Teaching Responsibility

"How can I get my teenager to help around the house? He doesn't even clean his room, let alone pick up his dirty towels and clothes after taking a shower!"

There's an old Jewish tale of a parent who asked the Rabbi at the time of his child's birth when he should begin teaching his child the proper values. The Rabbi responded, "You're nine months late."

Meaning, it's never to early to begin.

I recently watched a two-year-old take his paper bowl to the sink, spill the milk and throw it in the garbage! I was flabbergasted that such a little child would a) want to do this job and b) be able to follow the steps. But he was a) thrilled and b) felt so proud of himself!

These are the two aspects of teaching responsibility: a) catching the moment when a child looks at a responsibility as something new and exciting to try; and b) using responsibility as a means of becoming competent in an adult-like task.

I think back to when I started including my children in household tasks. One time stands out in my mind: When my child complained that she was bored. She must have been about 8-years-old. I thought to myself at that time, "OK. She's ready to help." And she enjoyed doing so! From then on, she was a part of the family team to a greater or lesser degree.

As we see then, one can begin anywhere from two or three to eight-years-old, and the earlier the better. One always has to consider the child's developmental rather than chronological age, by asking yourself, "What is my child ready for?"

By the time a child becomes a teen, responsibility can be an inherent part of their daily routine.

However, don't despair. It's never too late. But at this age, the teen years, one will necessarily need a different strategy to enlist your child's cooperation than at a younger age.

The most important aspect of working with a teen is the process, i.e., having a respectful conversation about the problem. Don't lose sight of the forest - your relationship with your child - because you're focused on a tree.