What kind of WIFE are you?

Are you a woman who is trying to change her husband? That's the typical stereotype and it does describe many of us. How did we get into this position and how - if we want - can we get out of it?

A woman who tends to be a "fix-it" person may want to fix everything and everyone around her. The problem with that stance is that other people, unlike objects, do not want to be fixed!

So we are destined to fail at our objective.

Instead we're liable to create acrimony and poor marital relations. So why do we persist?

We may have the fantasy that 1) our husbands will become our Romeos and 2) our nagging, reminders, and persistence will have an effect.

Neither is true. Because every person has a need for autonomy, he will choose how he wants to live. Moreover, his self-image is at stake. Criticism of any kind threatens that self-image.

If you want to change your interactions and create more harmonious relations, then focus on yourself. Learn how to increase your happiness, take responsibility for yourself, and develop compassion for the human being beside you. You may find that you like him after all.

Practicing Assertiveness

My whole-house vacuum cleaner suddenly stopped working yesterday, as I was in the middle of using it. I called the service company to troubleshoot before asking (and paying) for service.

The young woman told me to check the tripper. I did and found nothing wrong. Likewise, the plug and outlet seemed ok. So I called and asked for service. They accommodated me and actually came the same day.

What was the problem? The reset button had been automatically tripped and all I had to do was press it. Cost = $75.

My first impulse was to pay for it and feel dumb at the waste of money. Then I stopped myself. I had called first to troubleshoot and was not told to try resetting it. I began to protest.

I was informed, "Well, she's not a mechanic, you know. She just answers the phone!"

"Then she should have told me that," I replied, " and I could have asked to speak to someone who knows the machine."

While the serviceman is writing out the bill in his truck, I proceed to call the young woman back and let her know the problem. She said she'll speak to her boss.

When I refuse to pay, the technician calls the boss on his cell phone (That was nice; I had immediate access to the Boss). I hear him complaining loudly, "She asked for service and we came. I don't need this bull----!" I stopped listening.

He put the Boss on the phone, who said that when the tripper shuts off the machine so quickly it may indicate that the motor is going. Since this is an old unit his explanation makes sense. I reply, "Your serviceman did not tell me that. If I have to get another motor, I don't want to pay for this service call as well."

"OK," he replies. "Let me speak to him."

End of the matter: The serviceman takes the motor back with him to check it out, and they waive the service fee.

I feel validated, even though I may end up paying for a new motor (which will obviously cost more than $75). I have several concluding thoughts:

1. I am really glad that I did not just do "what I was told" and instead voiced my opinion.

2. The Boss is clearly a good businessman, in a win-win situation. By waiving the service fee he kept his customer and most likely will sell a new motor.

3. Learning to assert myself means trusting my gut feelings.

4. Because I felt good about the transaction, I was able to say to the serviceman in the end,
"Thank you for your service. I am an old customer and I trust your work." We both left feeling validated.