Marriage Feast

The table is set
waiting for its guests.
Shall we sit down and
savor the repast
or walk away empty,
feeling deprived?
The choice is ours,
to enjoy or destroy.
The choice is ours.

Most couples don't realize they can choose how to react to the difficulties in their relationship. Too often, each spouse blames the other for the pain that results from feeling attacked and/or maligned.

Yet the venue of a marital relationship provides the potential for tremendous individual growth and relationship depth (see NY Times article). It is neither a simple nor easy process and many people, hopeless from the start, don't give it a try.

To develop a strong relationship each spouse needs to be truthful, courageous and committed. With these essential elements, however, the couple can learn how to mix and blend their personalities. They can study the recipe and, alone or with the help of an experienced chef, learn how to use their natural flavors and unique ingredients to create a luscious, long-lasting feast.

Preparing a healthy meal is time-consuming and labor intensive. There are no short-cuts.

Chicken Sauce

In a hurry to get supper on the table, I opened the refrigerator to see what I could find. I was relieved to see a package of leftover chicken sitting wrapped in aluminum foil on a shelf. Quickly, I grabbed the package. As soon as I did I noticed the sauce it left behind.

It wasn't much, this spot of sauce on the otherwise clean plexiglas shelf. I could leave it till the next time I cleaned the frig. But it had already started to congeal. Without the package of chicken covering it I knew that 1) the sauce would harden further and 2) it would dirty anything else that's put on top of it.

To clean now, when I'm already late, or let it go for another time?

How often we have this dilemma! Should we take care of that annoying little problem in our life now, when we have so much else to do, or postpone attending to it until we have another opportunity? Avoiding the problem when it's "soft" so to speak gives it a chance to harden; dealing with it later will require more time and effort. And we hope nothing else will be affected by it. But the problem is hardly noticeable. We already have so much to do; we just want to get on with our lives and close the door to the dirt inside.

When will we stop the clock and open the door to inspect what lay within?

Take & Give

The most common theme of this holiday season is "give." That's a wonderful idea and the more we give the better we feel.

But there is one major prerequisite to the ability to give.

The necessity of taking, first.

Developmentally we humans take before we give. Newborns are full-time takers. Normal development rests on the experience of being given to; when we meet our babies' needs they return the favor, so to speak, with smiles, cooing, and ultimately conversing in our language.

Children who are deprived - i.e., they have not been given to in a way that meets their emotional or physical needs - are unable to give. They may become possessive of their toys, easily angered and extremely jealous of their siblings. Because they never seem satisfied with what they get, we may conclude that these children are too self-centered to think of others. In fact, their emotional account is empty; they need more deposits before they can yield any dividends.

Similarly, when women - the majority of whom are taught from a young age to think of others before themselves - constantly give to their families without taking time for themselves, they end up feeling unappreciated and resentful that no one thinks of them.

Giving is by definition an act that is voluntary and without expectation of compensation. I will emphasize this point: True giving means not expecting something in return. To give, therefore, one must have the necessary reserves. Giving from an emotional overflow is healthy; giving that depletes one emotionally is not.

So in this season of giving, remember to replenish yourself first. This recommendation doesn't mean filling up your coffers with the latest fashion design. Rather, listen to your heart and feel what's missing. Once you take what you need from the world, you'll be able to give back tenfold.

Grandparenting

I always thought being a grandparent was about presents. I've learned that the essence of grandparenting is presence.

Sure, the kids love and hope to receive presents from us. So, one might think, we can give them toys, gifts or money and our relationship is secure.

Not so.

What both creates and cements a relationship is the interaction that takes place between two people. This goes for any relationship. Consider other family relationships - a husband who spends his days and nights at the office may try to compensate with flowers or jewelry; nice but it doesn't cut it. Gifts don't create intimacy. A father who doesn't see his children will soon find that when he asks them, "How's school?" they'll respond, "Fine," and walk away. Presents cannot substitute for presence.

So to be a grandparent I need to be present in my children and grandchildren's lives. And how to do so is an ongoing learning experience.

