about 9x12 feet - the size of my laundry room today.

On one side of the kitchen was the table, surrounded by six chairs, squeezed tightly into the space between the wall and the washing machine and sink. On the other side was the stove, refrigerator, and two counters topped by cabinets. The kitchen was the warmest place in the house, filled with the noise of a lively family. I can still picture my mother standing at the sink washing dishes and my father at the stove, wearing an apron, cooking eggs for breakfast.

Above all, I remember the songs. We sang throughout our Sabbath meals, often in harmony, bringing home tunes from school or various social events. In between the songs we talked, teased, fought and had a great time. We siblings remain close even now. We always knew that, in a pinch, we were there for each other.

Hard times taught us to count on family. That's not a bad lesson to learn.

How Well Did You Sleep Last Night?

2009-03-05T22:34:00.017-05:00

Second-hand sleep problems are like second-hand smoke. If you have someone in the family with a sleep disorder your health will suffer, too.

Spouses of men or women who snore can attest to their own impaired sleep. The noise can become so loud that they're tempted to sleep in separate bedrooms!

Furthermore, the snoring adult - in addition to the misery that he or she is causing - is not getting good quality sleep. The snorer may awaken often during the night or have intermittent episodes of not breathing - signs of sleep apnea. He is plagued by daytime sleepiness. He may have trouble concentrating on work or, when in the driver's seat, on the road.

Our technologically sophisticated world has affected our internal as well as external physical environment; we are toying with our natural bodily rhythm. We ingest Vitamin D to compensate from lack of exposure to sunlight and we pump our bodies with caffeine in order to function with minimal sleep. We forget that there are consequences to messing with G-d's creation. Sleep is essential to humanity. (Think of what would have been lost if Adam had not had a good night's sleep!)

As every parent knows, children (and some adults) misbehave when under physical stress; e.g., when they're hungry. That's why the coming-home-from-school time is often the most stressful part of the day for parents. It's a race to see if you can give the child something to eat before your head gets blown off! Parents can give their kids supper as soon as the latter walk in the door, as early as 3:30 or 4:00 pm for the little ones. Then they can have a snack later if necessary, when they're too tired to eat a full meal.

Similarly, one cannot underestimate the importance of good sleep hygiene. Both children and their parents need a good night's sleep. Setting a bedtime routine and deciding how to handle middle-of-the-night awakenings are important components of sleep hygiene.

The importance of sleep was brought home to me by a recent segment by NPR Radio on the impact of poor sleep on a child's behavior. I had forgotten that children, too, can suffer from sleep apnea. And when they do, their impaired sleep may result in irritability, impulsiveness, aggressive behavior and attention problems. We may think that their poor school achievement is caused by a learning disability or ADHD when, in fact, they are suffering from a sleep disorder.

Sleep apnea manifests itself differently in adults and children. While children don't drive and adults don't go to school, they both - along with the rest of the family - suffer the consequences of a poor night's sleep.

Good night!

How Can You Plant the Seeds of Success?

2009-03-04T13:50:00.005-05:00

So many problems are preventable and so much of our future success in life stems from the seeds that we plant now.

For example, a recent study at the University of Illinois has shown that secure mother-child attachments predict good friendships. Dr. McElwain, the lead researcher of the study, found that “in a secure, emotionally open mother-child relationship, children develop a more positive, less biased understanding of others, which then promotes more positive friendships during the early school years.”

Do you want to take action, or will you wait and see until the time comes when you look back at “what might have been?”

Follow your heart and get the support you need. Take this opportunity to hear up-to-date information about parenting and life transitions within the safety of a group of like-minded women.

Join 4M! 4M = Mona’s Monday Meetings for Mothers

4M Coaching Groups are low-cost and highly effective. In addition - because these groups take place over the telephone - they provide a unique opportunity for women in geographically diverse locations to “meet” and support each other.

Group 1: Managing Preschoolers
Group 2: Mothering Children & Teens
Group 3: Maximizing Your Midlife Years

All groups begin on Monday, April 27th and are limited in size.
Day and evening sessions are available.
You must register by emailing Dr. Spiegel or calling her at 845-425-4842.

