Criticism: How to Face It
I stood stock-still, paralyzed by fright. The tightly curled body was topped by a broad, triangular head with protruding eyes. Its forked tongue flicked up and down in front of me; was it going to strike?
When I stepped through the portal of graduate school I felt as if I had entered a den of snakes. Some of the professors seemed to slither around the students, feeding on our blood. Their poison could destroy our self-esteem.
I was always on guard, fearing for my psychological safety. When I became engaged to be married after my first year in the doctoral program, one reptile offered me condolences instead of congratulations.
It was hard to distinguish among the venomous and nonvenomous serpents. From afar they all looked and sounded alike. It took experience and much inner work for me to to master who was harmful and who not.
Until that time I did not know how to bear the sting of criticism. On the one hand, I had excellent grades for most of my school years and was used to praise, not disapproval. On the other, when I was criticized it was often via a label such as selfish, spoiled, or stupid.
Hence, when a professor criticized my doctoral thesis or research proposal, I felt as if there was something wrong with me not my work. It didn't seem fixable and I would become hopeless.
It took years for me to understand that criticism could be useful; that it could mean scholarly analysis and interpretation, not censure; that I could even learn more from criticism than from compliments!
Criticism, in other words, can be constructive. The best educators provide timely and specific negative feedback with useful strategies for skill improvement, support and encouragement.* Students are then given the tools they need to succeed and meet their academic goals.
On the other hand, when criticism focuses on the person rather than the behavior or task at hand it can be destructive and frightening, especially when the one criticized is less powerful than the critic. Thus children, students at all educational levels and patients or clients are vulnerable and capable of being hurt by our words. We need to safeguard them until they are able to protect themselves.
The ability to hear criticism and learn from it is an acquired skill. It takes moral strength and courage to learn how to tame a snake. But it can be done.
One approach to dealing with verbal attacks is outlined by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication. He suggests that we interpret criticism as the critic's unmet need. Thus a woman who complains to her husband, "You don't love me!" is essentially saying, "I have a need for attention, time by myself, etc." In this case, as in many others, the woman is clumsily stating her needs and requesting help in fulfilling them.
Similarly, if a client gets upset with therapy or coaching results, I try to listen for an unmet need. By doing so I can hear a new direction for me to follow. For example, if someone says, "You're not telling me what to do!" I try to hear what the person needs - security and support - and respond, "Let's figure out a plan together." My response may or may not meet their need, but at least I'm listening and responding empathetically rather than defensively to their reproof.
I no longer fear verbal attacks. Snakes, once defanged, are beautiful.
*The Benefits of Criticism.
When I stepped through the portal of graduate school I felt as if I had entered a den of snakes. Some of the professors seemed to slither around the students, feeding on our blood. Their poison could destroy our self-esteem.
I was always on guard, fearing for my psychological safety. When I became engaged to be married after my first year in the doctoral program, one reptile offered me condolences instead of congratulations.
It was hard to distinguish among the venomous and nonvenomous serpents. From afar they all looked and sounded alike. It took experience and much inner work for me to to master who was harmful and who not.
Until that time I did not know how to bear the sting of criticism. On the one hand, I had excellent grades for most of my school years and was used to praise, not disapproval. On the other, when I was criticized it was often via a label such as selfish, spoiled, or stupid.
Hence, when a professor criticized my doctoral thesis or research proposal, I felt as if there was something wrong with me not my work. It didn't seem fixable and I would become hopeless.
It took years for me to understand that criticism could be useful; that it could mean scholarly analysis and interpretation, not censure; that I could even learn more from criticism than from compliments!
Criticism, in other words, can be constructive. The best educators provide timely and specific negative feedback with useful strategies for skill improvement, support and encouragement.* Students are then given the tools they need to succeed and meet their academic goals.
On the other hand, when criticism focuses on the person rather than the behavior or task at hand it can be destructive and frightening, especially when the one criticized is less powerful than the critic. Thus children, students at all educational levels and patients or clients are vulnerable and capable of being hurt by our words. We need to safeguard them until they are able to protect themselves.
The ability to hear criticism and learn from it is an acquired skill. It takes moral strength and courage to learn how to tame a snake. But it can be done.
One approach to dealing with verbal attacks is outlined by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication. He suggests that we interpret criticism as the critic's unmet need. Thus a woman who complains to her husband, "You don't love me!" is essentially saying, "I have a need for attention, time by myself, etc." In this case, as in many others, the woman is clumsily stating her needs and requesting help in fulfilling them.
Similarly, if a client gets upset with therapy or coaching results, I try to listen for an unmet need. By doing so I can hear a new direction for me to follow. For example, if someone says, "You're not telling me what to do!" I try to hear what the person needs - security and support - and respond, "Let's figure out a plan together." My response may or may not meet their need, but at least I'm listening and responding empathetically rather than defensively to their reproof.
I no longer fear verbal attacks. Snakes, once defanged, are beautiful.
*The Benefits of Criticism.
posted by Dr. Spiegel at
2:53 PM
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