I'm learning what to say and when to say it
when to express my opinion and when to hold still
how to play and allow others to do the work,
just enjoy - let others be responsible!

It's a new stage in life
and, although my part is small,
I'm still part of the drama
waiting to be called
by little ones who know my name
help me learn my lines
and teach me their games
with love.

Sibling Rivalry 2. Jealousy

We can't eradicate the jealousy that stems from having siblings. It existed from the beginning of time and will continue to do so as long as there is more than one child in a family.

We can, however, try to minimize the rivalry among our children by:

• Setting rules about behavior, such as what I described in my previous blog.

• Giving incentives and consequences. One nice incentive is a "good deed" jar which gets filled each time a child manifests a positive social behavior to a sibling. When it's filled, everyone gets the prize. It's nice because it's collaborative and the children see concrete progress towards the goal.

• Structuring the situation - planning who does what when - until they're able to handle more freedom without fighting.

• Stopping a fight and, if the protagonists are sufficiently calm, modeling 1) verbal expression of emotions by saying, for example, "You seem bored" or "you're hungry, let's go eat;" and 2) problem-solving: "What's the problem here? You both seem to want... " Then brainstorm with them different ideas, even silly ones, to help them think more broadly. Verbalizing needs and wants is crucial to problem-solving and emotional maturity; ironically, sibling rivalry provides many teachable moments.

You can learn more about sibling rivalry at Siblings Are Forever: Strategies to Minimize Rivalry.

Sibling Rivalry 1. Fighting

We expect that all siblings fight, especially brothers. After all, "boys will be boys," we say. Sometimes the level of noise and chaos gets to the point that parents end up yelling at their kids to stop. The children do, for the moment, but then resume their "play" as soon as the parents' attention turns elsewhere.

Here are some thoughts about siblings fighting with each other, with the main focus on its physical expression:

1. Fighting ruins the atmosphere of peace in the house. Although it's natural for boys to be physical and we want them to give back what they get on the playground, they can learn to distinguish between the playground and home. It's like language, indeed it is a language, and we don't want street language in our homes.

2. Fighting/physical interaction can be a form of play, especially among younger children. As such, it's a mutual choice for the players. The question is whether, like other forms of play, it contains boundaries - time and place - of when and where it should occur.

3. Fighting is often a physical expression of frustration. As children get older, however, we want them to use words rather than fists to solve problems. A kick or a fist can be a swift and simple response to any difficulty. It doesn't contain the breadth or complexity of trying to figure out a solution that will result in a win-win situation for all.

4. Fighting can result in one or more children becoming targets or victims, by dint of age or size. The victim, in turn, often becomes aggressive to others less fortunate or to playmates outside the home. As the saying goes, "Children learn what they live."

5. Fighting among boys can have an ill effect on a girl. She becomes a victim but, at the same time, learns the same rules of the game. After all, her brothers are her playmates. A sister needs protection and safety, as well as learning the social rules of the female world.

In sum, it's time to declare a moratorium on physical aggression in our homes and establish a "hands off" rule: We, as parents, don't hit you and you don't hit each other. It may be too much to go "cold turkey" and you might try to experiment for a couple of days or a week at a time (with daily and weekly prizes as incentives).

Voices from the Past

We humans are thinking creatures. We do not usually act reflexively, except in times of danger when our autonomic system takes over and we fight or flee.

Our thoughts, conscious or not, determine our actions. We are not often aware of the influence of our thoughts because the process is so automatic. If we do stop, however, we'll notice our thoughts; they seem to have a life of their own, as if we're haunted by voices. The voices filter, judge and determine what we attend to in the present, and they are helpful or harmful, depending on how connected they are to reality.

So it was with pleasant surprise that I heard some real voices from the past. The alumnae of my high school have reconnected, in anticipation of an upcoming reunion.

How wonderful it is to hear the voices of those who knew me when I was young. Eager to see each other, to exchange details about the multivarious trajectories of our lives, we are contacting each other from near and far.

And so we can listen to the voices of friends who celebrate our endurance and luck in getting this far in life's marathon, or to the inner voices that present life as a haunted house.

I for one never liked adventure parks. I prefer reality.