Fear of the Future

Sometimes we become ineffective because we fear the consequences of our ineffectiveness. Sound confusing? Well, let's say your child comes home from school complaining, starts picking on his brother, and is generally a grouch the whole evening. You call the teacher to inquire about school; you repeatedly stop the fighting; and you try to ignore the grouchiness. It doesn't seem to help. You end up feeling frustrated, angry and then feel guilty for being angry.

You don't know what to do. You start to think that your child will end up as one the at-risk teens we hear about. Maybe he'll run away from home.

Now you really feel like a failure as a parent.

You child's behavior is the challenge and you are capable of handling it. But if you start to load yourself up with fear of the future, you could end up hating your child as well as yourself.

The child in front of you has been with you since birth. He needs your love now as much as then. Reconnect to the child that you have, not the one that you wish you'd had.

Start a behavior chart or - if he's too old for one - negotiate a contract between you detailing desirable behaviors and rewards for performing them. Include separate arrangements for negative behaviors, but be careful to minimize the penalties. Your son is already used to hearing the negative.

Finally, no matter what happens during the day, sit down with your child at the end of the day and relax a few minutes together. Affirm your love. You'll find that you can turn the situation around, even if you need professional help to do so.