Mindful Living

I was speaking on my cell phone today as I left the car and walked towards a store to pick up some clothes. When I wanted to pay for my purchase I realized that I had forgotten my pocketbook in the car! Forgetting is something that happens often to me; forgetting my pocketbook is not.

I was not walking mindfully.

Walking, like driving, is an action that we often do automatically without thinking. We assume that speaking on a cell phone, with a handset while driving, is not a distraction. This assumption can be dangerous.

A recent article in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: Applied found that "when drivers talk on a cell phone, they drift out of their lanes and missed exits more frequently than drivers conversing with a passenger."*

Furthermore, young adults are just as distracted by cell phones as those adults like me who often have senior moments. Indeed, "when young adults talk on cell phones while driving, their reaction times become as slow as reaction times for senior citizens, and that drivers talking on cell phones are as impaired as drivers with the 0.08 percent blood alcohol level that defines drunken driving in most states."

My forgetfulness was a slight annoyance this time. Had I been walking in the street instead of a parking lot or driving instead of walking, my impaired awareness of my surroundings could have been much more devastating.

This lack of what's called Mindful Living has been exacerbated by the intrusion of technology into all areas of life. Uncontrolled technological advances have created a distance between what we think we are doing and what we are indeed doing.

For example, if my spouse asks me a question while I sit in front of the monitor and type at the keyboard and I respond without turning around, I may think that I have communicated with him. In truth, I have not. I have missed the majority of communication that takes place non-verbally and instead have given the message that I am busy and he or his question is less important than what I am focused on.

I have also found that my telephone conversations are different when I'm typing - or even (dare I admit?) reading - while listening to the caller. I miss the many nuances that I hear when I'm paying attention completely.

We were not built to live automatically, and we cannot "refresh" the moments that are lost when we multi-task.

So pay attention. You may be missing your life.

*http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/131270.php

Using Guilt Productively

Guilt has gotten a bad rap.

It seems like the whole therapy industry has been built on the premise that we need to eradicate guilt.

Guilt interferes with happiness, we're told. Feelings of guilt stem from anger and lead to depression, states the theory. Guilt is the boogie-man waiting in the wings.

Mothers, especially Jewish ones, are accused of inducing destructive guilt in their children.

Adult children in turn spend years in therapy, accusing parents of manifold offenses that exacerbate already painful parental guilt over past mistakes (that send the children to therapy in the first place!)

Caregivers, therapists, teachers, physicians and anyone who cares also feel guilty for not doing enough, not being there, not preventing what they could not foresee.

Guilt, my friends, is a two-faced Janus. Facing backward, we see what could have been. It is a dark picture, filled with pain and regret, grief and longing.

Turning around and facing forward, we look at what has been missing. We no longer run away from the pain of guilt but use it as a rod that guides us toward the fulfillment of an unspoken need.

Which way do you face?

Married Children

Adult children do not like advice from their parents. (So what else is new?)

This means that - should you see something that concerns you - the question arises as to whether you should or should not say something. If you choose to speak then expect some fallout, no matter how tactful your tone and words.

The situation becomes even stickier when your children are married. Here you have much more to lose, for - since your children's first allegiance is to their spouses - you risk losing more than one relationship, possibly even with the grandchildren.

Married children are more sensitive to your remarks than before marriage because now they are setting up their own homes. They want to equal if not outdo their parents' homes. They want your approval.

Give it.

Not once, not twice, but over and over again.

And when you see something you don't like, talk it over with someone other than your children. (That doesn't mean to talk it over with everyone!)

They do the same when they're upset with you.

Enjoying the Elderly

My mother and I were sitting at the table peeling potatoes together. I began reminiscing about the delicious potato latkes (pancakes) that she used to make, how wonderful they smelled and how we used to grab them off the plate as soon as she lay them down.

It was a lovely moment and my mother smiled in remembrance and happiness.

My mother has Alzheimer's.

She easily forgets day to day events and no longer initiates conversations. But her eyes light up when I talk about the past.

A recent study confirms my experience. Researchers found that "for lonely people, drawing on nostalgic memories of happier times could provide a coping mechanism for their feelings, magnifying perceptions of social support and restoring an individual's feelings of social connectedness."* These results held for children, college students and factory workers.

Nostalgia also helps people who are isolated from their loved ones because of dementia or Alzheimer's.

It's another tool to connect with those we love.

*http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/131239.php