Want to Improve Your Health? Improve Your Marriage

Much has been written about the deleterious effects of stress on one's marriage.

When a spouse suffers from illness, the stress that follows can split the couple. For example, while it is questionable at what point former presidential candidate, John McCain, began dating his current wife - during or after his first wife's illness - he admitted, My marriage’s collapse was attributable to my own selfishness and immaturity.

We are appalled by the behavior of a spouse who not only doesn't support his ill partner but even betrays her.

Stresses from illness of a family member, including children, can destroy the marital bond.

Now we have evidence that the converse is also true: An unhappy marriage can affect a woman's health.

In a study of breast cancer patients over five years, women in distressed marriages had a much slower recovery. Their stress level remained high while that of women in good marriages declined over time.

Happily married women also took better care of themselves, maintaining adequate amounts of physical activity.

The author, Hae-Chung Yang of Ohio State University, concludes,

Clearly, marital distress is a risk factor for numerous poorer outcomes and it is never late to work to improve your marriage, not only for your emotional well-being but also for your health.*

Women have a lot to lose in an unhappy relationship.

*http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/132334.php

How to Support Unemployed Spouse

When my children were young, my husband was laid off from his job. I returned to work full-time while he stayed home with the baby.

It was a difficult time for both of us. Thank G-d, it lasted only a few months.

But those few months taught me some very important lessons, which I'll share with you now.

#1 = Listen empathically. Unemployment hits the male provider of the family hard. Although we have moved far from traditional gender roles in providing for the family, a man's self-esteem takes a deep dive when he loses his job. Even if his wife still has her job or if the family is managing economically to meet their needs, he will need extra TLC and support.

#2 = Maintain a positive outlook. Emphasize your spouse's skills and strengths. Express appreciation for his taking on additional responsibilities. Keep hope alive.

#3 = Attribute the crisis to external factors not internal, unchangeable ones; to circumstance, not individual weakness. Emphasize that his unemployment is temporary, not permanent.

#4 = Encourage your unemployed spouse to maintain a routine that includes self-care and leisure time. Don't give in to feelings of despair or depression. Help him reach out for support and keep up his social network, rather than withdraw into himself.

#5 = Remind your spouse that he is valued for who he is, not what he earns. Describe the other areas of his life which attest to his worth. List the people he knows, the family and friends who love and respect him.

#6 = Take time to replenish your own physical and psychological strength.

The skills we learn during difficult times can bring a couple closer together. These suggestions are the result of my experience with my spouse's unemployment. Please share yours.

Are you denying reality?

Some people refuse to acknowledge reality.

Some executives - like the chairman and ceo of Merril Lynch, John Thain - still want their million-dollar bonuses.

Some retailers are so concerned with their image that they refuse to reduce prices. Abercrombie & Fitch, for example, still charges the same $60 for a polo shirt that it did 18 months ago.

And some parents are so determined to protect their children from any unhappiness that they'll buy the latest toy on the market no matter what the cost.

It is worthwhile at this time to review a basic pyramid of health developed more than 60 years ago.

We are not talking about the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Food Pyramid.

Abraham Maslow was a psychologist who developed a hierarchy of needs in the form of a pyramid, based on his observations of healthy people. The lowest level is physiological, i.e., breathing, food, water, sleep, etc. We need to take care of our needs at this level before we can ascend to the next one, which is safety; the security of our physical selves, home, job and family.

It makes no sense to wear that expensive polo when (excuse my French) your pants are falling down.

So don't pretend to wear The Emperor's New Clothes. You have more to risk than your vanity.

Protecting Families from Recession

Are you feeling the pinch of today's economic downturn?

Do you feel anxious or on-edge? Afraid of losing your promotion, your health benefits, your job?

These are real-life worries, and thousands of men and women are struggling to keep their homes intact and their hope alive.

What is the impact of this recession on our children and what can we do about it?

A brief personal history may give perspective:

My parents owned and managed a retail toy store on 34th street in New York City, right where Madison Garden is today. These were the days before Toys-R-Us, Walmart and other mega-stores.

They worked days and nights. Like retailers today, they counted on the "busy season" to sustain them for the rest of the year. When we were old enough, my mother sometimes worked through the night, came home to wake us up for school and returned back to the store.

We never lacked anything physical. My mother cooked our meals and made sure that we were dressed and prepared for school. How did she do it? I don't know.

But I do know that the tension was palpable in the house during the busy season. My parents were tired, beyond our current definition of that term, and worried. I distinctly recall seeing my father bent over the bills, trying to figure out how to get money from Peter to pay Paul.

The results? Better than what you would expect. Because we saw our parents suffering, we had very different expectations of what they should be doing for us. We resented the hours that they spent away from us but later as adults appreciated their sacrifices.

On the other hand, I now have a keen sense of spending money and find it difficult to do so with pleasure. Oh, don't get me wrong, I enjoy shopping just like every other woman I know. But there's always the question in my mind, "Do I really need this?"

Sometimes I walk around, gazing at the knick-knacks and valuables in my home and am awed by their presence. I don't take any of them for granted.

So the lesson is twofold: Reality can be humbling, as we tighten our belts and make do with less. Children learn a real-life lesson that they could never learn in school. But be careful how you teach it. Be aware of your own emotional state. Take care of yourself and your loved ones. Protect everyone from the damage - physical, verbal or emotional - that could occur in these difficult times.