Sibling Rivalry 1. Fighting
We expect that all siblings fight, especially brothers. After all, "boys will be boys," we say. Sometimes the level of noise and chaos gets to the point that parents end up yelling at their kids to stop. The children do, for the moment, but then resume their "play" as soon as the parents' attention turns elsewhere.
Here are some thoughts about siblings fighting with each other, with the main focus on its physical expression:
1. Fighting ruins the atmosphere of peace in the house. Although it's natural for boys to be physical and we want them to give back what they get on the playground, they can learn to distinguish between the playground and home. It's like language, indeed it is a language, and we don't want street language in our homes.
2. Fighting/physical interaction can be a form of play, especially among younger children. As such, it's a mutual choice for the players. The question is whether, like other forms of play, it contains boundaries - time and place - of when and where it should occur.
3. Fighting is often a physical expression of frustration. As children get older, however, we want them to use words rather than fists to solve problems. A kick or a fist can be a swift and simple response to any difficulty. It doesn't contain the breadth or complexity of trying to figure out a solution that will result in a win-win situation for all.
4. Fighting can result in one or more children becoming targets or victims, by dint of age or size. The victim, in turn, often becomes aggressive to others less fortunate or to playmates outside the home. As the saying goes, "Children learn what they live."
5. Fighting among boys can have an ill effect on a girl. She becomes a victim but, at the same time, learns the same rules of the game. After all, her brothers are her playmates. A sister needs protection and safety, as well as learning the social rules of the female world.
In sum, it's time to declare a moratorium on physical aggression in our homes and establish a "hands off" rule: We, as parents, don't hit you and you don't hit each other. It may be too much to go "cold turkey" and you might try to experiment for a couple of days or a week at a time (with daily and weekly prizes as incentives).
Here are some thoughts about siblings fighting with each other, with the main focus on its physical expression:
1. Fighting ruins the atmosphere of peace in the house. Although it's natural for boys to be physical and we want them to give back what they get on the playground, they can learn to distinguish between the playground and home. It's like language, indeed it is a language, and we don't want street language in our homes.
2. Fighting/physical interaction can be a form of play, especially among younger children. As such, it's a mutual choice for the players. The question is whether, like other forms of play, it contains boundaries - time and place - of when and where it should occur.
3. Fighting is often a physical expression of frustration. As children get older, however, we want them to use words rather than fists to solve problems. A kick or a fist can be a swift and simple response to any difficulty. It doesn't contain the breadth or complexity of trying to figure out a solution that will result in a win-win situation for all.
4. Fighting can result in one or more children becoming targets or victims, by dint of age or size. The victim, in turn, often becomes aggressive to others less fortunate or to playmates outside the home. As the saying goes, "Children learn what they live."
5. Fighting among boys can have an ill effect on a girl. She becomes a victim but, at the same time, learns the same rules of the game. After all, her brothers are her playmates. A sister needs protection and safety, as well as learning the social rules of the female world.
In sum, it's time to declare a moratorium on physical aggression in our homes and establish a "hands off" rule: We, as parents, don't hit you and you don't hit each other. It may be too much to go "cold turkey" and you might try to experiment for a couple of days or a week at a time (with daily and weekly prizes as incentives).
posted by Dr. Spiegel at
7:10 AM
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