Take & Give
The most common theme of this holiday season is "give." That's a wonderful idea and the more we give the better we feel.
But there is one major prerequisite to the ability to give.
The necessity of taking, first.
Developmentally we humans take before we give. Newborns are full-time takers. Normal development rests on the experience of being given to; when we meet our babies' needs they return the favor, so to speak, with smiles, cooing, and ultimately conversing in our language.
Children who are deprived - i.e., they have not been given to in a way that meets their emotional or physical needs - are unable to give. They may become possessive of their toys, easily angered and extremely jealous of their siblings. Because they never seem satisfied with what they get, we may conclude that these children are too self-centered to think of others. In fact, their emotional account is empty; they need more deposits before they can yield any dividends.
Similarly, when women - the majority of whom are taught from a young age to think of others before themselves - constantly give to their families without taking time for themselves, they end up feeling unappreciated and resentful that no one thinks of them.
Giving is by definition an act that is voluntary and without expectation of compensation. I will emphasize this point: True giving means not expecting something in return. To give, therefore, one must have the necessary reserves. Giving from an emotional overflow is healthy; giving that depletes one emotionally is not.
So in this season of giving, remember to replenish yourself first. This recommendation doesn't mean filling up your coffers with the latest fashion design. Rather, listen to your heart and feel what's missing. Once you take what you need from the world, you'll be able to give back tenfold.
But there is one major prerequisite to the ability to give.
The necessity of taking, first.
Developmentally we humans take before we give. Newborns are full-time takers. Normal development rests on the experience of being given to; when we meet our babies' needs they return the favor, so to speak, with smiles, cooing, and ultimately conversing in our language.
Children who are deprived - i.e., they have not been given to in a way that meets their emotional or physical needs - are unable to give. They may become possessive of their toys, easily angered and extremely jealous of their siblings. Because they never seem satisfied with what they get, we may conclude that these children are too self-centered to think of others. In fact, their emotional account is empty; they need more deposits before they can yield any dividends.
Similarly, when women - the majority of whom are taught from a young age to think of others before themselves - constantly give to their families without taking time for themselves, they end up feeling unappreciated and resentful that no one thinks of them.
Giving is by definition an act that is voluntary and without expectation of compensation. I will emphasize this point: True giving means not expecting something in return. To give, therefore, one must have the necessary reserves. Giving from an emotional overflow is healthy; giving that depletes one emotionally is not.
So in this season of giving, remember to replenish yourself first. This recommendation doesn't mean filling up your coffers with the latest fashion design. Rather, listen to your heart and feel what's missing. Once you take what you need from the world, you'll be able to give back tenfold.
posted by Dr. Spiegel at
3:53 PM
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