Early-bird discount ends Friday, April 3rd!

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P.S. While you are considering whether to join, read a few testimonials from previous participants in 4M:

I learned a lot of practical tips from the coaching group. It was informative, interactive and non-judgmental.

The "phone class" was really great! In her friendly & easygoing manner, Dr. Spiegel guides & raises awareness on the many issues/situations that arise daily, & offers valuable advice. The class was really beneficial!

I truly enjoyed the 4M group. I was able to get excellent information about my child's development and also learned so much from the other women in the group. When you hear about someone else's challenges and accomplishments it makes you realize how normal your own struggles are. Dr. Spiegel has a special combination of warmth and caring along with clear objectivity that we all need in order to grow and improve.

Do You Remember Barbie?

2009-03-01T11:40:00.011-05:00

I do. I remember taking her out of her sky-blue Barbie case, dressing her up and then putting her carefully back into her compartment. The case was divided into three compartments; one for Barbie, a second for her shoes and accessories, and a third large one for her clothes, which had tiny hangers and a hook to hang them.

How I loved dressing up Barbie, time and time again! I didn't think about what she represented - an idealized image of a woman's body - but enjoyed pretending that she was the belle of the ball. Barbie, together with her literary sisters - Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty - were the beautiful maidens destined to be rescued by the most handsome man in the room.

March 9th is the 50th anniversary of the Barbie doll. Her creator, Ruth Handler, was inspired by a German doll that was originally meant for adults and then popular with children. Ms. Handler noticed that her daughter, Barbara, enjoyed playing with paper dolls and asked for a prototype that would satisfy a girl's wish to play "woman."

As women have progressed, so has Barbie. Her thin-waisted figure, perfect for the full-skirted outfits of the time, was modified slightly to conform to more modern dress. She has worn the outfits of many occupations that at the time of her creation were closed to women.

But many women today do not want their girls fantasying about being another Barbie. They want their daughters to be comfortable within their own bodies and not seek approval based on the thinness of their waists.

Then why do we continue to dress grown-up models in Barbie-like outfits? Why does being a woman mean either (a) parading around in designer outfits, made up of high cut skirts and low-cut bodices; or (b) its counterpart, head-to-toe hijabs and other forms of sack-dresses?

Why do we women continue to fall for a male definition of whom and what we should or should not be?

It's ironic that Barbie was inspired by an adult toy. So much of the adult world, especially its sexuality, has trickled down and invaded our children's world. When I shop today for my granddaughters I am appalled by the off-the-shoulder tops in size 4T and the low-cut jeans in size 6.

What I used to have in my dress-up box is now de rigueur for little girls.

It is no wonder that girls' self-esteem declines by the time they've reached their pre-teen years, just when they've stopped playing with Barbie.

Suffering a Loss

2009-02-26T20:22:00.014-05:00

People who walk through the door of my office have suffered a loss. That is the reason they come. They seek information or solace; then they need assistance in moving forward.

Their loss may be physical, emotional or both. They may be suffering from trauma and its resultant loss of trust. They may be in the midst of losing a relationship. They may be coping with illness and fear of death. Alternatively, their loss may be psychological; a result of being informed that their child suffers from - you name it - a learning disability, illness, emotional disorder or other serious problems.

No one goes through life without experiencing loss. At the very least we lose the fulfillment of part or all of our youthful dreams.

Thus it is essential to take time to grieve. We cannot move on without doing so. The world for the moment must stop, as we evaluate and acknowledge what we have lost. That is the process of Shiva, the seven days in which a Jew leaves work and family to grieve over the death of an immediate relative. During this time one does not focus on the living but on the dead; not on achievement but on regret; not on the present or future but on the past.

Even the British government took time out to grieve today over the death of young Ivan Cameron, the oldest child of the leader of the Conservative Party. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown - who also lost an infant - acknowledged the universal feelings of parents when he stated, "Every child is precious and irreplaceable, and the death of a child is an unbearable sorrow that no parent should ever have to endure.”

