Selective Memory: Do you recall the good or bad?

Many marriages flounder on the shoals of Selective Memory.

During periods of smooth sailing, we forget that there are sand bars beneath the surface that are exposed only when the ocean is at low tide. We think that we can sit back and allow the boat to cruise on its own.

So, too, we may neglect our marriages when we are busy with work and child-care. We say that we have "no time" for each other, expecting the Ship of Marriage to sail along its course without our input.

But as night follows day, so do the tides have their own rhythm.

The sand bar will be exposed. And if we don't want to run aground we need to develop the skills to steer clear of them or, if not possible, to learn how to back off and resume our journey.

Unfortunately, many times we get stuck and do not know how to get unstuck. We go round and round in the whirlpool of recrimination and blame, rather than stop and look for a way out.

At times like these, our Selective Memory could work against us. We may remember only the painful times, forgetting the days of clear sailing. We don't realize that competent seafarers experience pain as well as joy.

Successful couples remember the good times more than the bad. Follow their lead so that you can reach the end of your journey together, no matter what you encounter along the way.

Juggling!

Ever try to juggle balls in the air? I once tried to learn and was able to master juggling three balls, but floundered when I added a fourth.

That's what it's like being a married woman with children, whether one works in or out of the home. We become jugglers and sometimes we attempt to juggle too many balls and one or more comes tumbling down.

Think of all the juggling you do. Each person = one ball and you are the juggler for all those balls (you can count your husband as two, if you'd like). In addition, each task becomes a ball for the present moment, so that you may be juggling laundry, child supervision, diaper-changing and food on the stove at the same time. Don't forget to add in the balls that you are carrying around in your head, enough to give you a whopping headache.

Sometimes you may feel like the "Jane of all trades and the mistress of none (my version)."

Don't despair.

As long as you can still count the balls, you're ahead of the game. It means that you still have eyes in your head, a head on your shoulders and arms to pick up the dropped pieces.

Laugh. It's our best medicine.

Eating Issues with Young Children

Battles over eating can begin at a very young age.

I remember my mother becoming so frustrated with one of us that a plate of scrambled eggs ended up over her child's head! That child was obviously what we'd call a "terrible eater;" the bane of a mother's existence.

What greater pleasure is there than seeing one's child gobble up the food that you made? What yields greater frustration and anxiety than watching a child refuse your meal day after day? "How will my child grow?" you ask yourself. "How can I make that child eat?"

The answer is, we can't. We can't force food into our children, any more than we can force them to sleep or use the toilet if they don't wish.

Thus I truly believe that a child's eating is a problem for the parent, not the child. It becomes a child's problem when it interferes with the parent-child relationship or with the child's health.

Let me explain.

Children, like all living beings, are born with the need for food, initially in liquid form and then solids. It is their natural drive and they will pursue that drive unless we interfere with it.

We don't intentionally interfere with a child's eating behavior, but it may happen very subtly. We may confuse their need for sleep with their need for food, and so feed them when they're tired or fussy. Food may become the solution for all physiological wants and the child, as well as the parent, loses the ability to differentiate among them.

So step #1 is to accurately diagnose the problem: What does my child need? Am I feeding her just to keep her quiet or prevent a tantrum? Am I giving him a second supper because he's screaming that he's hungry and can't fall asleep?

Every action that we take reinforces the behavior that it follows. So if you feed a tired, screaming child you will reinforce the resistance to going to sleep on subsequent nights as well. If you enable a child to snack in-between meals, you reinforce snacking as opposed to meal-eating. Lastly, if you reinforce "finicky" eating, that child becomes a finicky eater.

One of the most difficult jobs a parent has is to say "no" in the face of a child screaming "Help!" But it's our job to say no when we are creating or abetting a harmful habit and yes to healthy habits.

It's all a matter of asserting yourself - no easy task - in order to be consistent with the values of your home.

Good luck!