Fear of death in a 4-year-old

Question: My son is a bright child, and we have greatly enjoyed his desire to learn about everything. After viewing a Magic School Bus episode about dinosaurs that addressed extinction, he asked a lot of questions and now he is experiencing true existential dread. He has broken down in tears a number of times, telling me that he doesn't want to die and he doesn't want me or his father to die. He understands that people live a long time, but tells me it is hard for him to be happy knowing he's going to die. I am having difficulty comforting him. It seems as if his awareness has overtaken his emotional maturity. Any thoughts on what I might do to help him?

Answer: Your son is obviously a bright, imaginative child. He is now at an age when fears (of the dark, of strangers, etc.) are very common. Fear of death is the most potent one and usually arises because of the death of someone the child knows. In this instance, your son identified with the dinosaurs.

Books on grief that are geared towards the young child are very helpful in describing death as part of life.

In addition, think about any other pressures that your child might be experiencing at this time. Help him feel good about himself by means of much positive feedback, rewards, and even smiley or star charts. Build up his self-esteem as much as you can so that he feels competent enough to handle any "monster."

Anger

"I'm furious! I'm so mad that this happened to my child."

Too many parents have had to struggle with the shock of bad news concerning one (or, G-d forbid, more than one) of their children. The worst news, of course, is medical (either physical or mental) illness. But there are many other times when we want to protect our children from hurt and pain but are unable to.

When that happens, our adrenaline rises and we may explode with anger because of the tremendous pain that we ourselves feel.

Yes, that anger is the outpouring of emotion and the need to do something - anything - to stop the threat to our child's happiness and/or health.

Aye, but it won't work. Anger covers up pain and does not alleviate it. Indeed it perpetuates the pain by continuing to place the target in front of us. In order to move on, we must come to terms with the loss of our dream, and then develop an alternative dream that incorporates our new reality.

It takes strength.