We Americans are often afraid of sadness. We may avoid it or pathologize it and then try to cure it. We even try to prevent our children from experiencing sadness.

Yet an essential aspect of maturity is the ability to express sadness as well as joy; to view and accept life in all its complexity, with its challenges as well as rewards. Psychologists have found that the mature person is one who acknowledges loss, but is not consumed by it.*

We stand in silence for two minutes to memorialize the fallen and sit Shiva for seven days to mourn one's dead. Then we move on. The ultimate challenge is to transform the losses in one's life into "sources of deep gratitude."**

How we can accomplish this superhuman task will be discussed at another time.

Meanwhile, please accept my support and understanding. I, too, have experienced loss.

*King, Laura A. & Hicks, Joshua A. Whatever Happened to "What Might Have Been"? Regrets, Happiness, and Maturity. American Psychologist, Vol. 62, No. 7, 625-636.

**Ibid, p. 631.

Men on the Run

2009-02-25T11:35:00.005-05:00

Chander Mohan, a deputy chief minister in India, is the latest man in the news to be found out. Unlike other politicians, however, he went the whole way, actually converting to Islam and then legally taking his mistress as a second wife.

Women have suffered through their husband's affairs since time immemorial. These men seek to salve whatever pain they're in by looking elsewhere for comfort. The "other woman" - usually much younger - provides solace for whatever ails him. But he sacrifices much to gain that temporary pleasure.

One president was even impeached because of his inappropriate behavior while in office.

In the pleasure of the moment the man loses his identity.

Sometimes the man creates a new life with the other woman. In the case of former presidential nominee John McCain, for example, his second wife and former mistress stood by his side as he spoke at news conferences.

The first wife suffers embarrassment and rejection as well as public pity. Their children, if they have any, suffer private and public shame.

But some women refuse to be cowed. They stand with dignity through the debacle and wait for their husbands to come home. They accept the damaged goods and the imperfection of their marriages while refusing to be defined by it. They are their husbands' partners, not possessions.

Some women even rise above it all to become Secretary of State.

How to Improve your Health

2009-02-17T09:40:00.008-05:00

John Cacioppo, Professor in Psychology at the University of Chicago, is one of the nation's leading scholars on loneliness. He has shown that loneliness undermines health and can be as detrimental as smoking.

If you are lonely, you are not alone (irony intended). About one in five Americans experience loneliness, Cacioppo said.

The greatest aid to stopping unhealthy habits is the support of other people. Thus we have a wide range of "Anonymous" groups, for example, AA (Alcohol A.), Gambling A., Overeaters A.,etc. We should start a "Lonely Anonymous" group.

For this reason, I have begun my teleconference groups, called 4M: Mona's Monday Meetings for Mothers. As one woman said last night, "I feel the encouragement of all of you; it means a lot to me."

Reach out. You will find that we are there for you.

Pastors, Presidents and Parents

2009-02-16T09:59:00.004-05:00

Listening to a radio program yesterday, I was struck by the comment, "We don't want leaders like ourselves. We don't want Sarah Palin. We want somebody who's better than us."

This comment holds true, I believe, for all role models. Our children don't want us to function on their level, neither to act like a friend nor get angry when they do. They need us to set an example for them to follow, to determine limits within which they will feel secure and protected, and to hold steady when they fall apart.

Similarly, each one of us wants to look up to the people whom we admire. Of course we can forgive small interpersonal mistakes, such as forgetting an appointment to meet us or not returning a phone call. But ethical mistakes or misdemeanors undermine our trust in them and our belief in their ability to be our role models.

Therefore, when one chooses to be a leader one takes on the responsibility of being accountable not only to oneself - and G-d - but to the entire congregation of people who depend on that person.

Pastors, presidents and parents have two-way mirrors in their homes.

Why women say, "No more!"

