The Seed becomes a Presidential Rose

As parents it is all too easy to lose sight of our goals. We invest so much of ourselves into our commitment to our children that we can easily become annoyed when they misbehave. Underneath our frustration, I believe, is the fear that our work is for nothing.

We need to "take the long view," as my husband tells me. The seeds that we plant today will not germinate tomorrow. It will take many tomorrows until we have the opportunity, with G-d’s help, to reap the harvest.

Today, Inauguration Day 2009, we bear witness to the fruit of one family's labor.

This poem, written by a child, is dedicated to Barack Obama's mother and grandmother, who were instrumental in setting the stage for his appearance as the first black U.S.president.

Do you remember, Mommy
When I was little;
I wanted to grow a garden full of roses.
You told me to start with one flower.
So I gathered
The pot
The soil
The seed.
I carefully placed the seed in the pot
And proudly put the pot on the windowsill.
But the seed won't grow,
I came to you crying.
You told me to water it and place it in the sun.
Do you remember, Mommy
How excited I was
When the first shoots came up?
But I wondered, where was the flower
And I came to you crying once more.
You told me to have patience.
So I watered it and waited.
I waited some more.
Then one day I saw a tiny white bud
Peeping out from behind a leaf.
Fascinated, I watched it blossom
The petals unfold.
And there, in all its glory, was my long awaited rose.

A Small Gesture

As I approached the repair shop I saw the owner standing in the doorway looking out ("at the snow?" I wondered). When I gestured that his place was my destination he immediately welcomed me inside. I picked up my repair, we had a small chat and I left.

As I was driving away I noticed that the owner was walking outside without a jacket - to me, a sign of a person in a rush, possibly thinking of someone else and not himself - up the driveway that led out of the shopping center. I followed him in my car and saw him go up to a child who was waiting there.

The shop owner put his arm around his son's shoulder and they both proceeded to look for, I assumed, the school bus.

What impressed me the most was the father's arm on his child's shoulder. It was a small gesture, of course, but how many times are we too worried or engrossed in our own thoughts to reach out and touch our children?

I believe that we are a touch-deprived society. In this era of abuse, where touch has become all-too-often invasive and hurtful, we have forgotten about the importance of the loving gesture that connects all people.

In a famous series of experiments by Harry Harlow in the 1950's & 60's, baby rhesus monkeys chose cloth "monkeys" over wire ones, even though the latter provided them with milk (See Wikipedia for a full description of Harlow and his experiments). These experiments demonstrated that children, like their animal counterparts, will sacrifice everything - parental approval, food and health - to gain a parent's love.

Try to touch each of your children today, even the teen. You will find that a small gesture yields huge dividends.

Turning Points

Do you remember your relationship with your husband before the two of you married? Do you recall the excitement and the desire to please?

What happened to those feelings?

As two people build a family, the energy that was originally directed to each other gets redirected to their children, their work, their home. The tremendous responsibilities that they share can result in their leading parallel lives, as if they were business partners rather than two people who love and want to spend their time together. This process takes place over years not days, and is so gradual that the couple is unaware of the disintegration of their relationship until it is too late.

It doesn't have to be that way.

When you are ready, take the following steps:

#1: Notice if you feel distant from your spouse. Do you enjoy the time you have together? Do you share your thoughts and feelings with each other?

#2: Observe your spouse's behavior. Does he or she seek you out? Does your spouse look happy and, if not, are you there to listen to the problems?

#3: Are you feeling happy? If not, what is missing from your life?

IMPORTANT: It is all too easy to blame one's spouse for one's own unhappiness. When you stop depending on other people or circumstances for your happiness, you have reached a turning point in your life. You can decide, consciously and with all the strength that you can muster, to take charge of your own happiness. This means looking inward, rather than outward, for the impediment to your feeling happy. Only then can you develop an action plan to climb out of the hole into which you've fallen.

#4: Seek out friends who have the same culture, language and innate ability to understand your feelings. They will not replace a spouse; rather they will enhance your marital relationship by providing a listening ear to much of the unessential baggage that we load unto our spouses. Similarly, friends are good company for mundane errands that take up a good portion of our days.

#5: Once you have attained a greater sense of contentment, you are now ready to reignite your relationship. Pour in the fuel of excitement and hopefulness that was there is the beginning. Focus on how you can light the fire of love once again.

Final Step: Remember that even the best lit fire dies out unless you watch and maintain it. A good fire is tame yet beautiful to behold. It warms the body and soul during the cold winter days.