Learning to be sad
"I was such a happy child," the young woman told me. "But then, around the age of 12 or so, I realized that no one took me seriously."
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"When I listened to my mother and her friends I heard them say 'oy' all the time and I found that when I did the same they looked at me as grown up."
"You mean you learned to complain?"
"Yes," she responded. "I learned how to be sad."
Young girls are carefree, confident and self-assured. They're quick to voice their opinions and to take risks. Around the age of 11-12 years, however, when they enter middle school, they often begin to lose this self-confidence. They may withdraw, participate less in class and experience social problems.
The girls begin to lose a sense of themselves.
Researchers have documented this loss of self-esteem and concomitant risk for developing psychological problems in girls. The journey into adolescence goes downhill, as girls begin to sacrifice their strengths for peer acceptance and adult approval.
In the worst-case scenario - which happens all too often - preadolescent and adolescent girls use harmful mechanisms to hide and ultimately deny their troubling thoughts and feelings. Some common ones are eating disorders, acting out behaviors and self-mutilation.
Our girls are suffering to please us.
Furthermore, even those girls who do not exhibit serious psychological problems may step back out of fear of the social repercussions of speaking their minds or acting on their wishes. By the time they reach adulthood, these young women may express their feelings through psychosomatic symptoms. They say they "don't feel well" or complain of inexplicable fatigue.
We are sacrificing our most capable children for the sake of our own standing in the community. Can we allow this to continue?
What can we do?
If problems already exist in the family, then it's important to act quickly and seek professional guidance.
If your daughter is still young, then you have the exquisite opportunity to cherish her and build her strengths as you see them and according to your values. Teach her how to think not what to think; how to ask questions not how to memorize the answers; and how to speak up in a timely and appropriate manner, not swallow bitter feelings that will eat her up inside.
Young saplings need to be staked and protected in order to grow straight. But we don't want to weaken their trunks or destroy their roots. Be careful how you handle them. We want them to bend in the wind, not break.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"When I listened to my mother and her friends I heard them say 'oy' all the time and I found that when I did the same they looked at me as grown up."
"You mean you learned to complain?"
"Yes," she responded. "I learned how to be sad."
Young girls are carefree, confident and self-assured. They're quick to voice their opinions and to take risks. Around the age of 11-12 years, however, when they enter middle school, they often begin to lose this self-confidence. They may withdraw, participate less in class and experience social problems.
The girls begin to lose a sense of themselves.
Researchers have documented this loss of self-esteem and concomitant risk for developing psychological problems in girls. The journey into adolescence goes downhill, as girls begin to sacrifice their strengths for peer acceptance and adult approval.
In the worst-case scenario - which happens all too often - preadolescent and adolescent girls use harmful mechanisms to hide and ultimately deny their troubling thoughts and feelings. Some common ones are eating disorders, acting out behaviors and self-mutilation.
Our girls are suffering to please us.
Furthermore, even those girls who do not exhibit serious psychological problems may step back out of fear of the social repercussions of speaking their minds or acting on their wishes. By the time they reach adulthood, these young women may express their feelings through psychosomatic symptoms. They say they "don't feel well" or complain of inexplicable fatigue.
We are sacrificing our most capable children for the sake of our own standing in the community. Can we allow this to continue?
What can we do?
If problems already exist in the family, then it's important to act quickly and seek professional guidance.
If your daughter is still young, then you have the exquisite opportunity to cherish her and build her strengths as you see them and according to your values. Teach her how to think not what to think; how to ask questions not how to memorize the answers; and how to speak up in a timely and appropriate manner, not swallow bitter feelings that will eat her up inside.
Young saplings need to be staked and protected in order to grow straight. But we don't want to weaken their trunks or destroy their roots. Be careful how you handle them. We want them to bend in the wind, not break.
posted by Dr. Spiegel at
9:07 AM
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