Turning Points

Do you remember your relationship with your husband before the two of you married? Do you recall the excitement and the desire to please?

What happened to those feelings?

As two people build a family, the energy that was originally directed to each other gets redirected to their children, their work, their home. The tremendous responsibilities that they share can result in their leading parallel lives, as if they were business partners rather than two people who love and want to spend their time together. This process takes place over years not days, and is so gradual that the couple is unaware of the disintegration of their relationship until it is too late.

It doesn't have to be that way.

When you are ready, take the following steps:

#1: Notice if you feel distant from your spouse. Do you enjoy the time you have together? Do you share your thoughts and feelings with each other?

#2: Observe your spouse's behavior. Does he or she seek you out? Does your spouse look happy and, if not, are you there to listen to the problems?

#3: Are you feeling happy? If not, what is missing from your life?

IMPORTANT: It is all too easy to blame one's spouse for one's own unhappiness. When you stop depending on other people or circumstances for your happiness, you have reached a turning point in your life. You can decide, consciously and with all the strength that you can muster, to take charge of your own happiness. This means looking inward, rather than outward, for the impediment to your feeling happy. Only then can you develop an action plan to climb out of the hole into which you've fallen.

#4: Seek out friends who have the same culture, language and innate ability to understand your feelings. They will not replace a spouse; rather they will enhance your marital relationship by providing a listening ear to much of the unessential baggage that we load unto our spouses. Similarly, friends are good company for mundane errands that take up a good portion of our days.

#5: Once you have attained a greater sense of contentment, you are now ready to reignite your relationship. Pour in the fuel of excitement and hopefulness that was there is the beginning. Focus on how you can light the fire of love once again.

Final Step: Remember that even the best lit fire dies out unless you watch and maintain it. A good fire is tame yet beautiful to behold. It warms the body and soul during the cold winter days.