Blame

A little boy I evaluated defined "blame" as "tell someone they have to do something." Is that the message we convey to our children when we direct them to brush their teeth, do their homework, or get ready for bed? Do we blame them -- or shame them --into obedience?

Too often we confuse obedience with respect. We want our children to revere us but may fool ourselves into thinking that submissive behavior means respect.

Alternatively, compliant behavior may denote fear of disapproval and punishment. Inside, an obedient child may not respect the parent but rather harbor feelings of anger which could emerge years later.

HOW we instruct our children is the crucial ingredient. The process is as important as the end result.

Behavior is the outward "result" of our instructions, while emotions are the child's inner thoughts and feelings. They are separate entities. Don't confuse the two.