Learning How to Talk

It's so interesting for me to read about the importance of professionals in the health field - both medical and psychological - learning how to be empathic with their patients (See my blog post, Physicians Learn How to Speak, 1/8/08). One would think that people enter this field because they are empathic to begin with!

Unfortunately, the training that one undertakes to become licensed can actually undermine one's ability to empathize and care about others.

Students in doctoral programs or medical school learn the techniques and the analytical tools; they amass information and learn how and when to apply it. But along the way, in order to graduate, they may need to be so focused and strong that their feelings get buried along the way.

Thank G-d, compassion is returning to the forefront of the health services field.

Indeed, research at Massachusetts General Hospital indicates that psychotherapy patients perceived their therapists as more empathic when the professional spoke less and listened more (Harvard Mental Health Letter, February 2008).

Why is this important? Because we all need to learn how to be empathic. After all, how many times have our children complained, "You're not listening to me!"?

No Known Cause for ADHD

I just read about research that confirms my observation (see 1/16/08 post) that there is too much unknown about the diagnosis of ADHD in the preschool years.

A new study is being conducted by the Norwegian Institute of Public Health to determine what causes ADHD. This study is the first of its kind. To date, there are no diagnostic criteria for ADHD in children under 6 years of age (www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/94517.php).

Hence, a diagnosis of ADHD in the early years is based on observation and guesswork. We need to be cautious about labeling a child before we explore all the factors involved.

Tearing

I just noticed, for the first time, that the noun "tear" has two meanings. The first (pronounced "ter") is the jagged cut that results from pulling something apart; the second (teer) is the fluid that runs from our eyes when we - especially women - become emotional.

I suffer both tears when I am separated from someone I love.

In good times we separate from our children as they move on in life. They enter preschool and we wave them onto the bus; they enter seminary, yeshiva or college and we wave them onto the plane. They move away or get married and we embrace a new son or daughter as we concurrently say good-bye to the previous relationship we had with our children.

In heartbreaking times we also separate from our loved ones as they move on; through death, G-d forbid, or divorce.

Each separation tears us away from what we had to what will be. We are compelled to move on, to enter a new stage in our development. Each loss, good or bad, brings growth and renewal.

I know how the tree feels as it watches its leaves, so beautifully colored and in their prime, fall to the ground. I, too, need time to restore my strength before I can create anew. Then spring arrives and I move on.

Welcome to the Masquerade

Have you ever married off a child? I have, thank G-d. But the affair (I don't mean that of the couple) was a huge masquerade party. The first concern, after the food, was "What will all the women in the family wear?"

We were careful not to let our anxiety about clothes, hair, makeup and shoes dim our pleasure at seeing these two young people make the ultimate commitment. But it was a close call.

Months before the wedding night we were canvassing the city and beyond for the right dress. The men had no problem; they bought a new suit - or just a tie - and were done. If it weren't so serious it would be downright funny!

Of course I found a gown. It was too long and needed to be fixed by a dressmaker. Done. But when the day of the wedding arrived, I stepped on the hem and an hour before the photographer arrived I was busy hitching up the bottom with safety pins (I didn't have thread on me).

Everyone ended up looking and feeling great. It was a night to remember. May we take off our masks now?

The Cure for Social Anxiety

When we stop judging women by their appearance we will go a long way towards alleviating their fear of appearing in social settings wearing the "wrong" thing.

I'm not just talking about women who are public figures such as Ms. Clinton or Madonna (I may be out of date there). I'm talking about teachers, librarians, lawyers, cooks or any woman who steps out of her house! Is her skirt the proper length according to the moralists; is it sufficiently up-to-date by the fashion-savvy; or should she be wearing something more casual/formal/scruffy/significant?

What if the fit is imperfect? Maybe it's too big/small/tight/loose/baggy/lean? It's beginning to sound like we're describing a piece of meat!

Our society is rampant with images of women who mean nothing to us other than what they are wearing/not wearing and what they look like.

It wouldn't be such a bad idea for the clothing industry to take a downturn. Maybe then we'll make do with last year's colors and styles.

In short, when we're content with how we look, we are able to focus on who we are.

The Problem with Expert Advice

Whenever I write about a subject someone invariably points out that it doesn't fit for her family. The same holds true for what's written in many books by experts about parenting and families.

The reason, I believe, is that you as the parent are the expert on your family. Sure, I may have some knowledge to share or insight to offer - mainly because I'm on the outside looking in - but you know the personalities of the people in your home. It is impossible for me to step into your shoes.

So be open to agree or disagree. I love to hear both. We share our stories and I learn from you as much as you learn from me.