2009-02-12T11:54:00.014-05:00

I could hardly wait for my husband to get home. The baby never stopped crying, no matter what I tried. I finally resorted to carrying her around all day in a Snugli. She was no better at night. Sometimes I fell asleep right next to her crib and woke up with her still crying. She wanted me to walk with her all night. Would this never stop?

I don't know how I made it through those first three months. I was thankful they were over and she was finally sleeping for longer stretches of time. It would be awhile till she slept straight through the night.

Later on, when she and her sisters were older, I remember breathing a sigh of relief when they were finally in bed. Now my evening could begin!

But as they got older they stayed up later until eventually I went to bed before them! The evening hours never seemed to end. If I had worked full-time during the day in those years I don't know when I would have found time for me.

And I needed that time. When I didn't have it I would become short-tempered and resentful of all the pressures of child-raising and keeping the family afloat.

So I joined forces with the millions of women underground who say, "Enough!" This might mean enough children, enough cooking, laundry, housework, shopping, chauffering, cleaning, etc. Whoever reaches that point knows what is enough. The problem is that we usually wait too long to say it, even to ourselves. We wait for someone else to say, "Enough" and thereby rescue us.

That doesn't happen. Why should anyone else take on this burden? Is he a fool?

Furthermore, we become so hard-of-hearing our own voice that it becomes submerged under layers of suppression and emerges distorted, diffused into emotional rage, medical problems or psychological disorders.

Finally, if we still don't learn how to take care of ourselves within the marriage and family, we might become so desperate that all we can think of is LEAVE!

And so many women have abandoned their homes, their families, their children.

It's time to stop and listen to one's heart, while it still sustains the life of the family.

If we learn how to say, "No," we won't have to scream, Enough is enough! as we walk out the door.

Why do some women want large families?

2009-02-11T19:20:00.007-05:00

With the birth of octuplets in Southern California last month, the question of large families has become newsworthy.

Apart from the circumstances surrounding the birth of these children through fertility treatments to a woman who already had several children and could not afford more, the decision of many women to bear and raise a large number of children warrants discussion.

I will not attempt to enumerate what we mean by "large." The typical population replacement rate is approximately 2+ children. At a minimum, then, a large family would be one containing more than 2 or 3 children.

I have 5 children and more than that many grandchildren. Thank G-d, I have a large family.

Why did I want so many children? This question can be divided into two: 1)Was my desire a pathological "baby addiction" as some enlightened psychologists declare? 2) Was I "obsessed" with having another baby, clinging to the notion of having someone totally dependant on me and giving me unconditional love?

To answer the first question: Fulfilling an inborn need is not an addiction; otherwise, we would not eat and sleep when we felt it was needed. True, overeating or sleeping too much (or too little) are unhealthy behaviors that lead to negative consequences. However, unless one's mental or physical state indicates that one is unhealthy, the range of "normalcy" is quite large.

Similarly, what may be a "large" family to one person could be average to another. Thus, a family with five children may appear large to some people and average to others. The determinant is not the number but the health of the family.

We can make short shrift of the second question: If I wanted unconditional love, I would have bought a pet who would never grow up and leave me.

There are many positive reasons to have large families. See my Newsletter entitled Siblings are Forever to learn some of the benefits for children who grow up in these families.

OK for parents to sleep with their children?

2009-01-26T08:50:00.004-05:00

Most new mothers don't hesitate to take their newborns to bed with them, especially if they are nursing. The practice, known as bed sharing, is especially common among nursing mothers.

Despite the concern about "rolling over" and "smothering" a baby, most nursing mothers find that their nighttime feedings are easier and more soothing for both mother and child. Indeed, a 2006 study of infants 5-27 weeks in the journal Pediatrics found that "bed-share infants without known risk factors for sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) experience increased maternal touching and looking, increased breastfeeding, and faster and more frequent maternal responses" than crib-sleeping infants. Newborns, as most parents will tell you, benefit from the physical proximity to their mothers.

