The "Space Cadet"

Do you have a child who seems absentminded, forgetful or "spaced out?"

Does that child forget to bring home school books, homework and PTA notices?

Well, that child is not alone.

We now have an astronaut who, walking in space, lost her tools. As reported in today's Wall St. Journal, the astronaut was startled by a noise inside the tool bag, momentarily let go of it and watched as the bag floated away.

So when you're at the end of your rope and don't know what to do, think of sending your child up in space.

You may find that you don't want to let go.

The Prevalence of Negative Parenting

I wait on line at the Costco optical counter and watch the following scene unfold:

The woman next to me seems harassed and tired. She turns to the little girl and says, "Sit down in the cart." The girl sits.

The mother now looks impatiently at the store clerk, who is talking on the telephone. Meanwhile, the little girl stands up again in the empty shopping cart. "I told you to sit down!" says her mother. Again, the child sits.

Finally, the clerk turns to the mother, who proceeds to ask about insurance coverage for contact lenses. This conversation takes several minutes. The inquisitive child now stands up in the cart and looks over the counter. You can guess what happens next.

I am not questioning the mother's actions here in order to attribute blame. Rather, I am struck by the consistency of the pattern being played out before me. The parent pays attention each time her daughter misbehaves, negatively reinforcing that behavior and virtually guaranteeing it would recur.

The mother, in this instance, is neither in the right place nor the right time to examine what's going on between her and her child. On the other hand, it would be nice if she could observe these interactions at home. She might realize that there is another way.

I am truly impressed and admiring of parents who are able to stand outside themselves and choose a more effective style of parenting.

Positive Parenting for Teen Girls

Teen girls are at risk for getting into trouble. When they mature early, that risk is magnified "because they are more likely to be accepted by and form relationships with older boys, who are more likely than younger children to engage in undesirable behaviors."*

What protects these girls from engaging in harmful or delinquent behaviors? Researchers who queried over 300 fifth-grade girls (average age 11 years) found that a warm and nurturing relationship with the mother - whereby the mother was affectionate, they did things together, and the parent knew about her child's friends and how she spent her free time - "may decrease girls' susceptibility to negative peer influence."*

What is the message here?

The extent to which your relationship with your daughter is open, respectful and loving can impact on her ability to cope with future social challenges.

As the researchers state, "by listening to their daughters' difficulties and providing support and encouragement, nurturing parents can help them develop better coping skills and diffuse negative emotions that might otherwise manifest as aggression."

Strengthen her, before her blooms can fade.

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*Arch Pediatric Adolescent Med. 2008;162[8]:781-786

When does "endless" end?

When we are young, we look forward and dream of accomplishment, personal relationships and fulfillment. The world is full of endless possibilities.

When a woman changes and "doesn't ask herself what is possible, but rather what possibilities remain,"* she has crossed the line. She has begun to look back rather than forward.

Looking back causes our world to shrink; looking forward expands it.

Doubting our dreams blows them away; belief restores them.

Getting in touch with yourself means asking yourself, "What do I want? What do I really want?" and not turning to another to find the answer.

"We are always damping down our inner weather, permitting ourselves the comforts of postponement, of rehearsals."**

What are we afraid of? Disapproval, rejection?

We have only one life to live. Our choices will become its script. If we censor ourselves the story will never be told.

Believe and act on your belief. Anything is possible.
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* Shields, Carol. The Stone Diaries (NY: Penguin Books, 1993), P.147.
** Ibid., p.297.