Learning to be sad

"I was such a happy child," the young woman told me. "But then, around the age of 12 or so, I realized that no one took me seriously."

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"When I listened to my mother and her friends I heard them say 'oy' all the time and I found that when I did the same they looked at me as grown up."

"You mean you learned to complain?"

"Yes," she responded. "I learned how to be sad."

Young girls are carefree, confident and self-assured. They're quick to voice their opinions and to take risks. Around the age of 11-12 years, however, when they enter middle school, they often begin to lose this self-confidence. They may withdraw, participate less in class and experience social problems.

The girls begin to lose a sense of themselves.

Researchers have documented this loss of self-esteem and concomitant risk for developing psychological problems in girls. The journey into adolescence goes downhill, as girls begin to sacrifice their strengths for peer acceptance and adult approval.

In the worst-case scenario - which happens all too often - preadolescent and adolescent girls use harmful mechanisms to hide and ultimately deny their troubling thoughts and feelings. Some common ones are eating disorders, acting out behaviors and self-mutilation.

Our girls are suffering to please us.

Furthermore, even those girls who do not exhibit serious psychological problems may step back out of fear of the social repercussions of speaking their minds or acting on their wishes. By the time they reach adulthood, these young women may express their feelings through psychosomatic symptoms. They say they "don't feel well" or complain of inexplicable fatigue.

We are sacrificing our most capable children for the sake of our own standing in the community. Can we allow this to continue?

What can we do?

If problems already exist in the family, then it's important to act quickly and seek professional guidance.

If your daughter is still young, then you have the exquisite opportunity to cherish her and build her strengths as you see them and according to your values. Teach her how to think not what to think; how to ask questions not how to memorize the answers; and how to speak up in a timely and appropriate manner, not swallow bitter feelings that will eat her up inside.

Young saplings need to be staked and protected in order to grow straight. But we don't want to weaken their trunks or destroy their roots. Be careful how you handle them. We want them to bend in the wind, not break.

Wanted: Fathers

OK, Dads. Admit it. You have a short attention span, somewhere between "Hello, dear" and the end of the 15-second commercial break.

So how can we grab your attention? How can we get across to you that you're needed, wanted and time's a wasting?

From Day 1, children benefit from their fathers' participation in their care. Babies whose fathers play with them, talk to them, feed and soothe them have more advanced motor and problem-solving skills by the end of their first year.

By the time they've reached toddler-hood, children with involved fathers have more secure attachments and are friendlier and more outgoing.

There are notable benefits in particular to sons and daughters. Boys who receive paternal approval and love become more confident in their own masculinity and thus more secure men. They have more confidence and see themselves as winners. They'll be more inclined to take risks, having grown up with a core belief in themselves. (For more benefits, see my blog of 1/14/09 entitled "Why Sons Need Their Fathers.")

Girls, in contrast, experience fathers as a template for their future boyfriends and spouses. Is her father kind, supportive and encouraging? Then she'll look for the same qualities in her intimate partner. Is he cold, distant and aloof; or worse, condescending and abusive? We dread thinking that one's daughter would be attracted to this type of man. But it can and does happen.

So Dad. This is one job you cannot delegate. Your paternal responsibilities began in the delivery room. And, of everything that you give your child, the most important is Y-O-U; your time, your listening ear, your presence.

To achieve your parenting goals, Dad, you need to develop a plan with measurable outcomes and frequent monitoring. You'll need superior time management and organizational skills; i.e., everything a top notch corporation like your family desires and deserves.

This investment will yield high dividends, Dad. You will be a happier man, one who is physically healthier and leading a more fulfilling life.

What better definition of success is there?