Common Sense Ruling

The other day I babysat for my infant granddaughter. I had heard of the EASY rule for infants: Eat, Activity, Sleep, Your (the mother's) Time, popularized by Tracy Hogg, in Secrets of The Baby Whisperer : How To Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby. It made sense so I tried it.

After checking that Mom had nursed and changed her, I played with the baby and when she became cranky bundled her up and rocked her to sleep. This method worked twice, although each time the baby slept for only short periods of time. I congratulated myself on doing such a wonderful job following the rule.

Then EASY was no longer so easy. The third time I tried putting the baby to sleep she just wouldn't relax and drift off like she did before. Her cries were persistent. This baby was clearly not ready for sleep. Her cries indicated she needed something else; only after being fed some more did she happily enter somnolence.

We love rules because they allow us to feel in control of an otherwise unpredictable, possibly threatening situation. School officials, for example, make rules for a particular school or for an entire school district. How well do their rules work?

A recent incident involving a 6-year-old boy illustrates the problem. As reported in The NY Times, this Cub Scout was so excited about his new foldable eating utensil containing a fork, spoon and knife that he brought it to school to use during lunch. However, his school had a zero tolerance policy for bringing weapons to school.

The child was suspended and ordered to spend 45 days in a disciplinary school.

He is currently being home-schooled by his mother while his parents challenge the ruling.

Ironically, "a third-grade girl was expelled for a year because her grandmother had sent a birthday cake to school, along with a knife to cut it. The teacher called the principal — but not before using the knife to cut and serve the cake."

Do we need more proof that some rules result in ludicrous, disproportionately negative consequences?

We need to protect our children from harm and unfortunately can no longer assume that our public schools are safe havens. Administrators, to shortcut their oversight over every student, set down certain rules for everyone. But, as a follow-up editorial states, “Use Common Sense" should be at the top of the list for the state.

Another rule, enacted into law by many states, is the controversial three strikes law. This law is meant to deal with repeat offenders. The unforeseen result is the incarceration of individuals convicted of crimes extremely divergent in severity who serve the same prolonged imprisonment.

Rules delude us into thinking we're in charge; we're omniscient and know what to expect; we can prevent mishaps.

It's a myth.

There is no rule book which will cover all situations for every child nor every adult. People are too complex to fit into neat categories.

Instead, we have to work harder and longer to decipher one another's needs and behavior and to set appropriate limits.

Specifically, we have to look and listen, to be vigilant for signals of distress, strong emotions or irrational behavior. Learning how to interpret these signals requires a commitment that few people are willing to make.

Building bridges is slow work. But a strong bridge of communication can withstand the test of time.

Wellness Step #4: Redefining Success

Almost three weeks have passed since my first step into my current wellness program, but I am still at the beginning.

To be honest, I've had more failures than successes, if one counts the number of mornings that I've awakened at the time set by my (two) alarms. I've tried every trick my sleepy head could conjure to avoid getting up and out of bed: I've changed the time to 1/2 hour later; I've shut off the alarm while lying down, rationalizing that I need my sleep; I've justified my lack of follow-through by saying, "It's okay. I'm not perfect. I don't have to keep to such a rigid schedule."

I have learned in the past three weeks that most of us will fight with every ounce of physical and mental energy to maintain old habits and avoid change.

It's time to become more honest with myself. I hope to decide ahead of time whether I will adhere to my goal of awakening early the next morning or not; either way will be acceptable. If I choose the goal of awakening early to take time for myself, I will sit up in bed before shutting off the alarm and will not lay down again. If I choose to take the morning off, I will not set the alarm for an early time but rather the time necessary to meet my responsibilities to others. For some reason, the latter is not a problem.

Responsibility to others has always taken precedence for me. Growing up I was a late riser, as I mentioned in a previous blog, but once I had children or job requirements, I awoke as early as necessary. So how and why did I begin tackling this longstanding habit of mine?

The answer lies in the realization I reached some time ago that I am responsible for my own well-being. In order to reach the state of well-being, however, I needed to undertake wellness activities; namely, healthy eating, sleeping, exercise and rest. After much deliberation, along with years of denial, I finally began. Little by little, in fits and false starts, I approached life in a new way. Each day became an opportunity to do something new, something small.

I have learned to be more patient, to set the bar lower and allow myself more leeway. I still see the goal-post in front of me but I no longer dream of making a touchdown. I am content to make any progress that I can.

This process has indeed taken a long time; not one or two years, but more than a decade of slow, inconsistent yet incremental growth.

I'm a slow changer but that's okay. Every step has been an achievement and I no longer need to reach the end goal. Success is the ability to stay on the path.