Imperfect Parenting
None of us is perfect. That's axiomatic. Therefore, we cannot expect to be perfect parents. So why do we aim for 100% all the time? Why do we fault ourselves and accept others' judgment about a job that is inherently fraught with difficulties?
We are constantly besieged by the model of the perfect mother. A recent book called "The Holy Woman" describes a woman who, through tememdous effort, works on herself to become the apparently perfect wife and mother. She seems to sacrifice all of her needs in the service of her husband and her adopted children (Unfortunately, she was childless). She epitomizes the idealized woman who sublimates her desires in the service of others. Above all, as the author reiterates numerous times, she presents as a happy person. How did she achieve such happiness, given all of her sacrifices?
Possibly by not dwelling on her mistakes, but rather accepting who she was and committing herself to work on herself further.
Most of us cannot reach such heights of spirituality through self-sacrifice. Instead we would end up feeling resentful and angry. We'd burden others with our unsatisfied needs because we hadn't learned how to take care of ourselves. So I don't recommend self-sacrifice as a modus vivendi for women.
On the other hand, accepting ourselves, recognizing our mistakes as part of the learning rather than as sins to be absolved, is a worthwhile goal. In fact, we become better role models because we make mistakes not in spite of it.
The imperfect mother is a better role model than the perfect one. Can you accept that?
We are constantly besieged by the model of the perfect mother. A recent book called "The Holy Woman" describes a woman who, through tememdous effort, works on herself to become the apparently perfect wife and mother. She seems to sacrifice all of her needs in the service of her husband and her adopted children (Unfortunately, she was childless). She epitomizes the idealized woman who sublimates her desires in the service of others. Above all, as the author reiterates numerous times, she presents as a happy person. How did she achieve such happiness, given all of her sacrifices?
Possibly by not dwelling on her mistakes, but rather accepting who she was and committing herself to work on herself further.
Most of us cannot reach such heights of spirituality through self-sacrifice. Instead we would end up feeling resentful and angry. We'd burden others with our unsatisfied needs because we hadn't learned how to take care of ourselves. So I don't recommend self-sacrifice as a modus vivendi for women.
On the other hand, accepting ourselves, recognizing our mistakes as part of the learning rather than as sins to be absolved, is a worthwhile goal. In fact, we become better role models because we make mistakes not in spite of it.
The imperfect mother is a better role model than the perfect one. Can you accept that?
posted by Dr. Spiegel at
10:39 AM
3 Comments:
Why shouldn't we aim for 100% as long as we're happy with less than that? When I was a student [many years ago], if I studied with the goal of getting 100, I usually got in the 90s. If I decided while studying that 90 is "good enough", I invariably got in the 80s.
I also read the book Holy Woman. It seems to me that the protagonist didn't sublimate her desires; rather she redefined them, so that her greatest desire became the desire to help her husband and others. I think that women often view marriage as "my wants/needs vs. my husband's wants/needs." But really marriage should be about "our wants/needs". If something is important to my husband, then it's important to me as well, and vice versa. That's one lesson I took from this book.
By
Anonymous, at Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Excellent post. I had a horrible day and yelled at my kids (they said dinner was disgusting!) so I yelled at them. Then I felt bad for yelling at them and not being perfect, as I usually try to be a perfect mommy! Your timing for this post was excellent, thanks
By
Anonymous, at Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I like the idea that our mistakes are part of the learning... it's such a nice perspective.
By
Anonymous, at Thursday, July 13, 2006
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