The question changes as the baby ages. The baby moves around more and inevitably disturbs the parent's sleep. Although parents may resort to bed-sharing when the child is sick or cranky, they also take the risk that the baby - accustomed to sleeping with the parents - will begin to resist sleeping in its own crib or bed. Putting the young child to bed becomes increasingly difficult and bedtime can become a nightmare. The parents may dread leaving the child with a babysitter and, at worst, may have neither time nor energy for intimate relations.

Finally, by the time a child enters school and is truly ready to separate from the parent, the latter may cling to the child. "Laying down" with a child becomes a quick bonding experience and more than one parent I know uses this bonding time to catch a quick nap.

The answer to the question of bed-sharing thus depends on the age of the child. At no time should a parent use this time to meet her own psychological or physical needs. If you maintain an appropriate boundary between yourself and your child, you will know when it's time to sleep without your child in your bed.

I forgot

2009-01-25T10:35:00.006-05:00

I forgot to pack my sneakers. I didn't want to wear them traveling because I'd have to untie and tie them going through airport security. So I decided to pack them, set them aside to do so and then automatically put them back in the closet!

"What's the big deal?", you ask. "You can manage without them and, if not, you can always buy another pair."

True, but this is a recurring problem. I go to the store with my forgotten shopping list left on the kitchen table. I forget where I put the keys and my glasses. I forget what my husband asked me to do as soon as I put down the phone. I even forget why I've gone upstairs when I reach the top and have to go back down again to remember!

Knowing my forgetfulness, I take certain precautions. I make sure that I have my keys in my hand before closing the door of the house or the car. I check to make sure I've turned off the gas on the stove. And I have more than one pair of glasses.

So I live with a certain amount of forgetfulness. I console myself that I remember the most important things and hope that I won't make any serious mistakes.

I keep at bay the monster fear of dementia and Alzheimer's. I focus on the blessing of forgetting things that I do not want to remember; conflicts, automobile tickets, social gaffes...

I forgot the rest.

The Seed becomes a Presidential Rose

2009-01-20T10:42:00.004-05:00

As parents it is all too easy to lose sight of our goals. We invest so much of ourselves into our commitment to our children that we can easily become annoyed when they misbehave. Underneath our frustration, I believe, is the fear that our work is for nothing.

We need to "take the long view," as my husband tells me. The seeds that we plant today will not germinate tomorrow. It will take many tomorrows until we have the opportunity, with G-d’s help, to reap the harvest.

Today, Inauguration Day 2009, we bear witness to the fruit of one family's labor.

This poem, written by a child, is dedicated to Barack Obama's mother and grandmother, who were instrumental in setting the stage for his appearance as the first black U.S.president.

Do you remember, Mommy
When I was little;
I wanted to grow a garden full of roses.
You told me to start with one flower.
So I gathered
The pot
The soil
The seed.
I carefully placed the seed in the pot
And proudly put the pot on the windowsill.
But the seed won't grow,
I came to you crying.
You told me to water it and place it in the sun.
Do you remember, Mommy
How excited I was
When the first shoots came up?
But I wondered, where was the flower
And I came to you crying once more.
You told me to have patience.
So I watered it and waited.
I waited some more.
Then one day I saw a tiny white bud
Peeping out from behind a leaf.
Fascinated, I watched it blossom
The petals unfold.
And there, in all its glory, was my long awaited rose.

A Small Gesture

2009-01-19T16:22:00.011-05:00

As I approached the repair shop I saw the owner standing in the doorway looking out ("at the snow?" I wondered). When I gestured that his place was my destination he immediately welcomed me inside. I picked up my repair, we had a small chat and I left.

As I was driving away I noticed that the owner was walking outside without a jacket - to me, a sign of a person in a rush, possibly thinking of someone else and not himself - up the driveway that led out of the shopping center. I followed him in my car and saw him go up to a child who was waiting there.

The shop owner put his arm around his son's shoulder and they both proceeded to look for, I assumed, the school bus.

What impressed me the most was the father's arm on his child's shoulder. It was a small gesture, of course, but how many times are we too worried or engrossed in our own thoughts to reach out and touch our children?

