The Perfectionist Child

Question: My 6 yr old son is a perfectionist~ if he can't do something well, he gets very upset and wants to quit. He hates to try to ride his bike because he is afraid he will get hurt because he isn't good at it (he's only tried for a couple of weeks total with VERY long breaks in between). We try not to be too demanding, but I do stress to him the importance of trying. He is very mature "talking"~ people often describe him as a little 50 yr old man so often we expect more out of him. We are so frustrated~ he is now saying that he is stupid and dumb and we don't know how to counter this~ we have been extremely encouraging all of his life... can you tell a child he is great too much?

Answer: Your child doesn't sound like he has a "swelled head." Rather he is much too anxious for his age. Being a verbal, bright youngster he has set very high standards for himself and has probably internalized his parents' standards as well.

Your son is afraid to make mistakes, to be less than perfect, because then he might seem like a failure in his eyes. It is important to help him develop the coping skill of learning from - rather than dreading - a mistake.

First of all, examine how you handle your own mistakes. There is no substitute for being an effective role model. Secondly, ease up on all pressure to perform. He'll get back to riding his bike when he feels surer of himself. Thirdly, give him opportunities to perform non-achievement tasks (cooking with Mom is great) and praise him for it. Lastly, when he falls apart don't try to "rescue" him. Ignore his behavior, thereby allowing him to experience and cope with the anxiety and, when he calms down, praise him for getting control of himself. In this way, you're helping him develop emotional "muscle" rather than being his crutch.

An excellent book is Tamar Chansky's Freeing Your Child From Anxiety.