Grandparenting

I always thought being a grandparent was about presents. I've learned that the essence of grandparenting is presence.

Sure, the kids love and hope to receive presents from us. So, one might think, we can give them toys, gifts or money and our relationship is secure.

Not so.

What both creates and cements a relationship is the interaction that takes place between two people. This goes for any relationship. Consider other family relationships - a husband who spends his days and nights at the office may try to compensate with flowers or jewelry; nice but it doesn't cut it. Gifts don't create intimacy. A father who doesn't see his children will soon find that when he asks them, "How's school?" they'll respond, "Fine," and walk away. Presents cannot substitute for presence.

So to be a grandparent I need to be present in my children and grandchildren's lives. And how to do so is an ongoing learning experience.

I'm learning what to say and when to say it
when to express my opinion and when to hold still
how to play and allow others to do the work,
just enjoy - let others be responsible!

It's a new stage in life
and, although my part is small,
I'm still part of the drama
waiting to be called
by little ones who know my name
help me learn my lines
and teach me their games
with love.

Sibling Rivalry 2. Jealousy

We can't eradicate the jealousy that stems from having siblings. It existed from the beginning of time and will continue to do so as long as there is more than one child in a family.

We can, however, try to minimize the rivalry among our children by:

• Setting rules about behavior, such as what I described in my previous blog.

• Giving incentives and consequences. One nice incentive is a "good deed" jar which gets filled each time a child manifests a positive social behavior to a sibling. When it's filled, everyone gets the prize. It's nice because it's collaborative and the children see concrete progress towards the goal.

• Structuring the situation - planning who does what when - until they're able to handle more freedom without fighting.

• Stopping a fight and, if the protagonists are sufficiently calm, modeling 1) verbal expression of emotions by saying, for example, "You seem bored" or "you're hungry, let's go eat;" and 2) problem-solving: "What's the problem here? You both seem to want... " Then brainstorm with them different ideas, even silly ones, to help them think more broadly. Verbalizing needs and wants is crucial to problem-solving and emotional maturity; ironically, sibling rivalry provides many teachable moments.

You can learn more about sibling rivalry at Siblings Are Forever: Strategies to Minimize Rivalry.

Sibling Rivalry 1. Fighting

We expect that all siblings fight, especially brothers. After all, "boys will be boys," we say. Sometimes the level of noise and chaos gets to the point that parents end up yelling at their kids to stop. The children do, for the moment, but then resume their "play" as soon as the parents' attention turns elsewhere.

Here are some thoughts about siblings fighting with each other, with the main focus on its physical expression:

1. Fighting ruins the atmosphere of peace in the house. Although it's natural for boys to be physical and we want them to give back what they get on the playground, they can learn to distinguish between the playground and home. It's like language, indeed it is a language, and we don't want street language in our homes.

2. Fighting/physical interaction can be a form of play, especially among younger children. As such, it's a mutual choice for the players. The question is whether, like other forms of play, it contains boundaries - time and place - of when and where it should occur.

3. Fighting is often a physical expression of frustration. As children get older, however, we want them to use words rather than fists to solve problems. A kick or a fist can be a swift and simple response to any difficulty. It doesn't contain the breadth or complexity of trying to figure out a solution that will result in a win-win situation for all.

4. Fighting can result in one or more children becoming targets or victims, by dint of age or size. The victim, in turn, often becomes aggressive to others less fortunate or to playmates outside the home. As the saying goes, "Children learn what they live."

5. Fighting among boys can have an ill effect on a girl. She becomes a victim but, at the same time, learns the same rules of the game. After all, her brothers are her playmates. A sister needs protection and safety, as well as learning the social rules of the female world.

In sum, it's time to declare a moratorium on physical aggression in our homes and establish a "hands off" rule: We, as parents, don't hit you and you don't hit each other. It may be too much to go "cold turkey" and you might try to experiment for a couple of days or a week at a time (with daily and weekly prizes as incentives).