I believe that we are a touch-deprived society. In this era of abuse, where touch has become all-too-often invasive and hurtful, we have forgotten about the importance of the loving gesture that connects all people.

In a famous series of experiments by Harry Harlow in the 1950's & 60's, baby rhesus monkeys chose cloth "monkeys" over wire ones, even though the latter provided them with milk (See Wikipedia for a full description of Harlow and his experiments). These experiments demonstrated that children, like their animal counterparts, will sacrifice everything - parental approval, food and health - to gain a parent's love.

Try to touch each of your children today, even the teen. You will find that a small gesture yields huge dividends.

Turning Points

2009-01-18T12:11:00.012-05:00

Do you remember your relationship with your husband before the two of you married? Do you recall the excitement and the desire to please?

What happened to those feelings?

As two people build a family, the energy that was originally directed to each other gets redirected to their children, their work, their home. The tremendous responsibilities that they share can result in their leading parallel lives, as if they were business partners rather than two people who love and want to spend their time together. This process takes place over years not days, and is so gradual that the couple is unaware of the disintegration of their relationship until it is too late.

It doesn't have to be that way.

When you are ready, take the following steps:

#1: Notice if you feel distant from your spouse. Do you enjoy the time you have together? Do you share your thoughts and feelings with each other?

#2: Observe your spouse's behavior. Does he or she seek you out? Does your spouse look happy and, if not, are you there to listen to the problems?

#3: Are you feeling happy? If not, what is missing from your life?

IMPORTANT: It is all too easy to blame one's spouse for one's own unhappiness. When you stop depending on other people or circumstances for your happiness, you have reached a turning point in your life. You can decide, consciously and with all the strength that you can muster, to take charge of your own happiness. This means looking inward, rather than outward, for the impediment to your feeling happy. Only then can you develop an action plan to climb out of the hole into which you've fallen.

#4: Seek out friends who have the same culture, language and innate ability to understand your feelings. They will not replace a spouse; rather they will enhance your marital relationship by providing a listening ear to much of the unessential baggage that we load unto our spouses. Similarly, friends are good company for mundane errands that take up a good portion of our days.

#5: Once you have attained a greater sense of contentment, you are now ready to reignite your relationship. Pour in the fuel of excitement and hopefulness that was there is the beginning. Focus on how you can light the fire of love once again.

Final Step: Remember that even the best lit fire dies out unless you watch and maintain it. A good fire is tame yet beautiful to behold. It warms the body and soul during the cold winter days.

Losing One's Mind: How Coffee affects the Brain

2009-01-17T21:27:00.009-05:00

Do you drink coffee? Join the millions of others who do. Coffee provides a pick-me-up in the morning along with the satisfying taste and aroma of the rain forest. It's a blessing on a cold winter day.

Is coffee then healthy or harmful?

It depends on what you want to achieve by drinking it.

According to one study, if you are in your midlife years and you drink a moderate amount of coffee (three to five cups per day), you will reduce your risk of developing Alzheimer's disease by 65% compared with those who drank either no coffee at all or very little.*

According to another study, if you drink too much coffee (defined as more than the equivalent of seven cups of coffee a day), you may be at risk of experiencing hallucinations, including hearing voices and seeing things and people that are not there!**

So do we or don't we?

Caffeine is a potent and quick-acting drug which produces an effect similar to the stress response on our bodies. It impacts quickly and will continue to influence one's physical and mental state for up to 6-8 hours. But caffeine affects each person differently and some people may be more sensitive to its effects than others.

In the end, the research gives us the message of Know Thyself. No one can predict how you will react to drugs, either natural or manufactured ones. Just like our individual reactions to life's stresses, our bodies are uniquely our own.

So enjoy yourself. Like most things in life, a moderate amount will do just fine.

*http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/135637.php

**http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/135466.php

Why Sons Need Their Fathers

2009-01-14T10:29:00.010-05:00

A disproportionate number of mothers are trying to be fathers as well as mothers to their sons. I'm referring not just to single mothers. There are many homes with two parents in which only one of whom, the female, is in charge of parenting. Fathers have opted out.

