Boundaries
What are the proper boundaries between parents and children? There are general rules and then there are specifics that are unique to each family. The general rules pertain to the origins of the family. The couple is the foundation of the family and their marital relationship is therefore the primary one. Even as the family grows, with children or stepchildren, the couple needs to set aside time and energy for themselves. This is easier said than done. Many spouses make an appointment with each other (!) in order to have private time together that is separate from their responsibilities as parents.
The second relationship that occurs in the family is that between parents and a child. Obviously the nature of the relationship depends on the age(s) of the child(ren). Yet this relationship does not in any way supersede the first; the couple remains a separate entity. There are several consequences to this structure: 1) No matter how close the parents wish to be with their child, they need to maintain a certain boundary between their adult world and the child's world; 2) the child needs to have his or her own private space, no matter how small, to engage in play alone or with friends; and 3) the parents are most effective when they work together as a team when they discipline a child, even if they disagree in private.
Many boundaries have been broken in recent years, and children are exposed to much information at a very early age. When we talk to children about adult matters one must be aware of a child's developmental as well as chronological age. Is the topic appropriate? If it is, how much should we say? These are the specifics that are unique to each family. The best way to judge is not by society's standards but by the child himself or herself. If one notices that a young child is either anxious or obsessively curious about a certain adult subject, then it's time to limit that child's exposure. Encourage the child to engage in more peer-oriented activities and play. There's plenty of time to grow up.
As always, feel free to share your observations and comments.
The second relationship that occurs in the family is that between parents and a child. Obviously the nature of the relationship depends on the age(s) of the child(ren). Yet this relationship does not in any way supersede the first; the couple remains a separate entity. There are several consequences to this structure: 1) No matter how close the parents wish to be with their child, they need to maintain a certain boundary between their adult world and the child's world; 2) the child needs to have his or her own private space, no matter how small, to engage in play alone or with friends; and 3) the parents are most effective when they work together as a team when they discipline a child, even if they disagree in private.
Many boundaries have been broken in recent years, and children are exposed to much information at a very early age. When we talk to children about adult matters one must be aware of a child's developmental as well as chronological age. Is the topic appropriate? If it is, how much should we say? These are the specifics that are unique to each family. The best way to judge is not by society's standards but by the child himself or herself. If one notices that a young child is either anxious or obsessively curious about a certain adult subject, then it's time to limit that child's exposure. Encourage the child to engage in more peer-oriented activities and play. There's plenty of time to grow up.
As always, feel free to share your observations and comments.
posted by Dr. Spiegel at
1:45 PM
2 Comments:
Do you have any suggestions to help a person modify/develop boundaries with family members as the family changes? (e.g. after marriage, after kids grow up?) i.e. Is there any way to make boundary "shifts" go smoother?
thanks; looking forward to your answer.
By
Anonymous, at Tuesday, September 13, 2005
You ask a very important question concerning boundaries. For example, a mother who is close to her child may now find that the child does not seem to be as open as he or she used to be. Yes, there is someone else in the picture.
Boundary "shifts," as you so aptly describe them, are as important to you as they are to the children. A shift means that you are going through a transition from one life stage to another, which in turn involves loss and renewal. You may feel confused, upset or resentful during the transition stage. That is totally normal.
Give yourself time to adjust. To make the transition as smooth as possible, don't try to hold onto your relationships as if they never changed. It won't work. It would be like trying to stop a child from growing up or an adult from growing old. Allow yourself to move on and to develop new connections, both with your children and with your peers. Develop new sources of creativity and use your energy wisely. You will be amazed at how much you have to give.
By
Dr. Spiegel, at Thursday, September 15, 2005
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