Mothers & Daughters

"I don't understand my daughter. She's so different from me. But I'm afraid that if we don't get close now, she'll be at risk later of getting into trouble. How can I get close to her?"

"Aren't daughters usually closer to their mothers than fathers? Why don't I feel close to my mother? I'm more like my father in personality, but I'd like to feel understood by my mother."

Oh, the yearning that I hear in those questions! And they're not even members of the same family, so one can't say that it's unique to one particular family or problem situation.

Rather, these voices express the unheard pleas of so many parents and children in today's age.

Did you also notice that the mother's question is a mirror image of the daughter's question? Isn't it uncanny that they both feel the same way about the distance in their relationships?

So many families suffer from feelings of disconnection. It takes real courage for each person to reach out to the other. They are so afraid of being ignored or rejected.

But the alternative is worse. G-d forbid, the alienation that they feel now can be interpreted as "she doesn't care about me."

And that thought can result in years of pain before a person returns to its source and examines its consequences.

How well does your car run?

I've noticed that many couples differ in one essential aspect of their personalities; the way their motors run. Some people move quickly, speak quickly and act spontaneously. They may be more creative and independent. At the same time, their tempers may flare easily and inadvertently hurt their spouses' feelings.

In contrast, the other half of the pair may be more reflective, logical and slow-moving. That person may be more of a planner and worrier, and may have trouble shifting gears in the moment. Emotionally, this spouse may hold troublesome feelings in and deny or suppress them, until they emerge in a burst of anger and resentment.

Do you notice the pluses and minuses of each personality type? Isn't it amazing that these two people married in the first place?

I believe that they married because they felt incomplete and sought their missing parts. The more thoughtful person sought excitement and emotionality; the spontaneous one needed calm and reliability.

It's similar to driving a car: We need both the brakes and the gas pedal to move forward in a safe way towards our destination.

But even the best car needs attention and maintenance. We need to take time for periodic "tune-ups" of our marital relationships.