Their sons are suffering as a result.

Fathers complain they "have no time" to spend with their sons and/or their wives do a "better job." How can mothers do a better job when they don't have the necessary qualifications? And when will fathers "find the time?" Listen to the lyrics of the Harry Chapin song, Cats in the Cradle, and you will learn the results.

What do fathers provide that mothers cannot? Read the following:

Boys need male guidance in exploring their own power and its limits, and in how to use it for their own good and the good of others. Boys need to learn how to know and respect their own strength, and yet not exaggerate it or flaunt it. They need to learn how to listen to the world and know its power and their own limits; how to listen to their own feelings and respect them, and how to express them, to find their voices, and to know the importance of honesty and of keeping one's word. They need to learn how to listen to and respect the feelings of others..."*

Fathers or, if necessary, their male stand-ins can and must provide the needed guidance for their sons. Boys grow up to be men who will enrich or diminish their families (and the world) based on their experiences or lack of it with their fathers.

Dad, your son needs YOU. Now.

*Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn. NY: Hyperion, 1997, p. 269.

Should you hit your children?

2009-01-11T10:31:00.008-05:00

The debate about the corporal punishment is as old as the stick that's used for it. And we are quite emotional when asked about it.

I was with few women recently when one of them brought up the question. The response was immediate and emphatic: Yes! Children need a "light" smack once in awhile when the situation calls for it. For example, one woman said, if my child runs out of the house and into the street, a good smack will let him know not to do it again.

Will he do it again? If the into-the-street incident happens more than once, does one conclude that the child needs harsher punishment or, just maybe, that hitting does not and will not work (my stance)?

I can remember smacking one of my children. Fortunately, it didn't happen more than once. And the shock on her face was something that I'll never forget. I didn't do it again. It was hurtful for both of us.

I believe that we have confused discipline with punishment. Even the psychological tool of time-out has become a form of punishment rather than a helpful cooling-off period.

We need to set firm limits with our children. Limits and authority provide them with a sense of security and predictability. On the other hand, hitting - even if we think that we are doing so without anger - does not convey authority. On the contrary, when we hit our children we indicate that we lack confidence in our own ability to govern.

I came across a beautiful example of parenting, as recalled by the cartoonist Mel Lazarus in an article in the Sunday NY Times of May 28, 1995 entitled, "Angry Fathers."* Here is a summary:

"It was August 1938, at a Catskill Mountains boarding house. One hot Friday afternoon three of us - 9-year-old city boys - got to feeling listless... What we needed, on this unbearably boring afternoon, was some action." We decided to make our mark on the new casino. We picked up a long, wooden bench and used it as a battering ram, bashing it into a wall. Pretty soon, there was hardly a good square of sheetrock left.

Suddenly, the owner appeared in the doorway. He was furious. When they arrived from the city that night, he would tell our fathers! By six o'clock he stood at the driveway, grimly waiting for the fathers to start showing up. The first one, when he heard, took off his belt and viciously whipped his screaming son. The second knocked his son off his feet and, as the boy lay crying on the grass, kicked him. I wondered: What will my father do?

When my father came and was told what happened, I watched him follow the owner into the casino. When they emerged, my father stared at me for a long moment without expression. Then he got into his car and drove away! Where was he going?

An hour later my father came back. Tied onto the top of his car was a stack of huge sheetrock boards. Without a word, he untied it and one by one carried the boards into the casino. He spent the night there. All night long I could hear the banging of my father's hammer. I couldn't sleep, knowing what he was doing.

The next day my father didn't say a single word about the night before. We had a regular day, he, my mother and I.

"Was he mad at me? You bet he was. But in a time when many of his generation saw corporal punishment of their children as a G-d-given right, he knew "spanking" as beating, and beating as criminal. And that when kids were beaten, they always remembered the pain but often forgot the reason."

"I never forgot that my vandalism on that August afternoon was outrageous. And I'll never forget that it was also the day I first understood how deeply I could trust him."

*Quoted in Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn, NY: Hyperion,1997,pp. 58-62.