Are you glad when the teacher calls?

Act I, Scene 1

The teacher called and said, "Your child is acting up. He hits, he bites, he does not listen. There must be something wrong. You must investigate."

The teacher called and said, "Your child does not attend. She plays with things inside her desk, forgets her homework, and doesn't know the place. There must be something wrong. You must investigate."

The teacher called, now do I listen? I'll talk to him. I'll lecture her. I'll take away their computer time. We must do something because the teacher called.


Act I, Scene 2

The principal called, "You had better come in," she said. "We must discuss your son/your daughter. There's something wrong, it's been going on all year and we've tried everything. We need to talk about next year. It may be time to consider another place."

How can this be? Why didn't they let me know? My child's so perfect at home, well maybe not all the time, but it's not as bad as they say.

Act II Scene 1

I took my child for testing and tried to understand. Is this all my fault? Have I done something wrong or didn't do enough, and will be judged as a parent failed?

I'll have to find someone to trust, someone who understands. I'll try my best and will not rest until I have this problem in hand.

Act II Scene 2

Some years have passed and we've had good times and bad. My child is not perfect and neither are we. But we've learned a lot and when I look back, I can say that I'm glad the teacher called.

The Difficulty of Receiving

For many people, there is one thing harder than giving a gift and that is receiving it!

I have one relative who could not accept a gift without saying, "Oh, I really don't need that," and then ask me to return it. Well, isn't that the point of a gift anyway, to buy something the person does not need, but may enjoy?

This unnamed relative was not trying to hurt my feelings, which of course were very hurt. Rather, I believe that the person did not know how to receive, but only knew how to give.

What kinds of feelings would prevent one from feeling happy about receiving a gift?

The first one may be the feeling of indebtedness to the gift-giver (the Giver). I might think the following: Now that you have given me (the Receiver) a gift, I am in your debt and I owe you one, also. If not a gift, at the very least I have to be nice to you whether I want to or not! Or, if you ask me for a favor, I am now required to do it.

Of course the Giver does not mean to engender a feeling of indebtedness. But the Receiver now senses an imbalance in their relationship.

Furthermore, the Receiver may now experience tremendous guilt, as follows: It is so wonderful of you to give me a gift, and I didn't even think of giving you one! I should have thought of it. Maybe there are other people to whom I should be giving gifts; I had better sit down and start making a list of "shoulds."

Lastly, the Receiver may have an inherent low self-esteem. In this instance, the thinking becomes circular: Oh, I don't deserve this gift. I'm not such a good friend. I didn't give one. I must be really selfish. I can't accept this gift! I'll refuse it and show that I am totally selfless.

Oh, the morass into which we fall when we receive a gift! How can we avoid this trap?

To put it simply, say, "Thank you," feel loved and know that you deserve it.

Blaming Parents

My entry into the world of psychology coincided with my passage from adolescence to adulthood. It was the perfect time to learn all the theories about why my parents were to blame for my problems, whatever they were.

The mental health profession naturally tries to identify the causes of children's problems. Although we may admit that biology/genes have their say in what emerges from the womb, we generally cite "environment" as having great influence.

It's true. Life impacts on parents, who in turn impact on their children.

As a child of a Holocaust survivor, I can attest to my mother's abnormal losses and suffering. I do not blame her for mistakes in parenting. But I wish that she had had the luxury that we have now, of having people - such as the grandparents and siblings that she lost - from whom she could learn.

Remember that the overwhelming majority of parents do not purposefully cause their children to suffer. Rather, children's suffering is often the side-effect of either (1) parents' lack of training and modeling, or (2) parents' own suffering.

When we stop blaming parents, they will turn to us more readily for guidance and information.