Women's Midlife Crisis
It's about time. We can publicly discuss a rite of passage for women that is as prevalent as that for males.
Our young adult years are filled with daily obligations and we tend not to think about what direction our lives are taking. We stay on the bandwagon fulfilling everyone's needs until something shakes us out our lethargy. Only then do we stop what we're doing to question, "Does my family really appreciate my sacrifices all these years? What do I want in life?"
These questions may percolate beneath the surface for decades until we confront 1) a milestone in our life, such as turning 40 or 50; 2) a time of transition, as when our youngest child enters adolescence or leaves home, no longer needing our physical presence to the same degree; or 3)a serious crisis, such as the pain of illness or the specter of divorce.
Any or all of these events may lead to feelings of anger, bitterness and even hopelessness. As one woman exclaimed, "I've given in throughout my life and I've had enough!"
We may shout, "I Am Woman" and cry out, "Enough is enough!", but no one can give us the power to change our lives except ourselves.
In a recent article in the Wall St. Journal entitled, Have a Nice Midlife Crisis, reporter Sue Shellenbarger describes what happens when women enter "the age of dissatisfaction." Some view this time as a crisis that can "justify reckless, self-indulgent behavior." Other midlife women, "more mindful than their parents about the psychological perils of middle age... are anticipating midlife unrest and trying to turn it to positive ends."
"A growing number of researchers are defining middle age more broadly and in positive terms," writes Shellenbarger, "as a good time to reassess life goals and chart a new course." She quotes an article in the Harvard Business Review, which drew thousands of emails in response according to its co-author Carlos Strenger, an associate professor of psychology at Tel Aviv University in Israel and a researcher and consultant on midlife change: "Midlife is your best and last chance to become the real you."
The issues are not new. Over sixty years ago, Pearl S. Buck, stated,
When we reach midlife, to quote Ms. Buck, "Once the what is decided, the how always follows. We must not make the how an excuse for not facing and accepting the what" (p. 79).
In other words, once we express our pain of what is missing, we are ready to define what we need and move on. At that point, we can throw the baby out with the bath water or filter out the bad and keep the good.
One's Midlife Crisis can become one's Midlife Opportunity.
*To My Daughters with Love, by Buck, Pearl S. (NY: The John Day Co.,1949), p. 79.
Our young adult years are filled with daily obligations and we tend not to think about what direction our lives are taking. We stay on the bandwagon fulfilling everyone's needs until something shakes us out our lethargy. Only then do we stop what we're doing to question, "Does my family really appreciate my sacrifices all these years? What do I want in life?"
These questions may percolate beneath the surface for decades until we confront 1) a milestone in our life, such as turning 40 or 50; 2) a time of transition, as when our youngest child enters adolescence or leaves home, no longer needing our physical presence to the same degree; or 3)a serious crisis, such as the pain of illness or the specter of divorce.
Any or all of these events may lead to feelings of anger, bitterness and even hopelessness. As one woman exclaimed, "I've given in throughout my life and I've had enough!"
We may shout, "I Am Woman" and cry out, "Enough is enough!", but no one can give us the power to change our lives except ourselves.
In a recent article in the Wall St. Journal entitled, Have a Nice Midlife Crisis, reporter Sue Shellenbarger describes what happens when women enter "the age of dissatisfaction." Some view this time as a crisis that can "justify reckless, self-indulgent behavior." Other midlife women, "more mindful than their parents about the psychological perils of middle age... are anticipating midlife unrest and trying to turn it to positive ends."
"A growing number of researchers are defining middle age more broadly and in positive terms," writes Shellenbarger, "as a good time to reassess life goals and chart a new course." She quotes an article in the Harvard Business Review, which drew thousands of emails in response according to its co-author Carlos Strenger, an associate professor of psychology at Tel Aviv University in Israel and a researcher and consultant on midlife change: "Midlife is your best and last chance to become the real you."
The issues are not new. Over sixty years ago, Pearl S. Buck, stated,
Woman is in a predicament in our modern world. Man is no longer holding her back. He is urging her on. The day of our grandmothers, and even our mothers, is over. There is nothing for women to rebel against, and many of them are frightened and trying to find shelter and excuse in being "just a housewife." The responsibility is terrifying now that they can be whatever they wish to be.*
When we reach midlife, to quote Ms. Buck, "Once the what is decided, the how always follows. We must not make the how an excuse for not facing and accepting the what" (p. 79).
In other words, once we express our pain of what is missing, we are ready to define what we need and move on. At that point, we can throw the baby out with the bath water or filter out the bad and keep the good.
One's Midlife Crisis can become one's Midlife Opportunity.
*To My Daughters with Love, by Buck, Pearl S. (NY: The John Day Co.,1949), p. 79.
posted by Dr. Spiegel at
4:11 PM
5 Comments:
Lovely article, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.
By
Michael Jibunor, at Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Women and MLC is not well-publized, nor is there sufficient treatment advice for husbands with spouses going through MLC. My wife's MLC was likely caused by our son moving out after graduating high school, combined with the 40th birthday approaching. She now spends every waking moment with our teenage daughter to the point that she is in her bedroom from the time she gets home until the time she goes to bed. She has gone from a size 6 to a size 0. She no longer sleeps in our bed, but spends the night in our guest room. And basically has told me that while she still loves me, she lacks any other feelings for me. Our marriage is essentially over. This has been going on for about 6 months. So my only option at this point is to wait the other 18 months to two more years until she comes out of this? I love her with all my heart and don't want to lose her. Seems like I already have. Is there anything I can do??
By
Anonymous, at Thursday, January 21, 2010
I hear your concern and would be happy to respond. Please forward your question to me through the "Ask Dr. Spiegel" button on my website.
By
Dr. Spiegel, at Sunday, January 24, 2010
My wife is going through much the same as Anonymous of January 21, 2010. So many changes in so little time! She has sought help, I hope it is the help she needs.
I found this interesting piece which I share:
Helping Women Cope with a Midlife Crisis
A woman’s emotional needs are significantly different than that of an individual in a male midlife crisis. It stands to reason then that midlife crisis treatment and coping strategies will differ as well. The following represents several strategies that have helped women cope with their midlife crisis.
Finding greater balance. Women who strike a balance between work and family early in their midlife crisis are more likely to make it through the period with relatively sound emotional health.
Exploring new things. If a woman is more willing to explore new directions in her life then she will be less likely to act impulsively as a result of her midlife crisis. By trying new hobbies, continuing her education and other mental pursuits she will lessen the impact of the crisis.
Maintaining communication with her partner. An open, honest relationship with one’s spouse creates a healthier environment that will keep a mid-life crisis from taking hold.
I maintain the third point about COMMUNICATION is the MOST important of all.
By
Anonymous, at Monday, February 22, 2010
Thank you for your comment and observations.
By
Dr. Spiegel, at Monday, February 22, 2010
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