Blame

A little boy I evaluated defined "blame" as "tell someone they have to do something." Is that the message we convey to our children when we direct them to brush their teeth, do their homework, or get ready for bed? Do we blame them -- or shame them --into obedience?

Too often we confuse obedience with respect. We want our children to revere us but may fool ourselves into thinking that submissive behavior means respect.

Alternatively, compliant behavior may denote fear of disapproval and punishment. Inside, an obedient child may not respect the parent but rather harbor feelings of anger which could emerge years later.

HOW we instruct our children is the crucial ingredient. The process is as important as the end result.

Behavior is the outward "result" of our instructions, while emotions are the child's inner thoughts and feelings. They are separate entities. Don't confuse the two.

Parent Power

Whenever we look back with "20-20 hindsight," we're able to discern mistakes that we have made raising our children. Anyone in a position of power, if honest with himself or herself, will be able to pinpoint areas where a different course of action might have led to better results.

On the other hand, to avoid mistakes means to refuse to take charge; essentially, to let someone else take responsibility.

We, as parents -- imperfect and limited as we may be -- have enormous influence on our children's lives.

So, rather than look back, examine what you can do now. You have the power to bring happiness to the world.

Balance

I admire the way some people are able to balance all aspects of their lives. Culturally, many women have been taught that our family or other loved ones come "first." The problem is, we may never get to "second!"

Finding the right balance means putting ourselves within the category of "other people," i.e., examining our needs as if they were someone else's and then meeting those needs as assiduously as we would others.

This does not mean eschewing responsibility. On the contrary, it means taking responsibility for ourselves and not waiting for someone else to do it for us.

Practically, taking care of ourselves may entail getting up earlier or becoming more organized; letting go of half of the things on our lists; and developing better communication skills with our husbands in order to garner support.

The benefits far outweigh the costs.

Stop and Go

How many times have you formulated a goal for yourself -- whether to lose weight, exercise, or move forward in your career -- only to find yourself derailed by your other responsibilities? This happens to most women more often than we admit. Before we know it, our own goals get shelved and we continue living our lives; but with a nagging sense of disquiet, a slow-burning frustration that can explode at any moment. And then our spouses wonder, "What's wrong with you?"

I'm a witness to as well as a player in this "stop and go" phenomenon. I'm here not only to attest to the erratic movement of our lives, but also to state with conviction that we do have the ability to take charge if only we stop waiting for permission to do so. Join me in this endeavor. Tell me what you are doing to be fulfilled and happy in your own life.