Suffering a Loss
People who walk through the door of my office have suffered a loss. That is the reason they come. They seek information or solace; then they need assistance in moving forward.
Their loss may be physical, emotional or both. They may be suffering from trauma and its resultant loss of trust. They may be in the midst of losing a relationship. They may be coping with illness and fear of death. Alternatively, their loss may be psychological; a result of being informed that their child suffers from - you name it - a learning disability, illness, emotional disorder or other serious problems.
No one goes through life without experiencing loss. At the very least we lose the fulfillment of part or all of our youthful dreams.
Thus it is essential to take time to grieve. We cannot move on without doing so. The world for the moment must stop, as we evaluate and acknowledge what we have lost. That is the process of Shiva, the seven days in which a Jew leaves work and family to grieve over the death of an immediate relative. During this time one does not focus on the living but on the dead; not on achievement but on regret; not on the present or future but on the past.
Even the British government took time out to grieve today over the death of young Ivan Cameron, the oldest child of the leader of the Conservative Party. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown - who also lost an infant - acknowledged the universal feelings of parents when he stated, "Every child is precious and irreplaceable, and the death of a child is an unbearable sorrow that no parent should ever have to endure.”
We Americans are often afraid of sadness. We may avoid it or pathologize it and then try to cure it. We even try to prevent our children from experiencing sadness.
Yet an essential aspect of maturity is the ability to express sadness as well as joy; to view and accept life in all its complexity, with its challenges as well as rewards. Psychologists have found that the mature person is one who acknowledges loss, but is not consumed by it.*
We stand in silence for two minutes to memorialize the fallen and sit Shiva for seven days to mourn one's dead. Then we move on. The ultimate challenge is to transform the losses in one's life into "sources of deep gratitude."**
How we can accomplish this superhuman task will be discussed at another time.
Meanwhile, please accept my support and understanding. I, too, have experienced loss.
*King, Laura A. & Hicks, Joshua A. Whatever Happened to "What Might Have Been"? Regrets, Happiness, and Maturity. American Psychologist, Vol. 62, No. 7, 625-636.
**Ibid, p. 631.
Their loss may be physical, emotional or both. They may be suffering from trauma and its resultant loss of trust. They may be in the midst of losing a relationship. They may be coping with illness and fear of death. Alternatively, their loss may be psychological; a result of being informed that their child suffers from - you name it - a learning disability, illness, emotional disorder or other serious problems.
No one goes through life without experiencing loss. At the very least we lose the fulfillment of part or all of our youthful dreams.
Thus it is essential to take time to grieve. We cannot move on without doing so. The world for the moment must stop, as we evaluate and acknowledge what we have lost. That is the process of Shiva, the seven days in which a Jew leaves work and family to grieve over the death of an immediate relative. During this time one does not focus on the living but on the dead; not on achievement but on regret; not on the present or future but on the past.
Even the British government took time out to grieve today over the death of young Ivan Cameron, the oldest child of the leader of the Conservative Party. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown - who also lost an infant - acknowledged the universal feelings of parents when he stated, "Every child is precious and irreplaceable, and the death of a child is an unbearable sorrow that no parent should ever have to endure.”
We Americans are often afraid of sadness. We may avoid it or pathologize it and then try to cure it. We even try to prevent our children from experiencing sadness.
Yet an essential aspect of maturity is the ability to express sadness as well as joy; to view and accept life in all its complexity, with its challenges as well as rewards. Psychologists have found that the mature person is one who acknowledges loss, but is not consumed by it.*
We stand in silence for two minutes to memorialize the fallen and sit Shiva for seven days to mourn one's dead. Then we move on. The ultimate challenge is to transform the losses in one's life into "sources of deep gratitude."**
How we can accomplish this superhuman task will be discussed at another time.
Meanwhile, please accept my support and understanding. I, too, have experienced loss.
*King, Laura A. & Hicks, Joshua A. Whatever Happened to "What Might Have Been"? Regrets, Happiness, and Maturity. American Psychologist, Vol. 62, No. 7, 625-636.
**Ibid, p. 631.
posted by Dr. Spiegel at
8:22 PM
2 Comments:
Thank you for your ability into delving into the most challenging issues that people face and bring clarity and direction. This was a very beautiful and poignant piece.
Perhaps you could present some tips on how to approach someone who is sitting shiva or in the midst of grieving. Espcially if it is for a child.
Thank you,
By
Anonymous, at Thursday, February 26, 2009
There are times in life when silence is most appropriate. This is one of them. Your presence is valued by the mourner; you need not say anything unless you are addressed.
By
Dr. Spiegel, at Friday, February 27, 2009
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