Teaching a Teenager to Drive

Many parents shy away from teaching their teen to drive. My daughter took the Drivers' Education Course but then needed many hours of practice before being ready to take the driving test. Who would teach her?

Interestingly, my daughter asked me to drive with her. It was tricky; the mother/daughter relationship is a balancing act at all times and I try to make our trips comfortable and pleasant for both of us. How would teaching her to drive fit into that template?

I was really nervous the first couple of times. How I wished for that second brake that drivers' ed teachers use! "Watch out!" "Slow down." "You're into the other lane." These were the nervous exclamations in-between instructions about making turns and using the mirrors.

But we survived. Then I needed to learn to back off, grit my teeth and try to relax. I began to take along a drink (non-alcoholic) and to enjoy being my daughter's passenger. Above all, I had to refrain from repeating instructions; she hated that. After all, she's not a child!

My daughter's driving test is coming up soon. It's not the first time she's taking it; several of my children have taken it more than once. And I'm not as disappointed as they are when they fail. I want them to make mistakes before, not after, they get their license.

But there's no guarantee. All of us make mistakes and the less experienced moreso than the more experienced drivers. It's difficult to know what to allow them to do, where, when and with whom. The balancing act between supervision and overprotectiveness is never more important than when our children get behind the wheel.

Good luck to all parents of teen drivers!

Liability Concerns Leads to Retraction

I was so excited about my blog for Kids (see the entry, New Blog). But, after consulting with a lawyer, I realized that it would not be feasible. One cannot communicate with minors without legal risk. Understandably, I cannot assume that risk. So, parents, we will have to do our best to help the kids without hearing their voice on a blog.

Instead, I urge you to develop your listening skills so that your children will talk to you.

The Perfectionist Child

Question: My 6 yr old son is a perfectionist~ if he can't do something well, he gets very upset and wants to quit. He hates to try to ride his bike because he is afraid he will get hurt because he isn't good at it (he's only tried for a couple of weeks total with VERY long breaks in between). We try not to be too demanding, but I do stress to him the importance of trying. He is very mature "talking"~ people often describe him as a little 50 yr old man so often we expect more out of him. We are so frustrated~ he is now saying that he is stupid and dumb and we don't know how to counter this~ we have been extremely encouraging all of his life... can you tell a child he is great too much?

Answer: Your child doesn't sound like he has a "swelled head." Rather he is much too anxious for his age. Being a verbal, bright youngster he has set very high standards for himself and has probably internalized his parents' standards as well.

Your son is afraid to make mistakes, to be less than perfect, because then he might seem like a failure in his eyes. It is important to help him develop the coping skill of learning from - rather than dreading - a mistake.

First of all, examine how you handle your own mistakes. There is no substitute for being an effective role model. Secondly, ease up on all pressure to perform. He'll get back to riding his bike when he feels surer of himself. Thirdly, give him opportunities to perform non-achievement tasks (cooking with Mom is great) and praise him for it. Lastly, when he falls apart don't try to "rescue" him. Ignore his behavior, thereby allowing him to experience and cope with the anxiety and, when he calms down, praise him for getting control of himself. In this way, you're helping him develop emotional "muscle" rather than being his crutch.

An excellent book is Tamar Chansky's Freeing Your Child From Anxiety.

Ordinary Life

I received an email from my friend in Israel who, like everyone there, is experiencing the conundrum of whether to stay glued to the news or try to conduct her life as normal. Indeed, she found it "refreshing reading (my) email with the details and troubles of day to day life."

How does one conduct one's life activities when one is threatened with annihilation at any moment? How does one function when experiencing a threat to one's survival and the resultant, overwhelming anxiety?

We tune out much of the unknown in order to function. When the threat to our existence becomes evident, it takes superhuman effort to keep moving and not become paralyzed with fear.

At these moments we may realize that ordinary life is so full of hidden miracles that we don't realize what it takes to sustain our world. From the air-conditioning to the internet, we experience ease of existence. I remember growing up without either. In hot weather we slept outside on the fire-escape of our apartment building. And, if we wanted to shop, we had to visit the store in person. Now we can live comfortably without ever leaving our homes.

Technology aside, ordinary life means the miracle of health and interpersonal relationships. We have opportunities to work, take our children places and travel, all the while relying on G-d's presence to protect us.

When disaster strikes, man-made or "natural," we yearn for the commonplace once again.

May G-d bring a speedy end to this war.