Behavioral techniques for a 5-year-old

Question:
I have a very bright 5 year old boy. Lately we have been having problems with him listening. He is very active and sometimes does not think before he acts.
We sent him to vacation school and I had to pick him up early because he was running around and not listening to his teachers. When we punish him, nothing works. We take away TV for the day, send him to his room, etc. He also seems to forget what he has done to get punished.
Can you give me any ideas on how to get him to listen better and do what he is told?

Answer:
It is very easy to get into a negative pattern when a child is misbehaving. As you observed, punishments don't work because, essentially, they are not teaching tools. They may stop the behavior momentarily but the child will not have learned to change his behavior.

The most effective teaching tool is motivational. He is at an appropriate age for using a reward chart (indeed kindergarten teachers use it all the time). He can earn stars or stickers for good behavior, which in turn will lead up to a special reward -- e.g., special time with a parent. Similarly, taking away a privilege (such as a late bedtime) sends the message that he has to earn that privilege through "grown-up" behavior and that it should not be taken for granted.

A useful book to read is Sal Severe's How To Behave So That Your Children Will, Too. Good luck, and don't forget to enjoy the many good times with your son!

Anger Revisited

We have already discussed the source and pain of feeling angry at someone else. Now, we'll look at anger from the other, equally painful side: What do we do when someone is angry with us?

One common reaction is to attack the other person. For example, if an acquaintance tells me something critical, I might think, "How dare she say that about me?" Then I might withdraw in response, and we're at a stalemate.

Alternatively, if the other person -- let's say, one's spouse -- withdraws in anger, then I might be the one to start criticizing him in the hope of re-engaging and resuming our relationship. This might cause him to withdraw even further and, once again, we're at a stalemate.

The attack/withdraw "dance" can become a repetitive pattern that disrupts communication and maintains relationships in an unhealthy manner.

Anger causes distance; forgiveness brings closeness. Let's discuss ways of handling anger in our relationships.